Forgot to mention. We always so to not reward bad behavior. OK, so what about "good" behavior? W's attorney told me that she has absolutely no money, and it's a big problem. So after the kids and I bought the rats & mice (plus got S10 some new shoes and clothes for his basketball team), I stopped by the grocery store W shops at and purchased $300 in gift cards. I put them in an envelope with $200 in cash and gave it to S10 (sealed) to give to W.
Thursday - I received a call from W on Thursday morning. I was absolutely shocked. Again, we don't talk, and given the restraining order thing, I'm nervous. She called to discuss a few things about the kids, and I'm just in awe that we are even talking. Nothing pissy was said, and it was actually productive. When the conversation was over, I said good-bye, and so did she. That is the first time she has even said good-bye to me in six months. What the hell?
Thursday afternoon, I got ANOTHER call from her. She said that the pharmacy made a mistake on her prescription and gave her the smallest quantity (because that is what she originally ordered since she had very little money), even though she asked them to increase it because I was willing to pay for it. The balance of it is now ready and she asked if I could go pay for it. Given that it is her anti-seizure medication, and she must have it, of course I agreed. I went down and paid for it ($450 total for this and the previous day's order). I called, got her voicemail, and said it is taken care of. Get this, when I went to pick up D8 and S6 (they are with me this week from Thursday after school until Friday going to school), S10 was there. He said the previous day that he enjoyed being with me, he wanted to spend the next night. I didn't think that was even a possibility, but now, here he is!!!! BTW, an email from just three days previous, from W to her attorney, responding to my request to spend a day with S10, basically said I was to have, in her words, NO contact with him and the matter will not re-addressed. Now this??? I'll take it! We had a great night. The kids called W and said they wanted to have the rodents with them at my house that evening, and to my shock, she agreed to bring them over. We do the pick/up & drop/off at the local supermarket, but now she was bringing the pets not to my house, but said she'd drop them off a couple doors down, which she did. You have no idea how surprised I was by this.
Also on Thursday, I got an email from W's attorney, written by her, responding to an email of mine talking about the co-parent counseling. I said there is another appointment set up for next Tuesday, and if she would like, she can have it all by herself and I won't even show up. (the counselor wants to meet with her separately anyway). She said she called the counselor's office, and is going to go at a different time. BUT SHE'S GOING!!. Yeah, I know, don't make too much of it.
Friday, I take the kids to school, but now I have all the pets and cages. I didn't really want to call W, but didn't really have a choice. The logistics of this need to get worked out. We decided that I will pick up D8 and S6 from school, and she will pick them up at the same corner by my house, along with the cages, at 3:30 (I get an extra 30 minutes with kids, which is cool). OK, she gets there two minutes early, just as I was walking up with a cage. I was just going to leave the kids and cages at the corner, then I'd stand back at my house (50 yards) and watch them so I know all is OK. Well, there I am, rat cage in hand, she stops the car, gets out, doesn't seem upset that I'm near her (first time in over six months), and actually talks to me! Nicely!! She let me know that she had to spend $180 of the $200 I gave her on another prescription, but not in such a way she was expecting to get it back. Probably. Anyway, I tell her I'm happy to pay for her prescriptions, but I only have $55 on me, so I give it to her. She makes a point of getting the pharmacy receipt out of her car to show me she actually paid the money, I tell her that's not necessary and that I believe her, but she wants me to see it anyway. I acknowledge it let her know that I'll get her the $125 balance in about an hour. She and the kids are going to S10's basketball practice at the school (across the street from my house), and I tell her that I'll call her cell phone when I'm outside the gym (so I don't have to go in and be near her) so D8 can come get it. Oh, I also reach into one of the kids backpacks and hand her an envelope with $300 in gift cards to Target, she she shops for a lot of the household supplies. She was pretty surprised by this. When I get back to the school, instead of having her $125 in an envelope, I put in $500. I also wrote on the envelope that I will take care of her rent for next month while we work out the financials.
Sunday - I get a call from D8 (which is rare in itself). She asks if I can take her and S6 to go see Alvin and the Chipmunks. What? I ask her if mommy said this is OK, and she says yes. We haven't broken the prescribed visitation schedule in six months, now this. She even says mommy will drop them off at the corner near my house. So now she's more comfortable coming closer. OK..... And guess what? S10 is with them as well! He's pissed by the way, because he and W got into an arguement. I immediately get his spirits up, and off we go. Had a bit to eat while waiting for the movie, and when it was over, I dropped them off at the same pharmacy I get her prescriptions, because it is near where she lives (even though she doesn't know that I know where she lives) and it was more convenient for me, because I wasn't going back to my house anyway.
