WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[jab]

LOL, I know.

W called me at work & asked if she brought food if I wanted to have dinner with her. W felt bad about this morning. I was going to do some things but said 'sure'.

W was in an ok mood (not great), not very cheery but not angry. She brought photo frame and I showed her what I did & how 2 use it. Played on PS3 with W & kids for awhile while cooking dinner (Almost felt like 'family time'). I tried to act ASIF the best I could.

A few items in conversation disappointed me a little but I tried to keep my mouth shut & let go.

W's friend (mutual friend/couple) has an annual trip they go on & W was invited (in past, whole family was invited on these trips). I didn't really have an issue with it. W told me the date & it was the exact date that I get off of IHD. I was a little upset because I was hoping by that time things would be better between us. I don't know how it came up but W said something about her not feeling comfortable going with me, she planned on going by herself and not to take it too hard. It just bothered me that she doesn't feel 'comfortable enough', especially how she's been acting. IMHO, W has no idea what she wants right now. I know I messsed some things up in our R/M over the past 5-6 years, but based on things I have been finding out over past 5-6 months, W has done/is doing things to make it alot worse and alot harder to reconcile.

W also told me that same friend decided 2 be W's 'designated driver' for Thurs & W can leave car & stay afterwards at friend's house until next AM. Guess W isn't coming here. W later asked me if I had a problem with her going out 'bar-hopping' that night. I said no, but I probably showed different & I think W picked up on it. I told W I want her to be able to have a good time, it was myself that I had the problem with. I went on a little about how I was disappointed with myself and all the 'self-inflicted punishment' I have caused/had to deal with. I just said that I wanted this year's holidays to be different, not like this. I said I was upset because of the situation I put her in and all the damage it caused (her co-workers, her feelings for me, etc..) Earlier this year, I was looking forward to this year's holidays & having fun with her/family.

It was a brief conversation but I know I shouldn't have said anything at all about how I felt (I think I could've screwed it up alot worse if I let my emotions take over). I was only trying to deter her from thinking that I was upset that she was going out 'bar-hopping' without me.

Her physical contact was pretty much nonexistent tonight, she did smile and laugh a few times but it was limited. I tried to show her as much fun as I could but her mood made it hard. Honestly, I'm a little perplexed as to why she even came over tonight. I think I know why (W is lonely/misses me) but I really don't know if it's that or that she pitys/feels bad for me or all of the above. W did reach for a hug/kiss goodbye when she was leaving but made sure it wasn't on the lips or too intimate. I didn't push or pressure anything.

So the positives that I see:
1) W called me, W came over here...again.
2) W apologized for this morning, she cared enought about how I felt.
3) W feeling comfortable enough to spend time with me (it wasn't for the kids because I've had them for past 4 nights)
4) W not rejecting ALL intimacy.
5) W is worried how I feel about her going out 'bar-hopping', going on vacation without me, etc.

The negatives I see:
1) I opened my big mouth too much
2) W going out on THUR, not coming here, prob going to drink alot, staying with a friend that I don't trust (as far as I know).
3) Intimacy backslide since last week. She was more intimate earlier last week, not sure if it's because of S, because W was just in bad mood, or because W is confused about what she wants.
4) I had no chance of any 'alone time' this week to GAL.


Things I need to do:
1) Try to 'study' for Thursday's 'test'. I hope I get an A, but it's going to be a tough one
2) Stop opening my big mouth.
3) Start GAL. I knew this was going to be hard at first because of IHD.
4) Let go & be more patient.

Still praying, this is NOT easy at all! Trying to let go & 'go with it', trying not to be scared of the future. This sucks!