Youa re as strong as you believe youself to be. If you live in a world with limits, you will never go beyond them.
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If my wife has sex with another man I don't know if I could forgive her.
That is not her fault. Your possible inability to Forgive is a choice you will make. Forgiveness is a choice and a process. No one is saying it is easy.
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understand MLC is a sickness but shouldn't they be partially responsible for causing the pain they do, to their spouses and children and everyone else...
No! If you feel pain, it is because you have chosen to do so. Your wife or any other person has no responsibility for your feelings or reactions. Will you feel pain? YES, it is normal, it shows you are human, it is part of growing through this journey.
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I guess in my mind I have to figure out a time when I will give in. Of course when that time comes I may change it. I guess I have to take it a day at a time...
You can do that. Or you can feel it out day by day. 5-6 years is a long time; I do not think most who return take that long--though maybe that is because those that would take that long take so long that their spouses will no longer take them back.
We rarely see MLCers start to return before 18 months. Some star to return much later...18 months is the early time. Given that, I personally think it is absurd to give yourself a waiting period less than 18-24 months. Why give 12 when almost NONE return that quickly? It doesn't make sense. So 24 months may seem like a long time to you. Compare that to the next 40 years of togetherness--it is small by comparison. But pleae understand, the START home isn;t easy, it doesn't mean things are resolved. It means the rebuilding work can begin.
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it's more than sex! It's having someone look at you with loving eyes. It's someone smiling at you when you do something silly. It's someone kissing you and saying I love you. Someone laying on the couch with you holding eachother.....Maybe some people can be satisfied with masturbation. Is it weak to need love, real love? I don't think so. Sometimes we need to have self respect too.
Yes, we know it is more than sex. We're in the choir--soemtimes we even get to write the lyrics.
But is it worth the wait? It had better be. You are certainly not ready for a relationship with someone else. You are vulnerable right now, and that opens you to a poor relationship based on desperate need.
It is not weak to want love or sex. Self-respect is something completely differnet. Do you really think you will have Self-respect by not forgiving your damaged wife, starting a new relationship on the rebound, missing your wife, your new woman will sense this, feel like you are her second choice...no life isn't fair. But do you have to consciously make it unfair?
Whether you deserve love is irrelevant. Everyone, regardless of sins, deserves love.
Your deseprate defense shows me that you are not not a complete person without your wife. Now is your opportunity. Now is her opportunity. Only two people who are complete in themselves can have a healthy relationship together. You have been too dependent on others to validate your worth. When do you plan to discover your self-worht for your Self?
How about now? We are not saying this will be easy. But if you let it, I promise it will be rewarding. embrace the journey to find yourself. Learn to Love yourself. Your wife can then choose to watch and accept the person you become, it is that person that will be the attractive force toward rebuilding.
But it cannot happen until you start creating that new person. And sorry, but that person is going to do without somethings for a time. I went for 18 months without sex...and in a two year period (part of the 18 months) Sweetheart and I only had sex three times.
I love sex! I'd like it several times a week. I love making love with Sweetheart, holding him, touching him, looking at him in all his glory. And though I am a great fan of sex, I only want it with Sweetheart. I was willing to let it go for awhile so we could have it better in our future.
Post MLC have potential for a greatness well beyond what was expereinced Pre-MLC. But to get there you've got to walk through the dark forest.
