Adventures of Supermom...JennyF's 2nd thread

[JennyF]

SO2,

How do you handle your H coming to visit your kids? I mean do you have some sort of schedule or does he just come and go when it pleases him?

I worked this out before the baby came with the intention that it would just be the case for the first couple weeks as I recovered from the C-section. But it's kind of just maintained itself as the status quo.
H comes to the house around 7-7:30 each morning to get D out of bed. He gets her ready and fed and then takes her to preschool. He usually does this every morning but the odd morning I do it...which is tough with the baby. But I'm getting used to it.

About 3 days a week he will also pick her up from preschool (sometimes more). He then brings her home. She and I eat dinner together, at first I offered the meal to him but when he never accepted I stopped asking. He holds the baby while we eat. He usually gives D a bath (sometimes I do). Up until about a week ago he was staying to put to D to bed and hang out with S. But the past few nights he has left as soon as she is done her bath.

I have pretty much let him call the shots on when he does this. I am clear that I don't NEED him to do this...it's up to him when he wants to. I've allowed him this for a few reasons:
- so D gets time with him. I feel bad for her that she's lost so much of her Dad as they are close.
- I am nursing 100% of the time and it is the only way H can spend time with S.
- I know one day (sooner than I would like) I'm going to have to let H take S on his own. I want S to know him and not feel he is a stranger.
- it does help me out that I don't have to pack up the baby every morning to get D to preschool.
- I don't want to give him ANY ammunition to say that I am keeping the kids from him.

How do you handle your situation emotionally with visitation?

This is the hard part. For the first 6 weeks or so H was being a REALLY angry person. This was hard, but it made it a bit easier to detach. He's gotten nicer in the last 2 weeks (because he was called on his behaviour) and it has made it harder. Sometimes it feels so normal to have him here in this setting and it makes a little harder to accept reality. However the more time I spend with him, the more I know the guy I married is gone (or buried really deep). It would make it a lot easeier to detach if I didn't have to see him as often. But it is a sacrifice I make for my children.
H has always been a really good father (except for the part where he cheated on the mother of his kids and left her at 8 months pregnant!) I don't have any issues with drinking or bad behaviour to worry about though...if I did, I can't say I'd have been as generous.

I know that soon I am going to have to put more restrictions on the time because it can't stay this way forever. I don't want it to...he doesn't deserve this much time with them after the choices he's made. But I also that is when I will have to allow my S to go with him for overnight visits and I'm not ready for that. In fact it saddens me a great deal. With my D it's different because she was born into a healthy loving realationship where we both had a ton of involvment.

But H treated me horribly thru my whole pregnancy and then dropped the bomb at 33 weeks. As far as I'm concerned he put both mine and S's health in jeopardy. And now I'm supposed to hand him over to Daddy?? I just don't feel like he is H's...I mean, I know he's his...but he doesn't deserve him. I feel so protective and posessive of him. Must be the maternal instinct kicking in.

For now the breastfeeding is on my side...I have that as an excuse. He pressured me to pump for the first few weeks, but he's eased off on that since I told him it was unrealistic this soon to just add feeds for the sake of pumping.

Hope that answers your questions!
J~