Funny you mention the time Brit. I can also account for 95% of H's time. I think they spend most of their time on e-mail and the phone. He talks they are actively looking to move in together soon though. How serious can it be when it started based on lies and they barely see eachother. Can he really be as in love as he thinks he is??
They say usually the OW in these sitch's is needy. But I think my H is the needy one here. She is 10 yrs older than him...maybe she is in MLC looking for the needy one.
I feel the same way, Jenny. My H knew the OW 3 weeks, left me at 6 weeks pregnant and moved in with her the day he left. She pays the rent and even paid his school tuition. She has 2 young children and an ex-boyfriend that would not marry her. They barely see each other, also. They text message, not speak on the phone, text message, mind you. We are still under the same cell phone account and the bill from the last billing cycle had 4500 text messages. Talk about needy? It almost seems crazy, no wait... it is crazy. He hurt his family, my family, me, our unborn child. He hurt a lot of people and really has not much contact with anyone from his old life. He doesn't talk to any of our friends, he doesn't talk to his brother or his parents anymore. He's off having fun going to Knott's Berry Farm, Disneyland, Babyshowers, hanging out with her friends, going out of town with OW and her friends. It is like he completely tossed his old life aside for this new fake life. I go crazy trying to figure out why. But, I think I know partially why. He does not want to grow up and have grown up responsibilities. Every time it gets close to him having to be an adult, he runs. Now we're having a baby and he bailed 2 weeks after finding out. So, I try to be patient and wait for the dust (from them kicking up their heels) to settle. What's he going to do when she starts making demands on him, especially for money? What about her kids (she doesn't even have them most of the time. I doon't even think they live with her. He never talks about them, ever. When he told me that she doesn't make him pay rent, I had to laugh. I though "what a sucker". So, in my mind she's pretty damn desperate to persue a married man who has a pregnant wife, move him in after 3 weeks, pay his rent and tuition. I know he has no money right now and won't for another week. He hasn't asked me for any and his parent told him no way. So, wonder who is footing the bill? I would feel sorry for her, but I don't.
Hang in there Jenny. You are an inspiration. I am following your thread because I am dying to see the post where he begs you for forgiveness.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
H was over today to shovel. He had to do it in two shifts because there is so much.
I bought D (almost 3 yrs old) a shovel and she went out to help Daddy. It was hard watching them out the window. Sometimes it just seems so normal when he is here. They were having a good time. H stayed and had lunch and then lounged on the couch for a couple hours with S before going out to shovel again. Then he left around 3 saying for me not to shovel. He'll be back in the morning to take D to school and he'll do it again then.
He thinks he being all superdad nice guy by doing this stuff. Like it makes up for what he is doing....sorry, as he would correct me...what he has DONE.
It is so hard to have him here so often and really believe that it is over. I think I liked it better when he as acting like an A$$ because then it was easier to believe that he is in some kind of crisis. Although...give it a couple days and he'll do something A$$-like I'm sure!
I'm feeling quite overwhelmed by all of the legal stuff that we're going to have to deal with in January. H thinks we should do this without lawyers to save the $$. He keeps saying that we are mature enough to work it out without having to resort to the back and forth. I think we can do it amicable...but I am not willing to do it without lawyers. I don't feel confident enough in my own knowledge to do this and feel like am properly protected. Of course he has the divorce-pro in his court! (OW is twice divorced).
I just had a quick question for you. How do you handle your H coming to visit your kids? I mean do you have some sort of schedule or does he just come and go when it pleases him? The reason I ask is I am trying to figure this out. I don't want to keep him from our daughter, but honestly I don't want my house being a revolving door for when H feels like being a dad. I just feel like I will never be able to move on and have a life of my own. A friend of mine is dealing with the same issue...her husband left her at 5 months pregnant, she had the child now and he just drops over when convenient and then leaves and is carousing around with all kinds of women.
How do you handle your situation emotionally with visitation?
Me: 46 FWS: 36 Married and Divorced 4/07, Pregnant 7/07,False R 7/07 Baby Girl born 3/08 Kicked him out because OW: 7/08 5/10 He realized what he had and lost. Moved home! REMARRIED 3/14/11!!
Funny you mention the time Brit. I can also account for 95% of H's time. I think they spend most of their time on e-mail and the phone. He talks they are actively looking to move in together soon though. How serious can it be when it started based on lies and they barely see eachother. Can he really be as in love as he thinks he is??
