I can tell you that "be as loving and attractive to her (or him) as possible" was the prevailing culture on the Infidelity board back in my day (what I call the Class of '05). Didn't work for any of us. Not a single one. The only person I know of from then who had success used something of a hybrid approach and had a set of pretty unusual circumstances.
I believe that. No matter what the approach, the chance of success is usually not great. I think my point was that I believe the exposure approach is certainly no better in terms of success rates. And also can be very detrimental (I think) when you are talking about kids being exposed to this mess. I doubt very highly the parents could even maintain a basic civil relationship at that point. That's what I meant by burning too many bridges. No matter what happens in my own M, and knowing my H and I, I think maintaining a friendship is very possible. We are just like that. Other couples may not be. But I think it is worth it for the children. I can't remember if Bomber said he had kids, if not, than I'd certainly feel less inclined to maintain civility. In fact, I'd walk pretty fast out the door.
My wife actually did this to me, although it was with a GROUP of people. I just said "Have a good time," and went to bed a little earlier than usual and made sure all of the lights were out and the house was locked up tight when she got home. ROYALLY pizzed her off, but she got the message, and she never tried that level of disrespect again.
there is a HUGE difference, between "I'm snubbing you, by going out to a non-threatening event", and "I'm snubbing you for dinner, AND looking to get involved with another man by going on a date".
What she's doing, is the latter, at least in appearance.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
"Bombardier believes that if he went to counselling, that the counsellor would tell him things to fix about himself. he isnt willing to fix himself, so he isnt willing to go to counselling".
My reading was that he was talking about MC here, not IC.
Originally Posted By: Dom R
ICs and MCs rarely mix well together.
On what basis do you make that statement?
Originally Posted By: Dom R
they usually work directly against each other. i suggest you focus on finding a good MC.
A good MC won't accomplish much unless both parties are open to the counseling. If one is trying to fix the other, or if one really doesn't care about the M because they're involved with another person, there's little opportunity for progress.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
Just for the record I want to say that I am female and I made the child comparison earlier here. From what B50 has posted I stand by my earlier comments too - I believe she is acting like a child and her actions since my post corroborate that I feel.
Also, I went VERY public when I found out about my H's A and fought tooth and nail - I believe that's what saved my M. 18 months on from revelation we are doing good. H totally recommitted - wedding vows renewed,( just by the two of us and our kids in church as I didn't feel M'd after the A).
My H has been fantastic since it was all revealed and our M is SO different now. It has been hard work to keep up with friends etc after the revelation but that has been for me not H. I felt so betrayed I thought I would never trust again. It was me that started rejecting H not the other way around. If friends are true friends they will listen and support and not get involved.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Wow Saffie, that is just the example that I thought didn't exist. You proved me wrong. I'm really happy it worked out for you and H. Still think it's a rare feat though. I don't know if I could do it myself. But maybe I could. I am trying to manage my own mess after H and I separated (his choice) and then reconciled. But I'm still not in a good place mentally. Can't quite get to a level of acceptance and complete commitment. I should look into your story more and see how you did it.
Can't quite get to a level of acceptance and complete commitment.
I struggled with this and it does come up and bite me again from time to time. I don't have athread with my sitch on it really although if you look at my early posts you will see why I came to the boards - it was 11 months post reconciliation.
My email is in my profile if you want to email me.
Can I ask - did you think I was a guy when I posted those comments earlier?
I think the outcome depends upon the reason the A existed. My H thought I didn't love him anymore it transpired. My reaction showed him I did. If I hadn't reacted strongly I think that would have confirmed to him that I didn't care anymore. It was hairy for a while. One particular week was awful. But compared to what a lot of people on these boards put up with it was short lived.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
As for another sitch where telling people outside of the immediate loop works or is in the process of working...
My H told his parents and some guy friends of his. He told me that he "recommended" that i talk about this with some of my girlfriends before they found out "some other way" because that would just make me look worse. I talked to them about it. While they all were pretty upset with me that i'd do something like that, they all were very supportive of us trying to work our M out. He did proceed to talk to them (my friends) to see what they knew. I was honest, so he didn't have to tell them anything, but he would have. I was upset at first, when he first told everyone. I was thinking this was just our business, but I know why he did it. It's not his fault i chose to have the EA. He shouldn't have had to hide my dirty little secrets...
b50 - IMO, in regards to MC and dinner w/ dentist and anything else that comes up. I recommend being very honest and straight forward with her. Tell her that you would like to try MC once she is done having (whatever sort of) R with OM. Tell her that you are not okay with an open M. That is not an option for you.
If you let her walk all over you, she will continue to do so. Tell her what you are willing to put up with and make very clear what you will not put up with. Stand up for yourself and set your boundries!
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
B50, I have to tell you, I am surprised that she wants to go to MC. Most of the time, the partner having the affair ( whom I call the MLC spouse) wants no part of marital counseling. He/she wants to run the other way. She must be very confident of her ability to get sympathy for her side of the story. There is a certain brashness to her character that is hiding HER insecurities. Does anyone here really think she's capable of real MC work right now?
I am concerned about her, B50. I mean, she has this OM friend and now she plans ths other pseudo date, with another aqcuaintance of yours? She's not tracking properly. Somehow, if I were you, I would try to figure out a way to detach from the situation and get her some help.
No, I knew you were a woman. I've seen your posts here and there before, but never knew your story. I liked how you said the reason for the A (or any betrayal, I'd say) is important to the turnout of the M. A loss of love can be regained. But to get to a point of true dislike for a person and contempt for a person, that is a marital kiss of death. I'm happy to say I still like my H, even love my H, even if the "in love" feelings are not quite there. It sounds like you have had your own rocky road towards forgiveness. But I hope things continue to work out for you.
there is a HUGE difference, between "I'm snubbing you, by going out to a non-threatening event", and "I'm snubbing you for dinner, AND looking to get involved with another man by going on a date".
All the more reason not to put up with it. Their situation is much worse.
