W and I spoke on Sunday night after the kids were in bed. Now that the affair is public, she thinks there is no way our marriage could ever survive. She also feels that she needs to get a divorce soon after the holidays as she does not like having the kids living with just one parent (me) and not knowing what their future is. She also says that her falling out of love with me happened before the affair. I told her that I understand and that the affair is just a symptom of a problem in our marriage. She said she does not know her future with the OM and that if it does not work out that she may pick up another man. She once again said that she is a selfish B and that I am such a good person.
I expressed to her that many marriages have survived affair. If she wants to come back, I personally could forgive her affair and would focus on the present and look to the future instead of dwelling on the past. I told her it would take time, but when I reach the point of forgiving her that I would feel proud of myself. She says that because others know of her affair that she would never be able to face them again as she will always think they hate her in their minds. I told her that people would never forget, but given time they would forgive. If our marriage were to survive her affair, I believe they would look at her in a new light as having the courage and strength to make it work. Anyone that could not forgive is not worth worry about how they feel towards you.
She said in her recent talk with her mother that her mother can just tell that she is having an affair and that their relationship seems forever over. Once again she indicated that she wished her brother would have problems in his marriage so that her mother would not look at her as the bad daughter. I know that her mother can also forgive with time, but if my W ends this marriage, it will surely make that time much greater. It makes me sad that her mother is not being supportive of her.
I also needed to have her understand my biggest worry. That getting a divorce will mean the kids will live primarily with only one of us just like right now. The one of us that does not have custody of the kids will not like that. It may be her or it may be me. I was honest with her and told her that I really don't know which of us is going to get custody. I said that if I knew 100% that it would be me getting custody, I would probably accept getting a divorce now. I so very much want to be with my kids every day as they grow and that I understand that she has the same desires. I told her that our kids have expressed that they want to live with both of us when I have talked to them about the consequence of a divorce.
During my talk about this, she was hostile at first saying that I sounded like I was threatening and that she is going to get the best lawyer to fight for her kids. Towards the end, I made her understand that I am just trying to have her see it from both perspectives. One of us will not have custody and will be deeply hurt. I also tried to make her understand that lawyers are not much used in determining custody, but instead a counselor (mediator) determines what is in the best interest of the children and makes a recommendation to a judge. She did get a bit irrationally and just said "fine, then you take the kids".
The main thing I asked of her is that she please give our marriage more time before filing for divorce. I told her that most affairs burn out on average in 6 months and that she needs to be absolutely sure of what she wants and the consequences of a divorce. She keeps thinking that kids are resilient and would have no problem with a divorce. I don't think she realizes the financial impact on our lives a divorce would inflict if she does not end up living with OM.
I told her that even though I am lonely for love, that I am committed to wait up to a year before giving up. Our family is just too important for me to quit. I did a little bit of breaking of Dbing in that I mentioned that men like myself can change when given a chance and some time. I told her that I know she will continue with her affair and that I don't really care right that much now that she is with another man. I don't want to know about him, but unfortunately I will hear it from my kids. I let her know I don't condone the affair, but I cannot stop it as it is like a drug addiction to her right now.
As for myself, I will continue on with the holidays and my trip with my kids to Mexico. The day to day interactions with W are friendly and I strive to keep them that way, as if we do get divorced, it does not help to not be civil with one another. I know that there is a good person buried somewhere deep in my W and that there exists a chance that she may salvage that person. She said she is ok with me writing down my thoughts in a letter and I think I will suggest she might want to call my mother, who also had an affair. She will have a much better supporting talk from my mother than from her own mother right now.
I found a good book called "NOT 'Just Friends': Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity" by Shirley Glass. I will keep it in mind as something to read if my W wants to come back.
My attitude will be to assume the worst and work hard to not focus on the things that could have been, but rather focus on things that WILL BE. Just keep reminding myself... "this will pass... and things will end up in a better place". If I have time, it is going to play into my favor. Stay calm and rational and don't panic about even my worse fears.
