Well a bit of journaling here, feeling a bit blue today and I can't seem to shake it. I dropped the kids off last night with my wife and after that the my place was just too quiet for comfort. It was so, so empty without those two running about, being loud, arguing and playing with one another. Two things that made it even more difficult was that we had our usual Sunday night family dinner and it felt SO good sitting there with them. Then as I left I heard those questions again. Oh how I hate them!
Work is a bit slow today and it's very quiet as well which isn't helping me. I'm also feeling sad about going to the school Christmas pageant tonight. I can't wait to see the girls but then again I know I'll just be going home alone. To boot I'll probably hear "Daddy why can't you come home now" or "Daddy why do you have to leave?" Oh how that really gets me when D11 asks me that! The look on her face combined with the tone in her voice...
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I don't think that'll do any good because it would point out to her exactly how selfish her actions and decisions have been and how those actions and decisions have hurt the people that love her and she loves the most.
What she needs to hear is from our girls how they feel. I know for a fact my wife has been pondering and questioning her decision and its impact on our girls, our families and friends.(Don't ask how I know but I know it as absolute fact.) She's been wondering if she made the right decision and if she should have done something different or accepted more of the negative, ie have greater fortitude. She's also wondering if she's put her happiness too far ahead of her children's.
Bottom line here is I know she's thinking on all of these subjects so I have to be careful not to push her in any way. Unfortunately Friday's events and my subsequent conversation with her about it didn't help, in fact it push her back.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
A bit more journaling before bedtime. We went to the Christmas pageant together this evening. She didn't talk to much but then again she's just getting her voice back after being so sick last week. Once seated she seemed to open up and we chatted about lots of little things, her bringing up subjects which is a good thing.
The subject of the holidays came up, well I brought it up. She's taking the girls and meeting her mom and stepdad at our vacation house after Christmas and through new years. I was hoping to go down for new years just so I could sit on the beach. So I flat out asked if she minded if I came down new years eve. I was a little surprised by the response, "hmm, let me think about that." But it wasn't the words she said it was how she said it, like it wasn't a bad idea and an idea she would seriously consider. So it'll be interesting to see how that plays out especially given my mother has invited her here for Christmas and she is planning on joining us.
Now on the subject I brought up before, dealing with anger, bitterness and frustration. As I sat in the church sanctuary this evening I just stared at the Lord's candle that is always lit. A peace came over me as I sat looking at it then the phrase you are the light, the way the truth popped into my head. Yes there's my answer in how to deal with those harder feelings, turn it over to God.
As for D9 in the pageant, well she did great in her little role. I couldn't help just finding so much joy sitting there seeing all those children and their beaming parents and my little "tinypea" who's gotten so big so fast. Wow it seems only yesterday D11 was in the pageant as a kindergartener!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Those family things ripped my heart out, especially when W. seemed so totally removed from how it just killed me. It is a slow, writhing pain. Awful. Coupled with the holidays, I'm kind of glad (weird, I know) I'm in Iraq. To me, it's just Tuesday.
The let me think about that is also a killer, although maybe you shouldn't have asked (?) Maybe you should have had some other plans. I don't know. I'm so weary of this stuff. How's the weight loss?
Well I got to thinking Key West would be a cool and warm place to go for NYE. I checked on flights and such, well it was a nice idea until I got the cost of flights.
Well things appear to be on a more positive swing again. Man is it just me or do both of us swing emotionally a bit too much? We had lunch yesterday and it was really good. Chatted about all kinds of things but mainly about kids, school and work, like friends catching up on everything. Lunch is also our designated time to have more serious discussions too. So I brought up that I had been reading the 5 languages of apology as part of my continued self improvement. I then asked her what she felt made for a sincere apology. She answered almost immediately, acceptance of responsibility and changed behavior. So I asked her to rate me on how she felt I did at apologizing. Her answer, just ok. Seems she felt I didn't do so well on the behavior aspects of apologies. Fair enough and I would assess myself exactly the same. (I didn't say that to her.) She did ask if she could borrow the book when I was finished and of course I said yes and that I hope that she finds it useful.
I also brought up our challenge from last Friday and how it was rooted in communication. I apologized for not being specific in what I could do and reiterated the solution I have in place for making sure she gets the money in a timely fashion.
I then brought up Retrouvaille to her saying I felt it was something we could both benefit from since it's focus is on communication skills within a relationship. I said that I felt it was something each of us could benefit from personally for future relationships no matter how we end up. She's interested in learning more about it.(Her reaction was much more open minded towards it and I actually felt she will seriously consider it this time.) So I told her I'd forward the information I received from them to her so she could learn more.
Now the interesting twist to the next local Retrouvaille weekend, it falls on the 3 days just before our 19th wedding anniversary. So it's got the potential to be a very highly charged and emotional weekend for us if we do attend.
So after all of the above we had "Santa" dinner with our closest couple friends and their kids last night. This is something she set up and something we've done with these friends for probably 8-9 years. We had a great time together and honestly for me it felt like we were one big happy family.
And to top it all off, this morning I found out she's told a few coworkers that we are having Christmas together.
All of this just makes me stop and say hmmm....
Well I can't do anything more than accept each event as a positive moment and nothing more, no expectations beyond them, just enjoy the moment so to speak.
Last edited by catfan; 12/20/0707:57 PM.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Well I can't do anything more than accept each event as a positive moment and nothing more, no expectations beyond them, just enjoy the moment so to speak.
Lots of nice little positives right now, so why in the world do I feel like $^&! today then? I can't seem to shake the thought from the back of my mind that it's over and I am deluding myself. Why do I continually have this thought because it sure does throw water on the positive fire. Grrr...
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Catfan, you continue to have the thoughts that you are deluding yourself because you haven't REALLY turned it over to God as you said you would do. Once you turn it over to God, it's out of your hands, and you will have a peace that HE'S in control now. Easier said than done, I know. And, once you turn it over to God, it's really easy to snatch it back up, because we're impatient, or want to take control ourselves. You have a lot of positives and your DB'ing really well. As for the outcome, leave that to God. And trust that he can turn the tide in any direction, and that he cares about you.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
