You were all right...unfortunately...

[fearless]

I completely understand where your feelings are, about wanting her to admit what she is doing is wrong,

Dom,

It has nothing to do with getting her to admit that she has done something wrong. It is more practical than that. Marriage counseling simply doesn't work when there is a third party in the marriage.

My XH and I went to marriage counseling every week for 4 months with his affair completely unknown to me. While the counseling seemed good to me and I thought we were covering some good ground, we couldn't reconnect. He finally told me about the A on Christmas Eve and then ended it that night; he said that ending the A was more due to the holiday and the fact that the relationship was imploding (she was fairly psycho) more than anything else. Unfortunately the 4 months of counseling were used against me less than 2 months later (as in "Counseling hasn't fixed anything in 6 months so I don't think our marriage can be fixed.") Our counselor told him flat out that the first 4 months were almost useless to the marriage because of the A.

So I guess if I were b50 I would focus more on saying that as long as OM is any kind of factor in their marriage, then marriage counseling will not work affectively. It's NOT about getting her to admit fault (or at least it shouldn't be). That can come later, IMO.

[RealJourney]

MC is only as good as the people's intentions who enter. If you start MC with your W at this point, she will likely use it as simply a blaming place. That is money out the window, and a waste of your time, unless you like the counselor and feel you could benefit from some individual time.

[LustForLife]

Go to C for yourself at this point (if you want to), the MC may not be effective at this point. I agree with the others.

LFL

[Dom R]

bombardier50:

I might suggest that you read this article from Dr. Dobson about the critical reaction of the left behind spouse. He says that the reaction of the left behind spouse in affairs is going to determine the results.

Open the cage.

He has a book titled "Love Must Be Tough" that is all about infidelity.

As in ALL books/articles about marriage... there is no single approach or solution guaranteed to fit EVERY marriage in exactly the same way.
For anyone who reads the article, do note the following paragraph, contained in the article itself:

Please understand that every situation is unique and I am merely describing typical reactions, but these developments are extremely common in families ....

(ie: "this wont work for everyone, but it is most commonly useful")

[bombardier50]

All,
I am very ambivalent to go to counseling, for all the reasons stated above. I know what she's after in counseling, and her goal is to fix me. I'm sure she thinks that if she could get me "off her back" about her relationship, she could continue her little fantasy. She even told me that when we go, I'd "better be truthful with the counselor about my insecurities." So there's no doubt that the whole impetus for this push to counseling is to put me in a straitjacket. That's the problem with these f___king emotional affairs. In her mind, "She hasn't done anything wrong. We're just friends." Her and Bill Clinton would make a great pair...

Unfortunately, I'm in a position where if I say no to MC, she'll use that as evidence for me not wanting to repair the M. So yes, I agree that the best approach now is to approach MC individually, and if the counselor is any good, that's how we'll start off anyway.

On the flip side, my S is very, very, very, trusting of the opinions of professionals in general. Any MC that's worth a damn is going to blow her little boat out of the water...which might be just what we need to get us past this. Of course, I know there's a good chance that our MC will be a complete bozo, in which case I might as well wait for the lawyer to call.

I like the Dobson article...rings pretty true.

[Baltoman]

Why must we always compare women to children? Wasn't Corri just talking about this?
It's insulting.

Actually, Corri compared my behavior (at least she thought it was my behavior) to that of a rebellious child when I was playing the role of my wife in my bank account discussion. It isn't the gender that causes the comparison, it is the behavior.

[LustForLife]

It isn't the gender that causes the comparison, it is the behavior.

Ok, point taken.
But it still is insulting to the other person, whether man or woman. No one wants to be thought of as a child and I'm sure the spouse can sense when their mate is thinking such thoughts, if not outright saying it.
BF was outright saying it (or at least strongly implying it with the running with scissors comment)and that's what led to that response from Corri on my thread. Some men give off that "vibe" which can be a real turn off to Some women.

LFL

[bombardier50]

Good grief.

Get this.
Spouse just called. Said "You're on your own for dinner tonight. I asked Jeff, our dentist, if he wanted to go get some dinner. I'll be home later."

I said "OK. Fine...enjoy yourself."

Our dentist is currently going through a divorce. He's pretty well off. In my mind this is just some sort of angry revenge tactic, so I refused to play along. I just let her go.

She sure knows how to hurt a guy...

[Virtually_Handsome]

I think you are right. It's a test. Don't bite.

[Burgbud]

bombardier, what are your boundaries in your M?