There isn't much difference between the early stages of love and infatuation... Their relationship is based on a fantasy of how they think things can be, and what they other person can offer. I'm sure to him it is as real as any other emotion.
If they want to move in together, that'll be when it all falls apart. It's difficult enough living with someone at the best of times, much less believing that each other are the answers to our own problems.
I love that last paragraph. It validates how I am feeling. My H moved out of our home and right into OW home without knowing her very long (he says 3 weeks).
And, Jenny the OW has 2 divorces under her belt. How apealling is that? Don't worry about the legal junk that you'll have to deal with in January. Have a great Holiday. Focus on that and deal with it afterwards.
M 5yrs 1st baby-girl born 6/18/08 Bomb: 10/13/07 OW - I was 6wks Prego H Moved in w/OW: 11/2/07 D Final 07/10 OW had his baby 3/17/09-so her Me, now - happier than I ever was with him
How do you handle your H coming to visit your kids? I mean do you have some sort of schedule or does he just come and go when it pleases him?
I worked this out before the baby came with the intention that it would just be the case for the first couple weeks as I recovered from the C-section. But it's kind of just maintained itself as the status quo. H comes to the house around 7-7:30 each morning to get D out of bed. He gets her ready and fed and then takes her to preschool. He usually does this every morning but the odd morning I do it...which is tough with the baby. But I'm getting used to it.
About 3 days a week he will also pick her up from preschool (sometimes more). He then brings her home. She and I eat dinner together, at first I offered the meal to him but when he never accepted I stopped asking. He holds the baby while we eat. He usually gives D a bath (sometimes I do). Up until about a week ago he was staying to put to D to bed and hang out with S. But the past few nights he has left as soon as she is done her bath.
I have pretty much let him call the shots on when he does this. I am clear that I don't NEED him to do this...it's up to him when he wants to. I've allowed him this for a few reasons: - so D gets time with him. I feel bad for her that she's lost so much of her Dad as they are close. - I am nursing 100% of the time and it is the only way H can spend time with S. - I know one day (sooner than I would like) I'm going to have to let H take S on his own. I want S to know him and not feel he is a stranger. - it does help me out that I don't have to pack up the baby every morning to get D to preschool. - I don't want to give him ANY ammunition to say that I am keeping the kids from him.
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How do you handle your situation emotionally with visitation?
This is the hard part. For the first 6 weeks or so H was being a REALLY angry person. This was hard, but it made it a bit easier to detach. He's gotten nicer in the last 2 weeks (because he was called on his behaviour) and it has made it harder. Sometimes it feels so normal to have him here in this setting and it makes a little harder to accept reality. However the more time I spend with him, the more I know the guy I married is gone (or buried really deep). It would make it a lot easeier to detach if I didn't have to see him as often. But it is a sacrifice I make for my children. H has always been a really good father (except for the part where he cheated on the mother of his kids and left her at 8 months pregnant!) I don't have any issues with drinking or bad behaviour to worry about though...if I did, I can't say I'd have been as generous.
I know that soon I am going to have to put more restrictions on the time because it can't stay this way forever. I don't want it to...he doesn't deserve this much time with them after the choices he's made. But I also that is when I will have to allow my S to go with him for overnight visits and I'm not ready for that. In fact it saddens me a great deal. With my D it's different because she was born into a healthy loving realationship where we both had a ton of involvment.
But H treated me horribly thru my whole pregnancy and then dropped the bomb at 33 weeks. As far as I'm concerned he put both mine and S's health in jeopardy. And now I'm supposed to hand him over to Daddy?? I just don't feel like he is H's...I mean, I know he's his...but he doesn't deserve him. I feel so protective and posessive of him. Must be the maternal instinct kicking in.
For now the breastfeeding is on my side...I have that as an excuse. He pressured me to pump for the first few weeks, but he's eased off on that since I told him it was unrealistic this soon to just add feeds for the sake of pumping.
Hope that answers your questions! J~
M 35 H 29 M 4 yrs T 9 yrs D 3 S born 10/19/07 Bomb 09/10/07 Separated next day OW - broke up and H moved out 09/07/08 Status - still figuring this out
There isn't much difference between the early stages of love and infatuation... Their relationship is based on a fantasy of how they think things can be, and what they other person can offer. I'm sure to him it is as real as any other emotion.
If they want to move in together, that'll be when it all falls apart. It's difficult enough living with someone at the best of times, much less believing that each other are the answers to our own problems.
