Don't know what I'm doing anymore - Help.

[holdingpattern]

Ann, come on.

You sent naked pictures, pictures of you without clothes on to some, litteraly, *randomly* assigned solider on the internet and want to logically conclude that your husband had some deep insecurity issues that he independently brought to the marriage?

If my spouse were ehumping some guy, and sending him nudies, sucking me dry of emotional support whilst making not having sex with me paramount, honestly, I'd probably kinda hate her and lash out wildly after each rejection.

[ann25]

holdingpattern,

Ann, come on.

you obviously haven't read my whole thread... no worries. He started of accusing me of having an A over a year before my EA. Prior to the EA, there was nothing that should have given him the impressions of an affair. He would say he didn't know what i was doing at work. He would say things like "well, you get breaks and lunches, who knows what you do during those times" thats when i started calling him everyday at both my breaks and lunches. So yes, those were some sort of insecurities that he brought in independantly to our M. I would come home on a daily basis to accusations and questions and insults. He called me "some sort of whore" on more than one occasion. I dealt with it and tried to encourage and reassure him as much as possible. Nothing i said or did changed his mind.

I can totally accept and understand his behavior and feelings now. I can understand his being hurt and uspet and even possibly hating me, as you put it. He is justified in all those feelings and so many more, just as i am justified in having mine.

[ann25]

okee dokee.... hope everyone had a good weekend.

Friday night we went to my sisters rehersal dinner. I am so excited for her. She was so happy. I've never seen her that happy and it was just awesome. H helped me quite a bit with the baby (D3 was a flower girl). I was a little worried how he'd handle it, but he did ok. Nice night, had a great dinner with all the families. Went home, got everything ready for the wedding and cleaned up a bit. tried to look for the meteor shower at 2am, but didn't see a thing.

Saturday. little one woke up early, so i got up. gave baths and got the girls dressed up and beautiful. Woke H up, so i could shower and get ready. H was debating going with me early cause he didn't want to get ready yet, but i talked him into it. got to the wedding, took pictures, did the whole prewedding thing with the girls. The ceremony was beautiful. They had an awesome pastor doing the service. I cried. Patrially cause she's my baby sister and partially cause i was reminded how much those vows meant to me when i said them and how i'm willing to do whatever i need to in order to make them last, to make our M last.

the pastor said lots of things during the wedding, but one of the things that just hit me was when he read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Some may know if for those who don't "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I just kept hearing that over and over in my head. I try not to throw things back at him that he has done, sometimes i don't do a great job of that, but i'm pretty good. Thing is, i'm still holding on to it inside. So, basically i've decided that he has a clean slate. That's the only way I can do this. I keep getting scared when he says or does something that is like he used to, but I was thinking that if i wasn't holding on to the old stuff, it probably wouldn't bother me so much. I know that i don't have the same from him, but I can't wait for him to do something. I have to do what's right for me. Maybe eventually he can at least forgive me.

Rest of the wedding was lovely. H actually danced with me a couple times other than the obligatory wedding party dance. He took a ton of pics and we made a cd for my S and BIL to take w/ them to Hawaii. That was sweet of him. late that night, H asked lots of "do you regret marrying me?" and "you seemed so happy, i wish it was cause you wanted to be with me" and i did a LOT of reassuring him. I had a killer headache (have had it for over a week) when we went to bed, was going to initiate sex, but asked H to rub my temples for a minute, put me right to sleep. i apologized in the morning cause i didn't even say goodnight. He said it was ok. he understood. He wished I hadn't, but he knew i had a headache. (kinda used that tone he gets, but I ignored it )

Sunday, went to sisters to watch them open gifts (family tradition) and said goodbye, wished them well. Went home, girls took naps, we got out the Christmas decor and put up the tree. pretty quiet night. H went out and got me one of my most fav snacks while he was out. That was really sweet. i think the wedding had an affect on him too cause he was pretty nice this weekend. no craziness really at all. I used to lay right next to him and lay my head on his chest. Haven't really felt comfortable doing it lately (seems really intimate, seems weird right now). I did that last night and fell asleep. I know that he probably wanted sex, but he seemed happy to have me back just laying beside him, so he didn't mention it this morning.

Overall... great weekend. I think that giving him a clean slate will take work, but i know that's the only way that i can really move forward.

ann

[holdingpattern]

No.. I read the entire thread. I'm a mid 20s male myself, and would say I have a unique insight as I'm currently in a very close situation.


When he originally started acusing you of the affair, how long prior to that had you begun refusing him sex or otherwise made yourself emotionally unavailable?


You're not justified. Stop telling yourself that.


It's not point, counter-point, tick for tack, that only makes the problem worse. And you seem unbelievable steadfast in your resolve to manipulate your husband into being what you want him to be.

While he wants sex, and that is in my opinion the number one reason hes distant, eratic and pissed at you, stop trying to manipulate him with it. Figure out *why* you don't want to have sex and focus on that.

Go read up and find out if you have nice guy syndrome (read: nice guys arn't all that nice, but they think they are)

[Dom R]

Hey Ann... glad to hear you had a nice weekend. with your H, even

Something for you to think about...

I had a killer headache (have had it for over a week) when we went to bed, was going to initiate sex, but asked H to rub my temples for a minute, put me right to sleep. i apologized in the morning cause i didn't even say goodnight. He said it was ok. he understood. He wished I hadn't, but he knew i had a headache. (kinda used that tone he gets, but I ignored it )

Do you really think now, in hindsight, that the right thing to do, was for you to ignore him, when you know that he is feeling bad about it?

if you really meant to initiate sex that night.... but you didnt do so because you 'accidentally" fell asleep... what about, next time, following through on your dropped intentions, and jumping his bones in the morning or something?

