heya! Nice to see you're still out there \:\)

Originally Posted By: azhira

Anyway, xh and I were having a (good) R talk, and he said he still feels guilty about xow, and that's a big part of why he doesn't want to reconcile. He asked me how to get past that. He said that he's tried a few times (I can almost pinpoint them), but he only feels worse and worse afterwards.

I didn't know what to tell him. ...


What about asking him why he feels like he has to not feel guilt about it any more, before making a relationship with you again?


["off the record" comments from me follow...]
Sounds like a feeble excuse to me. Just more stuff to through out, rather than the real issue of, "Are you doing screwing around with other women yet?"

Or, if he's actually serious about it; Maybe if he feels guilty about it, that means to him that he'd actually have to be extra nice to you because of it? And he doesnt want to do that; he wants to be "committed" to you, yet without actual deep feelings of commitment?!

What kind of person avoids someone, because they've hurt them... instead of trying to make it up to them?!?!

Not to mention.. guilt is HEALTHY, when its about appropriate things.
Feeling guilty about stealing something from a store... "helps" someone not steal again.
Feeling guilty about screwing around... should "help" them from not screwing around again.
Seems like the only reason for someone to get rid of the guilt BEFORE resuming the real relationship... is to lower the internal emotional barrier for them doing it AGAIN? ! ? !

Bottom line: There is something really whacked about him supposedly wanting to "let go of the guilt of HIS past betrayal of you, before trying a relationship with you again".
Rather than focusing on letting go of the guilt.... i think you should focus more on, "this 'requirement' doesnt make any sense; how about you let go of THAT?"

Yes, you said that he's "tried in the past". So... how about looking in more detail at what failed, why it failed... and try something different?
And/or he should see a personal or marital counsellor for suggestions?

As far as books go, there's always "the 5 languages of forgiveness"...

Last edited by Dom R; 12/17/07 08:12 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D.
Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M.
3 wonderful sons caught in the middle