A personal journey through Karen's eyes

[Dom R]

I disagree with you to the extent that what I was trying to convey is that I believe most people have the same basic needs/wants in a relationship.

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So REALLY what I was saying was that if I want a well-balanced, well-integrated, high-functioning relationship than I need to be a well-balanced, well-integrated, high-functioning person to begin with.]

Interesting theory... i think that can work well for some relationships.. but neither point that you state, is neccessarily a requirement for a good relationship.

I think that the marriagebuilders "emotional needs" concepts, are more widely applicable for this sort of comparison. (not perfect, but better, at any rate )

That is to say, two people may HAPPEN to have the exact same basic wants/needs, and get along great... but other people may have completely DIFFERENT primary basic needs, and also get along great.
EG: the classic stereotypical,
"Guy wants sex 4 times a week, and someone who can cook well. Gal wants financial stability, and protection".

The guy may care nothing personally about stability, but chooses to stick in a stable job, for the woman. (and decides to stay in the relationship, not neccessariliy because of a desire for stability and commitment, but because the woman keeps giving him "what he wants")
In contrast, the woman may care nothing for "pretty boys", or be particularly HD sexually... but is happy to give the man what he wants in that area, because he gives her what SHE is looking for.

So, even though they do NOT have "the same basic wants and needs", that can be a highly satisfying relationship for both of them. And neither of them have to be particularly "well integrated or high-functioning" to stay satisfied. What they need to do to keep the other person happy, is fairly straightforward and uncomplicated.


I'm not saying "the traditional roles are what work best". I was just giving an example of what is known to work in some cases.

The man may not be looking for sex... he may be looking for personal validation and admiration instead. The woman may not be looking for financial protection.. she may be looking for caring companionship. or.... etc.

It doesnt really matter particularly what it is... Each person doesnt really even have to understand that is what makes them happy about being with the other person. What matters, is that the other person keep doing whatever it is, that makes their spouse happy.

The guy could be completely clueless, that the reason he is so happy with his wife, is 'cause she does the horizontal mambo with him 4 times a week. Ok, he probably would have an idea... but my point is that even if he somehow doesnt realize it... he's still gonna be happy about it.


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change of gears...
On top of that "basic needs" stuff.. or perhaps underneath/lower than that, there's also the kind of middle ground of, "ok, i choose to do extra stuff for my spouse, because i care about them/they make me happy".


To bring it to your comparison of "vacuuming vs head"
Seems like you are interested in a relationship, where BOTH people want to keep a clean house, and BOTH people are specifically interested in sex.
Well, sure, that would make life a lot easier But at some point, you are going to have to deal with the fact that the other person does not share ALL your values, on EVERYTHING. If it isnt about cleanliness, or sex... it's gonna be something else.

So at some point, it's gonna still come down to issues of,
"I really dont think [this area] is important to me At All. But I'm going to make an effort in this area, because it's important to my spouse, and I want to keep them happy".

Not necessarily a direct, "Will vacuum for head"... but still a "will do X for you, because you make me happy" type of situation.