Friday night we went to my sisters rehersal dinner. I am so excited for her. She was so happy. I've never seen her that happy and it was just awesome. H helped me quite a bit with the baby (D3 was a flower girl). I was a little worried how he'd handle it, but he did ok. Nice night, had a great dinner with all the families. Went home, got everything ready for the wedding and cleaned up a bit. tried to look for the meteor shower at 2am, but didn't see a thing.
Saturday. little one woke up early, so i got up. gave baths and got the girls dressed up and beautiful. Woke H up, so i could shower and get ready. H was debating going with me early cause he didn't want to get ready yet, but i talked him into it. got to the wedding, took pictures, did the whole prewedding thing with the girls. The ceremony was beautiful. They had an awesome pastor doing the service. I cried. Patrially cause she's my baby sister and partially cause i was reminded how much those vows meant to me when i said them and how i'm willing to do whatever i need to in order to make them last, to make our M last.
the pastor said lots of things during the wedding, but one of the things that just hit me was when he read 1 Corinthians 13: 4-7. Some may know if for those who don't "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I just kept hearing that over and over in my head. I try not to throw things back at him that he has done, sometimes i don't do a great job of that, but i'm pretty good. Thing is, i'm still holding on to it inside. So, basically i've decided that he has a clean slate. That's the only way I can do this. I keep getting scared when he says or does something that is like he used to, but I was thinking that if i wasn't holding on to the old stuff, it probably wouldn't bother me so much. I know that i don't have the same from him, but I can't wait for him to do something. I have to do what's right for me. Maybe eventually he can at least forgive me.
Rest of the wedding was lovely. H actually danced with me a couple times other than the obligatory wedding party dance. He took a ton of pics and we made a cd for my S and BIL to take w/ them to Hawaii. That was sweet of him. late that night, H asked lots of "do you regret marrying me?" and "you seemed so happy, i wish it was cause you wanted to be with me" and i did a LOT of reassuring him. I had a killer headache (have had it for over a week) when we went to bed, was going to initiate sex, but asked H to rub my temples for a minute, put me right to sleep. i apologized in the morning cause i didn't even say goodnight. He said it was ok. he understood. He wished I hadn't, but he knew i had a headache. (kinda used that tone he gets, but I ignored it )
Sunday, went to sisters to watch them open gifts (family tradition) and said goodbye, wished them well. Went home, girls took naps, we got out the Christmas decor and put up the tree. pretty quiet night. H went out and got me one of my most fav snacks while he was out. That was really sweet. i think the wedding had an affect on him too cause he was pretty nice this weekend. no craziness really at all. I used to lay right next to him and lay my head on his chest. Haven't really felt comfortable doing it lately (seems really intimate, seems weird right now). I did that last night and fell asleep. I know that he probably wanted sex, but he seemed happy to have me back just laying beside him, so he didn't mention it this morning.
Overall... great weekend. I think that giving him a clean slate will take work, but i know that's the only way that i can really move forward.
ann
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
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