One more thing, her birthday is Monday and it took the kids out shopping and D8 and S6 each picked out a present, then I picked out one from S10. I wrapped them and put them in a large bag and the kids put it in her car on Friday when we exchanged the rodents...... I couldn't let her b-day pass without the kids being able to give her a small present and cards.
I'm not going to get trapped in the thought that maybe something is shifting in her. She offered the olive branch of having S10 be with me before I started giving her any money.
I'm impressed by your behavior. I didn't think you had it in you. Although, you may be going a little overboard with the amount of money you're throwing her way.
As far as your W is concerned, it's amazing that such a transformation can happen. I witnessed it myself with my own W. It seems like they finally realize that all of the anger is unwarranted and unnecessary. This doesn't necessarily mean you will reconcile. But at least it means things can be handled civilly.
I agree with what you did for her birthday. I did the same with my kids for my W's birthday and Christmas. Although I did not personally get her anything, I made sure the kids gave her something.
As you said before, don't read too much into it. Just ride the wave towards the shore. You never know what can happen.
God Bless
PoohBear
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
You're holding it together well. I do believe that when they exhaust themselves of the venom they do get a lot nicer. My interactions with my STBXW this weekend were the best I can recall in years.
Thanks for the kind responses everyone. I really appreciate it.
Received an email from W today, which she copied to her attorney. Simply agreeing with an email I sent out last week altering the Christmas schedule. I'm actually giving up a couple days with the kids prior to Christmas, because the way it worked, I was going to have them from the 20th through noon on the 25th, except for three short hours on the 24th. I think that is unfair on the kids to be away from their mom and older brother that much leading up to Christmas. I suggested a different plan, along with an adjustment on the few days after the holiday to smooth out everyone's schedule.
Why is her response important? Well, it is the first time she has sent me a direct email in about five months. She has only sent them to her attorney, who "cuts and pastes" her text into his email, and forwards it that way. Again, a small thing, but it is a change.
Maybe I'll keep quiet since everyone was so impressed. I personally think for the moment that you're buying her friendliness, but oh well, whatever works for you. Why couldn't she get the money from you and go pick up her own prescription? Like you, I once thought that doing all this going above and beyond would really help....and it does, to a certain extent. As long as you are providing something for her, she can manage to be a little more civil. I've done the same thing, or did, up to a point, but there has to come a time when you set up some boundaries. What is she going to do, rely on you to always provide grocery cards and money, run to the store for her scripts, pay for gas? Doesn't she have any kind of budget? Do you or do you not provide support? If so, what is all this extreme above and beyond stuff? Honestly DNQ, believe it or not, there are actually people that make it through a month on less than $500 worth of groceries. Just so you know, you can't buy someone's affections. I do think you need boundaries, but I'd be a complete hypocrite if I didn't say that if this is the way to see your SS, who is essentially your son, I would do the same....throw money in exchange for visitation. And if I were you, I'd thank her for letting him come over and start a positive feedback loop.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I get it. But at this point, if I can "buy" civility, so be it. I have larger things in mind, like getting her to drop the temp. restraining order before we have to spend $20k over the next thirty days on attorney fees to go to trial. If I have to spend $2,000 - $4,000 to get her to see things a bit differently, it's a good investment. It seems to be having some effect as far as I can see.
Her budget? Not my concern. I'm providing her what I THINK is appropriate. I am under a court order to provide NO support, simply because my attorney is better than hers and being self-employed, I can make the numbers benefit my position. My goal (you will all say "my manipulation") is to provide for her at a bare minimum, let the court acknowledge that I'm not letting her or my kids twist in the wind, but give her enough to hope that she can grateful.
I know I cannot purchase her affection, but at the same time, by giving her certain things it helps my kids, lessens her stress, and gives her fewer reasons to hate me.
Regarding my SS; yes; whatever it takes. He is a joy that I cannot explain, and I absolutely KNOW that he needs me in his life. Whatever it takes. But guess what.... I actually think she is doing this for no other reason than she realizes he is better off being with me than not being with me, and that is encouraging.
I love this woman. Yet today is her birthday, and I can't even call to wish her a happy B-day. Frustrating, but I view it as temporary.
Just so you know, you can't buy someone's affections. I do think you need boundaries, but I'd be a complete hypocrite if I didn't say that if this is the way to see your SS, who is essentially your son, I would do the same....throw money in exchange for visitation. And if I were you, I'd thank her for letting him come over and start a positive feedback loop.