I took me a while to read through your sitch and cogitate. I find it hard to believe that your W is a C given how she acts. I feel sorry for those whom she counsels!
As you pointed out, we are both in similar circumstances. Luckily, I do not have the overhead of an PA. However, if you rememer over the summer, my W was doing a great deal of innapropriate behavior over the Internet. Now, she is off the Internet (I also disconnected it) but she is doing the bar-fly thing now. We are going to C so I think that helps. She is keeping her agreements to me and I to her. I am positive for us.
Now my observations for your sitch (my two cents, FWIW): 1) Get the D, my friend, as fast as you can. You need a safe/sane R, not something that makes you nuts. I like the bulldozer analogy. If that safe/sane R is with her, then great, if not, then with someone else. In either case, your partner should treat you well, not like a doormat.
I know the arguments are "she can reopen the case", "we could still reconcil", "I love her", etc. All true. Still needs to be done. Cut the rope before she drags you down further.
2) Be good to yourself. All of these months of dealing with things can take its toll. I sense a great deal of stress and frustration. I bet getting away from your W will help alleviate some (if not all) of this.
3) I am courious as to how your son is coping? Did you and W have "the talk" with him separatley or together? He doing ok with school, other kids, etc.? How is his behavior in general? It appears to me that your WAW pretty much kicked him to the curb. My heart goes out to him and to you.
Best, --Chris
Me: 40 She: 31 S: 5 D: 3 Married: 8 years (05 DEC 99) Blow-up: 02 JUN 07 Piecing (More like Ostriching): 22 FEB 08
I find it hard to believe that your W is a C given how she acts. I feel sorry for those whom she counsels!
She is actually pretty good, but I think all the C'ing she has done is part of what has worn her down. You'll love this, she is now starting to do marriage counseling. OMG! Poor souls.
Originally Posted By: PhD_ChrisD
As you pointed out, we are both in similar circumstances. Luckily, I do not have the overhead of an PA. However, if you rememer over the summer, my W was doing a great deal of innapropriate behavior over the Internet. Now, she is off the Internet (I also disconnected it) but she is doing the bar-fly thing now. We are going to C so I think that helps. She is keeping her agreements to me and I to her. I am positive for us.
Ya, I noticed the positives that have come about in your home. I hope your W keeps moving in that direction.
Originally Posted By: PhD_ChrisD
1) Get the D, my friend, as fast as you can. You need a safe/sane R, not something that makes you nuts. I like the bulldozer analogy. If that safe/sane R is with her, then great, if not, then with someone else. In either case, your partner should treat you well, not like a doormat.
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I think if I stayed with W our life would always have some emotional issues. I think she is so damaged from her childhood, that it is virtually unrepairable. I think she could learn to cope with the effects, but never solve the whole issue.
I also have thought about what I have to offer someone, and what I deserve. I've been approached by some attractive women lately, and just thinking why am I putting up with W and her behavior? I'm allowing myself to be the doormat. I think it is time to go dark again, not in an effort to win her back, but to focus on myself. When I was doing that over the last months, I started to rebuild myself and my life. Then with her back in it, it is now a mess again. Hmmm, what does that say? She brings the drama and I'm dumb enough to thrive and fall into it. Need to detach.
I know the arguments are "she can reopen the case", "we could still reconcil", "I love her", etc. All true. Still needs to be done. Cut the rope before she drags you down further.
Originally Posted By: PhD_ChrisD
2) Be good to yourself. All of these months of dealing with things can take its toll. I sense a great deal of stress and frustration. I bet getting away from your W will help alleviate some (if not all) of this.
It has taken it's toll. I've gotten out of the gym, picked up smoking again and basically just feel like crap. I need to get back on the bike, start lifting again and take care of myself. The stress headaches and stiff neck are back, all related to stress, and it isn't the new job. The job is going great, I'm starting to bring clients in, and just having a great time doing what I am doing.
Originally Posted By: PhD_ChrisD
3) I am courious as to how your son is coping? Did you and W have "the talk" with him separatley or together? He doing ok with school, other kids, etc.? How is his behavior in general? It appears to me that your WAW pretty much kicked him to the curb. My heart goes out to him and to you.
S has his good and bad days. Sometimes he asks about mommy moving home, pretty sad. There has been no talk with S, I'm not sure at almost 3 he would understand much. He already realizes we live apart. W doesn't want to talk to him about much right now.
