LFL, I don't know about the whole "wait for it to burn out" idea. Because of my own ignorance and denial, I've been putting up with this EA for almost two years. It didn't look to me like it was going to run its course anytime soon. And my big fear was that as soon as this one ran its course, she'd start another one. So, the bottom line, I think, was that something needed to be done. Even my DB coach suggested confronting both my spouse and the OM.
Originally, all I told both her and the OM was that I was really uncomfortable with the relationship. That's it. Since then, she has consistently confronted me over my feelings. Like last night. I was just sitting on the couch reading a book, and she decided to instigate and push the issue...hard. This tells me that SHE has some doubts over her behavior and is testing me to see if I'll stand up for myself. If she decides to seek revenge later, then she's got some problems that she needs to take to a therapist.
I guess where I gained some strength for my approach is listening to the women on this board who have had affairs. They will tell you that they needed their man to stand up for themselves.
My DB coach told me that doing nothing and trying to ride it out will do nothing more than show approval for and perpetuate hurtful and intolerable behavior. Her suggestion was to "soft-pedal" my disapproval, which is how I started. But she also warned me that no matter what I did, I was going to induce a lot of chaos in the system, and you can't really predict how things will fall out. Ain't life grand...
But I'm also perfectly aware of the DB caution that two people can argue that they're "right" all the way to divorce court...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
I guess I would like some input from all you brilliant people on what I should expect and how I should handle things when I get home this evening. She's had the entire day off to stew about last night. Knowing my spouse unit, she's going to be in one of three states: 1) Really pissed and non-communicative 2) Act like everything's OK 3) Confrontational
I guess there's even a fourth option. She may have decided to walk out the door and stay somewhere else. I don't know. I guess that would simplify my strategy a bit, huh?
Those of you who've experienced this sort of thing, what should I expect? How should I handle things?
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Sounds to me like your W is acting like a naughty child. She got caught with her hand in the cookie jar and even though you saw it she is denying it. Children need boundaries. Ultimately they make them feel more secure even if they strain against them some times. If they don't have them they get wild and out of hand but not happy.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
We can't know what she is going to do. Go home intending to be fair but firm. know what's important to you and be consistent. Keep calm if you can. Remember to breathe.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
This is a double edged sword. Exposing the A to all will definitely help maintain your pride and "one up" status but I don't see the results being as positive for the M. Most M do not make it through this exposure and any woman with pride of her own is not going to just role over and say "ya got me, let's work to make this M better than ever". Ideally, yes, realistically, no way. In fact, she may say that at the beginning ( I think that happened in Choc's case), but a long term solution? I just don't know. I think that's why MWD's Divorce Busting approach is so different. The goal is maintenance of the M over exposing the A probably because A's tend to run their course anyways, why lay down a law that you can never maintain yourself anyways. You cannot make people do anything they don't want to do. If she wants to have the A she will. If she wants to work on the M, she will. All you can do is be as loving and attractive to her as possible. The irony is that you "laying down the law" can be very attractive to her in the beginning but she will probably rebel down the road and resent the very thing that got you back together. I wish I had some magical advice but there is no one right way to do this. You know your W better than anyone. Will she resent you down the line if you expose her? Just something to think about. Sorry for the pain you are going through.
LFL
I disagree, LFL. What would cause an A between two married people to stop? Think of it as bodies moving through space without resistance ... they'll only change direction if hit by an outside force.
An A between a married person and a single OP may change - by having the married person leave when the SOP is pushing for change, or the married person may realize he/she actually wants to remain married and the stress of the A through SOP's pushing becomes too great, so the married person ends it (or the SOP realizes it won't go anywhere and ends it. You get what I mean.)
But an A between two married people, who are both happy as cake-eaters? Can go on for decades.
I actually agree with you that exposing to all and sundry is a bad idea long-term, because I'm a private person and I'd have a hard time with having my personal life exposed in any way, shape or form to parents, friends, work colleagues etc, not just about an A. I doubt I could forgive my spouse for doing so, and I doubt my marriage could recover. I know NOP wouldn't agree but that's my personal conviction anyways.
But OM has to know that you know the score, and OM's wife has to, because they are directly concerned, all the more so if OM was a friend. OM's wife deserves to know so she can make an informed decision about her future, and to up the pressure on the OM-body-moving-through-space-without-resistance.
To sum it up, bombardier, I think you're doing really well. Hang in there.
I might suggest that you read this article from Dr. Dobson about the critical reaction of the left behind spouse. He says that the reaction of the left behind spouse in affairs is going to determine the results.
I disagree, LFL. What would cause an A between two married people to stop? Think of it as bodies moving through space without resistance ... they'll only change direction if hit by an outside force.
An A between a married person and a single OP may change - by having the married person leave when the SOP is pushing for change, or the married person may realize he/she actually wants to remain married and the stress of the A through SOP's pushing becomes too great, so the married person ends it (or the SOP realizes it won't go anywhere and ends it. You get what I mean.)
But an A between two married people, who are both happy as cake-eaters? Can go on for decades.
I actually agree with you that exposing to all and sundry is a bad idea long-term, because I'm a private person and I'd have a hard time with having my personal life exposed in any way, shape or form to parents, friends, work colleagues etc, not just about an A. I doubt I could forgive my spouse for doing so, and I doubt my marriage could recover. I know NOP wouldn't agree but that's my personal conviction anyways.
But OM has to know that you know the score, and OM's wife has to, because they are directly concerned, all the more so if OM was a friend. OM's wife deserves to know so she can make an informed decision about her future, and to up the pressure on the OM-body-moving-through-space-without-resistance.
I can understand telling the OM and the wife of OM, but I don't really get the point of exposing to people like parents, co-workers, etc, at least not in the case of attempting to mend the M. Sounds like we can agree there. I would view that as a personal marital issue and exposing to others outside that circle would just appear vindictive. You are right about two M people liking the A arrangement "as is", it could go on a long time. So I can agree with the betrayed spouse attempting to put a stop to their secrecy. But does that fix the problem? Heck no. All I'm saying is that the betrayed spouse needs to be prepared and probably expect the cheating spouse to rebel against this exposure and maybe leave. I just wouldn't "go there" unless you are ready for those consequences.
she decided to instigate and push the issue...hard. This tells me that SHE has some doubts over her behavior and is testing me to see if I'll stand up for myself.
Maybe...probably. And you should stand up for yourself. Any woman will respect that. But just be careful you don't burn more bridges than you have to.
Sounds to me like your W is acting like a naughty child. She got caught with her hand in the cookie jar and even though you saw it she is denying it. Children need boundaries. Ultimately they make them feel more secure even if they strain against them some times. If they don't have them they get wild and out of hand but not happy.
Why must we always compare women to children? Wasn't Corri just talking about this? It's insulting. She is a grown woman who is making choices in her life. She doesn't need the paternal smackdown to "keep her in line." She needs to figure out her own mess as any adult would/should. The funny thing is I don't see us pushing women to take such a severe exposure approach with cheating men. We wouldn't want to shame them, make them feel less masculine. A man who stays with this woman is just pusssy whipped. No? This wasn't a direct response to you Saffie, just thinking and writing in general.
