Trying to Cope, but It's Too Hard

[ms ladybug]

WAS32, It would be a good idea to start your own thread so we don't "hijack" Stacys. That way we can keep track of you and your progress better too.
Does it get better? Yes.
Does it hurt like hell? Yes. The pain you feel is so real and so strong right now. Even though you've been sep for 3 mos, it probably feels like a wound was torn open again.
How old are your kids? How much do they know at this point?

We're here for you, and we're here to help. We know the pain and the journey. Some of us have been on the journey for awhile, I'm kinda a newbie myself (sep for 1mo).

Get Divorce Remedy and read it. Then, read it again. It's possible to save your marriage. Possible, not easy, not quickly, but we're in it with you and rooting for you.

[stacy22]

Dom R and ms ladybug,

Thank for the remedy and also for the advise about making our marriage work for the kids sake. I will try to say it in these words and see where it goes.

[ms ladybug]

Stacy, how are you doing?

[stacy22]

Well I wish things were better. I have some more questions. My daughter and I are coping the best way we know how to. My Husband comes by to see her, and if she crys he will yell at her. I am hurting she is hurting, and he doesn't want to deal with it. I can't keep her from crying, when she does he says things like, I'm not ever coming back, can't you get through your head I don't want this; what do you want me to do, move back in and live in the basement. I don't get it of course, and it makes me so sad, because she is sad, and then she tries to act tough when he comes over, and it's all fake. What should we do, should we tell him he needs to take some time out, and not come over for a while?

[ame0417]

Wow stacy, Im sorry.

If it were me I would ask him to give you'll space. Notihng can be solved in anger and your little girl doesn't need to hear these harsh words from her dad. In the meantime focus on you and your little one. If anything be strong in front of her. Talk to her and teach her how to deal with the pain because you are in the midst of teaching her a life lesson. Tell her you understand but both of you need to let her express herself. Tell her this is a storm and it will pass. Build you'lls strength together. Amazingly space brings people closer. He will think of you'll. ill post when i get some more time.

[stacy22]

I am not doing well at all this whole thing is killing me inside. I can't help but fall apart when I see him, he is my world along with my daughter. I really wish I could get a grip on this whole thing. I just feel totally out of control. My daughter is sad I'm sad. I had to change schools for my girl so she could be closer to me, and not miss so much. My H still feels the same and feels like he is happier than he has ever been without us. Will this ever go away. I believe in God and I am trying to put it all in his hands, and I feel like he isn't moving fast enough. My husband has been a christian for most of his life, and know is renouncing his faith along with his marriage, and only going to church because his daughter asks him too. I just want him to come home. I can't tell you how heart broken I am and how unbeliveably sad I feel for my daughter, she asks her dad everyday if he will come home, and he says, sorry I just don't want to. I'm sorry, but I'm just venting. I don't no what the hell I'm doing anymore, and this sucks, it really sucks. What should I do. I've read every book imaginable, and I can't even get him to see what I have learned about myself to make my marriage better, because he just doesn't want to. What kind of selfishness is that. What kind of person would leave his family, because he thinks he will be happier without them. I have never been unfaithfull and I love the man with all my heart, and I still love him even though he has done everything possible to make feel like crap.
Please help me get myself on track, and tell me their is hope for someone who has convinced himself that he is better off without us. I need some hope. I need some prayer and I need some words of wisdom.

[ms ladybug]

First of all...deep breath. I know your pain so well. We all do.

Now, there is hope. There is always hope. Divorce Busting is not quick, and it's not easy, and in the end, it may not be enough. But, what you will have is a peace, and an understanding that you've done everything you can to save your marriage.

Here's what I see that needs to happen now...
Your sitch is too new. Your h doesn't miss you. He doesn't have to. He sees you everyday. Are you a blubbering mess when he sees you? Not very attractive. You need to tell him that you and your daughter need some time. Could he please not come over for a couple weeks. You can forward his mail and pass along important messages, but you and your daughter need some space right now. Here's a good time to go dark.

If you need to see him. You must be happy. You must let him see that you can live without him, and live well. Try redecorating something. Make it small if you want... paint a bathroom, paint your bedroom. buy a new bedspread. He'll see rhat you are able to live and make changes without him.

One thing that helped me is to remember that you cannot believe anything they say, and only 50% of what they do. His words are hurtful right now. He is hurting. You cannot believe his words right now.

Last of all, I pray and I will pray for you.