W is dealing with an identity crises and other emotional issues. So to cope she will go out for a few nights party hard and drink it away. She goes club hopping all the time, then she will decide she wants to be a mother again and she will watch S for a day or so, then when the guilt and confusion sets in without the party there to help forget it, she will show up at my house, and pretty much drop him at my feet. She may stay or go, but if she stays she just curls up on the floor and looks at the wall. She can't resolve the fact that she is a mother and how that can fit into her new life.
I know there will be a wake up one day, and I'm not to sure if I want to help clean it up. The wake of destruction she is leaving behind her is getting larger and causing problems even within her family.
Need to do some writing to get some thoughts and ideas out. Seems to help to write out the why’s and what’s and gives me something to reflect upon.
So W seems to say that she wants to work on things, but doesn’t take any steps in that direction. Laid out the plan to first deal with her depression, then MC for us with Retro, and then move in, etc. W has made no move towards doing anything. Keeps clubbing, ignoring her problems and leaves our S with me more and more.
Money: W would have never been “looking back” if she got a huge amount of alimony and child support at the temporary hearing. But I do question this as well since she said she wanted to cancel the night prior to the hearing. I used to think women doing those type of things were gold diggers, but I know my paradigm has changed after reading His Needs, Her Needs, and seeing how financial security is important to a women. But like I said if W would have gotten the money without me attached to it, she would have been gone for sure. So this is defiantly an issue I have to think through. Is it gold digging or is it seeking financial security? I think those are different things, one I can understand, one I can not.
Depression?: Next, W is going through something bad. Some type of MLC or depression, maybe something else, but her mind is wrecked right now. Is this something she can fix? If so, how long would that take? If it is a life long thing, do I want to deal with that forever? No, I can’t and won’t. I will not spend my life caring for an emotionally distraught wrecked person that uses others. If it is fixable, it will take time, M or not we can always reconcile, but part of the healing I’m sure would require me to be there. Not sure how that plays out. So I have to decide if I want to go through that.
The Affair: There has been a PA, the physical part has been dealt with for me. I have faced the pain and dealt with the anger, but the emotional side is what hurts. At this point there is no remorse and I wouldn’t expect that until the right time, but it is hard to turn the other cheek when I just think it will be slapped again. I guess I have to set boundaries and not allow them to be crossed. Plus I think it will only happen again, since she keeps encouraging me to date. Gives me “permission” to date, like it is her choice or something. My own thought on this, is I’m not ready right now. I’d like to think I would wait until the D if final, but things are what they are and I need to take each day at a time. I’m sure I’ll enjoy company of a good female when I’m ready.
Legal Proceedings: At this point she has expressed a lot, and is actually been released by the aliens, however, she is dealing with something much worse now, her guilt and depression. From reading success stories it seems I’m close to a corner being turned, which makes me think I should not push her to settle and get the D. She is having a hard time seeing the D and the R as two separate things. If she can’t do that, then it will hurt our R when I push it through. W has also mentioned now that she won’t sign a settlement, so I don’t think I even have the choice to push it if I want. She says if she has to and I push she will take it trial to protect her interests. So she obviously sees an element of trust in our R attached to the legal proceedings.
I know I love W dearly. I know I want things to work but I’m wondering if I just need to realize it is what it is and move on with my life. There would be huge work on our part, with each other, the families, everything. I’m not afraid of hard work, but I’m not going to start the work if it is a half effort on her part. I know so much of this is about her changing and that is not DB, but I’m not trying to DB her I’m trying to decide if I should continue to DB. I think I have hit the point like walkingcliche did, for those of you who recall him. So do I want to continue to DB? I know not DB’ing is DB’ing, but do I have any efforts behind it, real goals, journaling, etc…not sure if I should do it.
I need some time to think, more then 48 hours. I think what I’ll do is focus on the holidays, have a good time, but in my spare time work on this for myself. Come January I should have some clear thoughts and ideas of what to do. Then I’ll make a decision and follow through with it. I won’t break plans with W that are set now, I won’t go dark, but I think I’m going back to the LRT and leave it at that. Just drop the rope and see what happens. That should give me the time to think. It is hard when she is here all the time to get those thoughts worked through.
While I do this, I need to get back to myself. I was working out and doing well. Not so now. I need to get back to that, start working on my career, physical and spiritual side of things. Set some positive goals and reach out to them. I have reconnected with a lot of old friends, and due to this and work, I avoid getting out much, I need to start getting out more and keep the GAL going.