I know that he probably wanted sex, but he seemed happy to have me back just laying beside him, so he didn't mention it this morning.

again... you avoided it, even though you believed he "probably wanted it". Why didnt you just initiate then?

Overall... great weekend. I think that giving him a clean slate will take work, but i know that's the only way that i can really move forward.

sounds very sensible and healthy

[Heimlich]

Gentlemen,

We seem to be losing sight of the issue that Ann lost interest in sex with her H (remember, she was the one who wanted it all the time before the EA, him, not so much. He only got hot and bothered AFTER the EA on Ann's part -- which came after he wanted a D) after he decided to D and then not do much around the house/help with kids. I just had a thought, that maybe, Ann, he's actually trying to reconnect with you physically because that's what you used to want from him, and he's not doing it only out of insecurity. Just a thought.

That Ann's H was able to rub her temples and allow her to fall asleep and allow her to sleep on his chest without jumping her and getting too pissy if she said no is a reasonably big step for him, it seems. She's been initiating a little more nookie recently, she's under no obligation to spread 'em whenever he feels like it -- hello, resentment.

BD

[ann25]

No.. I read the entire thread.

no, i don't think you did. if you did, you'd know that i begged for sex even while we were fighting. I asked on a regular basis for it. it was only after he said he wanted a divorce that the sex became limited. he chose to sleep in another room and he asked me for the divorce.

When he originally started acusing you of the affair, how long prior to that had you begun refusing him sex or otherwise made yourself emotionally unavailable?

see response above. he started accusing me when D3 was about 1. I was asking on a regular basis for sex. He'd accomidate me about 2 times a week. If i didn't ask, we'd go at least a week or week an a half without any.

You're not justified. Stop telling yourself that.

not that i think i even need to say how wrong you are here, but i will. I can have feelings. I'm allowed to feel hurt and unloved. I am allowed to feel like he mistreated me for over a year. I'm allowed to feel like he thought little of me because of the insults he threw my way. I am allowed to have feelings just like you and everyone else here is.

It's not point, counter-point, tick for tack, that only makes the problem worse. And you seem unbelievable steadfast in your resolve to manipulate your husband into being what you want him to be.

how so? could you show me some examples of this because it is definately not my intention to manipulate anyone.

While he wants sex, and that is in my opinion the number one reason hes distant, eratic and pissed at you, stop trying to manipulate him with it. Figure out *why* you don't want to have sex and focus on that.

not to repeat what i said above, but i have always wanted to have sex with him up until he wanted a divorce. I do at least 2 times a week have sex with him. I don't feel i am manipulating him with it. i feel like i am doing my best to fufil the needs he has had. I don't want to have sex with him because i am not attracted to him. I don't feel a H/W connection with him. I'm doing my best to get that back. As it starts to come back, i will continue to do more for him sexually.

[ann25]

dom R

i don't necessarily appreciate the quotes around accidently. I fell asleep without meaning to and that means it is an accident. not that you'd have any idea as you are a man, but pregnancy takes a whole lot out of you. I was on my feet from about 7am to 9pm that day, in heels no less. I was tired.

I have been iniating and responding lately when he has iniated. This was the first time in the last couple months that when i was truly tired and hurting, my H put my need for sleep above his need for sex. I thanked him for it.

I don't initiate sex in the morning 1) because I am up at 6 and my H sleeps until about 8 or 9. the weekends are 7 and H up at 10 or 11. 2) he doesn't particularly enjoy it in the morning. he has told me as much on several occassions.

I avoided talking about it because unless he brings something up, i'm not talking about our R much. If he wants reassurance from me and asks me something, I will happily provide it, but i'm not randomly just going to apologize for not doing something that he has no idea i was going to do. I just don't see the sense in that.

I do think it was a really good weekend overall.

[ann25]

and once more...

Heim - again. you make me smile.

it seems like you actually got the point I was making. My H made a big step towards making me feel loved (something he hasn't done in a while) by thinking about what i needed (sleep and rest) over what he wanted.

maybe, Ann, he's actually trying to reconnect with you physically because that's what you used to want from him, and he's not doing it only out of insecurity

i have thought about that and that is part of the reason that I've been more willing to go with it. I fought so hard for so long for him to want me like he does now. I think if he had pursued me this much before i probably would have passed out from the shock of it. Sex has always been something that we just do cause it is fun, not because he really cared one way or the other. For me, it has always been a need/desire. that's why i actively pursued him. It's killing me that now I don't really want it. Not sure if you've read this whole thing or not, but it took me a while to feel that need to be physical w/ my H. He's a good looking guy, just not what i'd consider "my type". I'm hoping that the steps he's taking and me just getting used to having sex again will help me get those feelings back.

I appreciate the attempt at refocusing here... not sure if it will work, but it was a good shot!

ann

[holdingpattern]

No, I read your entire thread. I'm just not conditioned to find an excuse to dismiss anyones behavior. Prior to the 'D' bomb, did hubby take a drastic drop on the important'o'meter after the children?

Did you focus extremely hard on 'being a good mom', possibly at the expense of your attention to him?

Now I understand children are important, I have children. But we share our love with spouses/partners and children, many times husbands drop VERY far down on the list.

Maybe sex for him was very shallow if he was unimportant till you 'needed' something from him, like he is now doing to you?


Here is how to start fixing things:

Question to Hubby:

"How important do you feel?"

If people do not feel valuable, they will often try MANY different things from positive to negative to try and establish their value.

When he cleaned up, unfortunantly he was looking for fireworks, and a sex-prize .. this is not good howeber, you need to define yourself by yourself, not by others.

"How does my perception of you influence how you feel?"


If it does; A: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com

"Can you feel important without my approval?"


If it does; A: http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com