Still hopeful for some pleasant surprises

[smith18]

Sir -

Of all the threads I have read here, yours is the one that tears me up the most. You, just as myself, are a good husband and father that has nothing but good intentions. You and I both know that our marriages can be saved, but for that to happen, our wives need to have an awakening at what they are doing to their family and finances.

The difference in our situation is that you moved out and I stayed with my kids while my W moved out. I feel that I am in a good position now and that my W is feeling some misery. My W moving out has also established for me some legal leverage for custody of my kids if my W ever files for D.

I can understand why you moved out and you cant go back in time and change that decision. However, you should definitely try your option #2 where you move back. Dont give her the option of choosing - it is your house too and you are the one paying for it. Once you can get back in, and she does not like it, she should be the one to leave. I know it could get ugly, but I think you need to be real firm and make a stand for yourself.

Strength and Honor - Strong to do the right thing even if it hurts YOU and Honor to ALWAYS do the right thing EVERY time.

BTW... I started reading what appears to be an excellent book called "Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men" by Wayne Levine. You might find this one interesting too.

[Dom R]

Heh.. I checked that book out on amazon... then followed a reference to a different book, "Men are easy".

Saw the following "amusing" blog by the book author:

Doubts? Ask a man. The vast majority will pause, nod, and then say, "Yeah. I'm easy."

Ask any woman who has been married for 20 or 30 years and chances are that she'll say her man's easy.

If a man has committed to a life with you and if you have yourself together, then he's easy. When you don't have yourself in order, then life's full of problems and he's the biggest one.

[C_K]

Hi Just read through this thread and want to say hello.

The only advice I can realy give is not to let fear stop you from doing the right thing.

Dave

[SirPrizeMe]

Hey Dave, that's good encouragement, but... in practice, what does it mean?

[SirPrizeMe]

KerryK, thanks for the support and encouragement.

However, you should definitely try your option #2 where you move back. Dont give her the option of choosing - it is your house too and you are the one paying for it.

Really? Move back in? That's pretty provocative.
Ya think that will work to DB ?

[smith18]

Sir -

I dont know if that would set you back, but it sure sounds like you are being used right now by your W. Ask yourself if moving back will make "YOU" fee better about yourself. That is what matters.

[Baltoman]

Really? Move back in? That's pretty provocative.
Ya think that will work to DB ?

It is provocative. There is no doubt about that. It is also provocative to tell you that you need explicit permission to enter the house that you are paying for. I know you want to be amicable regardless of the outcome but you are putting yourself in a difficult position legally and financially while she gets to have her cake and eat it too. I'm going to say this in an intentionally provocative way myself and hope you do not get offended. You are financing her affair.

[Trixi]

When I walked out the door I said - we have to sell this house. The next day she called and asked me to go to MC. I agreed not to force the sale of the house on that condition. We got off to a slow start - she delayed selecting a counselor, she delayed on choosing a date. Finally the day came. I reacted emotionally in the first session. She never went back. 2 weeks later she advised me she was filing for divorce. 2 weeks after that I received the papers. Now (1 week later) I am again telling her we need to sell the house. Again she is delaying.

and then

In some small ways I see glimmers of hope. She invited me to a family dinner the other night. First time in 2 months we ate together. She pointed out that she hasn't had a drink in 2 weeks (I hadn't asked).

I think she is manipulating you. When you get strong and firm with her (atom bomb like) she all of a sudden wants to do MC. You back off of your stance and then she isn't interested in MC. You start talking about getting a condo and needing to sell, and now she "isn't drinking" and is inviting you to dinner.

I hope I am wrong; I hope that she will continue to make baby steps towards you--but from out here (with admitedly very limited information) it appears that when you actually start to threaten to take away the gravy train, she does *just* enough to get you to back off.

It seems to me that a really rude wake up call is what is in order. Not a soft nudging of what is coming down the pike, but a LOAD banging and clanging of what is happening this SECOND. If she has learned that the promise of MC and a family dinner will keep you at bay, she won't really "worry" about the slow train that is coming towards her, because thus far, she can make the train stop in it's tracks.