W just called, wanted me to bring her Tylenol PM so she could sleep. Said I couldn’t and she would have to go out and get some. Since she has been sleeping here she has it here. Well you can’t have it all I guess. Good talk probably 30 minutes, we talked about us the whole time. She is worried about getting counseling because her insurance rejected it and she can’t get her antidepressant meds. Says she needs to work on herself and then will consider us. She talked of Retro and MC, but only after she works on her. She moved away from the idea of buying a town house, says she doesn’t want to make things so permanent and is helping her recently D’ed friend finish her business and is probably going to move in there. Pretty much defied everything I just wrote. Feel like I have to be there when she wants to talk. Have to reconcile with that as well. Do I continue being the emotional rock, let her vent on me, or do I say I’m not hearing it and she has made her choice, and cut it off? Not sure how to handle that.
I can not continue with it all being about her, I deserve to feel loved and have that emotional support. Plenty of women out there that would be happy to be with me, and I don’t know if I even want that right now. What I do know is that I just want to be the best father to S that I can. If W doesn’t want a part of that, her choice.
So it comes down to one thing, do I want her back? I have to decide that first. It will take some time to think through. But if I set a timeline and really think, pray and work on me, I’m sure the answer will come.
Just had a great talk with a friend, and he helped me to narrow my focus a bit. He told me this story that he was dating this women, she was mean and cold to him. Well she had a pain pill problem, he rode it out she did rehab. It wasn't all good, because when she got out, her personality didn't change, she was still mean and cold, just pill free.
So looking at my above post, money situation, the affair and the legal proceedings, don't matter so who cares. The real focus is the depression or whatever it is.
I can honestly count on one freakin hand how times she has said sorry in our R. She almost never said I love you, I would say it every night and morning and get "me too" in response. So I wasn't happy before this. Well no kidding, isnt' that why we are here. But I can say the aliens have dropped my W off, and guess what, she is still the same person. She has no desire to change, she is a victim and life has screwed her over.
So I'm going to go through the holidays, and then come January get my D and move on with life. At least that is how I stand now. I'll be doing a lot of close observing to see how she acts during the next couple of weeks.
Just proved my point of what I wrote above. She has me to the point of pulling my hair out. Last night she said she no longer wanted me their to go x-mas shopping for S with her. She would rather I just give her money and she do it herself or with her friend. Told her I would get back to her on it.
Well today, with my I'm done, whatever attitude. I texted her to go ahead without me and I'd get her some money. Sure enought I get a phone call, Why would you not want to come with. He is your S as well, don't you think you should participate in his x-mas.
AHHHHHHHH! I will not yell at her, I will not, I will not. Keep it together, KIT, Keep it together, KIT.
Interesting post...very introspective and thought provoking.
I agree that somewhere along the line that you've allowed yourself to be drawn into her drama and maybe lost a little of your self-focus. Atlas, your wife isn't there. She isn't even close to the point where she can be the woman that you need, well that anyone would need, someone that doesn't just take. You are her rock, but she's more like your quicksand. I agree that you need to take a step back.
Want to try a little "act as if"? This time, instead of acting as if everything is hunky dorry, you act as if she is still completely the alien and has never made any mention of reconciling or marriage counseling. Honestly, she really hasn't. She's said a few words, went through a few motions, but she really isn't even close to being out of the fog, if that's what this is, to know what she wants, or pursue it if she did know. Does she want you? Who knows. I'd "act as if" she doesn't know and just step back from her. Refocus on making sure you're happy with the life you can create for yourself and your child and let her do her own thing. If/When she reaches the point where she actually knows she wants you, and isn't reacting out of fear of the unknown, or whatever that's driving her, she can hopefully do what it takes to convince you that she's worth your time. Until then, I'd continue to be there, when you can (although you can't just be her place to land to sober up and the guy that hears all of her woes), while taking the time for yourself as well. She can't come to you with all her problems if you are out living.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Thanks for taking the time to respond with some good constructive advice.
I have allowed myself to be drawn back in and you know what life was nice without her drama. Your exactly right about the all talk no action, boy does she have a game plan for our reconciliaton, but I have yet to see one step in that direction.
I'm going to follow through with the holidays, we made these plans already and it would be better for S anyhow. At the new year, if there are no steps being taken in her plan, then my plan goes into place and I push the D along, and get her out of my life.
So she is back in my life, hmmm, why? I wonder, oh OM left, her sister and mother are fully pissed off at her. Outside of her friends, who also have jobs, kids, school, she needs to constantly be around someone. She is full of $hit and is feeding me lines, so that she can keep her H while see searches for greener pastures. So it is time to remove the safety net. Thats my not so PC point of view.