[jnutcurl]

Stacy22,

I am a newbie here, almost one month into my separation and it seems like our situations are parellel. I actually registered on the site to see if I could help you out at all. I tried to send you a private message but it says you are over your limit. There are so many on these boards who give advice that have helped me get through this month. There is not a day that goes by that I am not faithfully reading these message boards and taking in all the information I can. You will survive. You are building your character and it is okay to hurt and cry.
Jnutcurl

[stacy22]

I appreciate all your guys help. I told my husband that we both need some space, and he said he would give it, even though he thinks I'm trying to keep him from his girl. He makes me feel like anything I do is not going to be good enough, and I am brain washing her to hate him. I do know that both my daughter and I love him a lot and we are hoping that he will see the light very soon.

I can't imagine God would want this for the both of us. I have to tell myself everyday that God put us together why would he let my H tear it apart. My H has a purpose on this earth and I am know God put us together to fullfill that purpose together. I have been trying everything to keep me from thinking that he will never return. I hope that I am doing what is right. I hope that I am not telling myself to hold on so that I can be hurt more. I think that I am scared that his will is so strong he won't see what God wants him to see, but I guess that is like saying God is not powerful enough to make him see.

I have good days and bad days. On my good days my daughter seems to have bad days, and on my bad days she seems to be strong enough to help me get through it. It sucks that I have to let my daughter see me cry and grieve my husband like I do.

We pray everyday that God would change my husbands heart, and begin to see that his family is important to him. I ask God to bring my H closer to him, and as he gets closer to him he will get closer to his family, and want to come home. I have to remind myself to have faith in what God has for us, and to have faith that he does not want and he won't let my H divorce me.

Thank you again. I need to hear there is hope, and all the things I should do to help him fall in love with me again or realize that the love never really died. I just ask that you keep encourage me to stay strong and to keep having faith that he will wantingly return.

[stacy22]

Well, I want to believe there is hope, I just don't know how to proceed with someone who doesn't want to give me any. He has made it clear that he wants to move on and he is happier than he has ever been because he doesn't have to take care of me. He doesn't have to come home, help around the house, and he has his dinners fixed for him by the people he lives with. He has stated that it's nice to be able to take care of himself and not worry about anyone else. He can go where ever he wants to and not worry about us, but than he commented he did that anyway, but it is just different now.

His brothers and father tried to talk to him after christmas and tried to talk to him about his choices, and how it is affecting everyone not just him. They told him that he is being very selfish. They tried to tell him no matter what he does they are going to stand by my side to help me out, because he is not doing what he had promised to do with his family.

I told them that it was probably not a good idea, because he had made statements that he did not care what they thought and understood that they were not happy with him. I think that he is seeing this girl he told me he stopped talking to. He left several times to talk to someone in his pickup in the cold and was very secretive about it.

I asked him again if he was seeing someone, and he told me it was none of my business and he was not going to tell me. I told him that out of respect for our marriage that I had the right to know, and that he still is married to me whether he thinks so or not. I believe that we made a convenant with God and that is stronger than any contract. I am praying daily that God will get a hold of him and he will get back to his roots, which is his walk with God.

I am heart broken I want him to come home and want me again, to love me again, and to give me a chance to make our marriage work. I know I can't change his decisions, but I have to believe that God is bigger than the both of us, and that he does not want us to divorce. I have decided if he files, I won't sign the papers. I have decided to move his stuff out and put them into boxes, and let him know that he can not come to our house whenever he feels like it. I told him that I would finish our basement on my own, and that I do not want him to think he is responsible for doing it. I told him that I want him to discover where he wants to be, and he has made the choice to not be responsible for us, therefore, I will take over for me and my girl.

I told him that when he falls, I will be their because I love him. I told him when he is hurting I will be there. I told him that when he discovers that his happiness won't be discovered elsewhere I will be there. I don't know what I am doing, I feel very lost without him, but I know that I have to take it day by day and try to get myself together without him. He has decided he is to good for me and that I do not deserve any respect. I don't want him to come home until he thinks that he can treat me better, and wants the same thing I want.

This whole things is so scarey, because he doesn't seem to care, and I have never been without him. I have been married to the man since I was a Junior in HS, and I am a police officer who see's this crap happen every day. I don't want to battle over my kid and I don't want people in and out of her life, and I don't want to see him with others, it will kill me.

This is not fair, and he is making choices without considering anyone but himself. I hope that he someday will hurt like I am hurting and he gets his heart stomped on. I hope that he will hit rock bottom so that he sees that what he had was pretty darn good, and a piece of butt was really not worth it all. I would never wish this pain on anyone, but he has never experienced the kind of pain he has inflicted on me. I hope my God is a just God, and because he is turning away from him also God will show him what he needs to see. I am just praying for strength to get through for me and my girl.

Please send me some hope and answer my blog, because I am needing help... I try to read as much as possible, but I don't know how to get him back. I want my husband back, but I do not want this person he wants to be rite now.