Matilda, The mistrust is around her perception that I'm unwilling to do my fair share of household chores.
She was pushing me to get a new job again this week. I decided to push back. We were able to get a little more clarity regarding her concerns.
She thinks that I'm not reaching my potential at my current job. I work with mostly clients on some kind of state or federal assistance. My W thinks that I'm afraid to work with higher income clients. I have been more comfortable working with those in need. I see it as a fit; she sees it as settling.
I told my W that I would not take a position strictly because it paid more. I told her that job satisfaction is also a factor. I said that if there were a position that paid more, and that I thought was a good fit, I would consider it. I said that I'm in charge of my own career, and that I will not change jobs on a whim.
I hope this backs her off a little. I'll think about her comments. There are negatives with my job that would be nice to rid of.
I met with my IC last week. His advice is that I should stand my ground on the important issues, and not let my W take away the positives in my life to meet her whims, or allow her to avoid the work she needs to do.
We were dancing together on Friday and Saturday night. On Sunday, I assisted her with her cooking job.
She's having a job crisis at this time and is considering resigning from her position. She has the cooking job, so there is income to cover expenses. We'll see how that situations plays out.
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Jak, and Matilda, I received a complimentary email from my W. She had decided to take a break from job stress and go out dancing last night. In the email she thanked me for being supportive with her job situation. She is considering resigning, keeping the cooking job, putting the positives back into her life--ballet, dancing, exercise, and start looking for something more appropriate for her skills and education.
She mentioned that the home improvements have created a house she is proud of and finds peaceful. She said that the house helps her to feel empowerered to find a job she is deserving of.
The only conflict we have at this time is to decide whether or not to hold further home improvement projects if she resigns.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
Wonderful compliment Cl. Does it kind of make the rants less hurtful? Like I said you are a saint to go back and forth with her moods and keep your cool. But please don't avoid the conflict to the important things.( not that it's getting me anywhere confronting so I might take a different path).
Happy day CL!
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
CL, This sounds excellent! The fact that she wants to incorporate the positives into her life is VERY encouraging. She is moving along her path to find inner happiness. She finds peace in your home... that is wonderful.
It's also nice that she thanked you for being supportive. Now you know how your actions impact her.
Go you!
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Jak, PS, and Matilda, I think the reason my W is more supportive in an email versus in-person, is to keep an emotional distance. I think she fears intimacy with me.
Thanks for helping me to see the positives. It's hard to step-back and take notice of them, when there's been so much distance in the M.
I danced without my W on Friday night. On Saturday, I accompanied her to her mother's to help fix her computer. This involved several trips to the hardware store. Her mother was appreciative.
On Sunday, I took her car in to the mechanic to replace the headlight. I did her shopping for her cooking job. I assisted her with her cooking job, and dellvered the food to her sister and family.
We went to yoga together for the third week in a row. She wants to tone her body--strengthen the upper body, and tone the middle.
The recently installed gas fireplace has a calming effect on her. She will lower the thermostat, so that she can feel the heat from the fire. We spend quiet time in front of the fire and talk about her concerns.
A persistent conflict we have is trying to meet her cleaning standards. She doesn't have time to clean, so I'm doing most of it. She's talking about hiring a cleaning person. I would prefer to spend money on something else, but if its important to her, I won't be an obstructionist.
I have a feeling she will only be at her job for a matter of weeks. It's a toxic environment, and she is capable of so much more. I will be supportive if she decides to resign.
She has been listening to affirmation tapes trying to counter fear and other negative thoughts/emotions. I see her trying to incorporate this into her life.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
FWIW, I am a stay-at-home-working mom. I have to tell you--I have a lady come in once a week to do the jobs I just can't seem to get to like bathrooms, dusting and vacuuming (my job, keeping up with kids, clutter, cooking, laundry, homework, chauffering, etc. keep me more than busy).
It's THE BEST money I spend on myself. I no longer fret that in my crazy day I didn't get to those tasks and the peace of mind of knowing that the neglected things aren't constantly growing larger and filthier is worth a lot to me. Also, she can get the job done in a fraction of the time because she has no distractions.
If W is working full time and is stressed about the things she isn't getting to at home, perhaps the additional cost of cleaning services is worth the (hopeful) benefit to your R in terms of her no longer being able to hold the chores over your head.