[SirPrizeMe]

Trixi, Balto, Kerry; you all have a clarity of perception here, that comes from being removed from the situation. Thank yo for everything.

You said I am financing the affair. You're right! How dumb can I be? I have no way of knowing if the affair continues, and at this point I guess it's not my business. But regardless, I am financing her, and her behavior, for the time being, I see that. Don't forget my kids still live in that house, so I cannot simply stop payment on the mortgage. It's not so simple. I am encouraging her to sell the house. I am encouraging her to find an alternative place to live. She's very stressed about it. Good, I say. At the same time I am finding my own place.

I heard from a friend, who still speaks with the OM, that OM had a big day the other day - two DUI arrests in a single day. This is her "soulmate." Lovely.

I spoke with W last night. It did not go well. Our house in our hometown is still on the market - 16 months+. Someone approached us with an interest in renting the place. I just walked through the house (visit to hometown) and I still love the place. It's the same cost as a place I would rent in my new town, but it's sooooo much better. And close to my siblings and support system. And lower cost of living. When we moved, 16 months ago, the plan was we were going to pull together as a family. Now that my family is disintegrating, I'd like to move back. Family is still important to me, including extended family.

W thinks I am "irrational," "not thinking this through," "angry," etc. In other words, the exact opposite of validating of my ideas, feelings and so on. Angry? I wasn't raising my voice at all. It just makes no sense. I didn't argue with her about any this, not defensive at all, but I told her my thinking. Told her my mind is not made up, but I would like to consider longer. She rejected that too.

She also appears to think I don't want my kids, or that she will retain full custody and I will accept "visitation" Oh! NO WAY. (I spent the weekend visiting my friend and his family, in his house. Dinner at the table, playing games right next to the Christmas tree, dancing in the kitchen. I'll tell you that was the best time I had in a long long time! They are beautiful kids, and it makes me miss mine sooo much. )
W thinks that she won't have to work, and I will finance her forever, because she is the "primary caregiver."

I can only shake my head.

Meantime the financial mess is getting deeper and deeper.

In some ways I feel like this is a disaster. In other ways I feel like all of this is a trial we need to go through, in order to clarify the situation for everyone. She needs to be aware that I will fight for my kids, that I will not roll over and ascent to her every wish, like her wish for me to disappear or relinquish my rights to my children. She needs to learn that she will need an income, that I will not finance her any longer in case of a divorce. So in some ways the ongoing progress of this disaster is a welcome development.

I hope to speak to my attorney today.
I will call my pastor, too.

[Baltoman]

You said I am financing the affair. You're right! How dumb can I be? I have no way of knowing if the affair continues, and at this point I guess it's not my business. But regardless, I am financing her, and her behavior, for the time being, I see that.

You are not dumb. You are conflicted, hurt, and confused. No shame in that. It would be a shame if you were not. Also, it most certainly is your business as to whether the affair continues. You are married. She is modeling behavior for the children that you disapprove of.

Don't forget my kids still live in that house, so I cannot simply stop payment on the mortgage. It's not so simple. I am encouraging her to sell the house. I am encouraging her to find an alternative place to live. She's very stressed about it. Good, I say. At the same time I am finding my own place.

I cannot speak for everyone but I don't think anyone is suggesting that you not pay for the mortgage. I was suggesting simply that you want to be married and you want to live in your house so let her be the one that needs upheaval if she wants to pursue this R with the OM. You do not have to be nasty. In fact I think you should be "lovingly detached". It is your house as well so I think if you want to live here that you should. It is more difficult because you have already moved out but the attitude should be (IMHO):

"Honey, I need to move back into our house by Friday. I want to be close to you and the kids and it is becoming too difficult financially to maintain separate households. I will understand if you feel the need to move out, but I would like you to stay so we can work on our marriage."

If you are able to move back, then she will begin to see the real costs of her R with OM. It will be very trying financially if she moves out. She will most likely need to get a job. It will cause her to not see the kids as much. It would put the R in a totally different light (although it may take her time to see it).

All this being said, I would wait until after the holidays for the children's sake.