You were all right...unfortunately...

[bombardier50]

So...here's the latest in this continuing train wreck.

After she stormed out of the house yesterday because I confronted the OM, she came home from work early and was all meek and mild. I greeted her warmly and settled on the couch to read a book and let her unwind. Shortly thereafter she joined me on the couch, obviously wanting to talk.

She begins by telling me that she can't help me with my "insecurities." Again with that...I thought.

Me: "I'm sorry you feel that fighting to keep my marriage intact is insecurity."

Her: "So you're saying I can't have friends."

Me: "No. I'm saying that your friendships must respect our relationship. Friendships that damage our relationship and drive us apart are not friendships. And this is what your friendship with him is doing. It's crossed the line."

Her: Various stories of how I've hurt her in the past, the majority of which I can't remember...blah,blah,blah.

Me: "I'm eager to go to counseling to find out how we went of the tracks, but first, I need you to acknowledge that this has become more than just friends."

Her: More with the "insecurities." Then she mentioned how when I was gone last week she really enjoyed the quiet time in the house and how, sadly, she didn't really miss me.

Important note: The OM was gone last week two. So she had a really quiet time.

Me: "Well, I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me ask you this, and tell me honestly. Did you miss him?"

Her: Vesuvius erupts. "WHAT THE HELL KIND OF QUESTION WAS THAT?!?!? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ASKED THAT!?!? I DON'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE RIGHT NOW. I don't know what to do...." (Tears).

Me: Glaring at her.

Please note how she didn't answer the question.

So, that pretty much ended the conversation. I maintained a composed, cheerful attitude the rest of the evening and went to bed a little early to give her some quiet time to think.

To steal a Bob Dylan line, "It's gettin' dark, Too dark to see."

It's gonna be a rough ride folks....

[saffie]

bombardier - does OM's W know yet?

[RealJourney]

Her: Various stories of how I've hurt her in the past, the majority of which I can't remember...blah,blah,blah.

Me: "I'm eager to go to counseling to find out how we went of the tracks, but first, I need you to acknowledge that this has become more than just friends."

I like this response. It shows a combination of firmness and empathy. Your W is hurting, you'd like her to get to the heart of that pain, but not enable the wacky, out of control behavior that's covering the pain. That's compassion wiht a detached lens. That's where you want to be.

[LustForLife]

This is a double edged sword. Exposing the A to all will definitely help maintain your pride and "one up" status but I don't see the results being as positive for the M. Most M do not make it through this exposure and any woman with pride of her own is not going to just role over and say "ya got me, let's work to make this M better than ever". Ideally, yes, realistically, no way. In fact, she may say that at the beginning ( I think that happened in Choc's case), but a long term solution? I just don't know. I think that's why MWD's Divorce Busting approach is so different. The goal is maintenance of the M over exposing the A probably because A's tend to run their course anyways, why lay down a law that you can never maintain yourself anyways. You cannot make people do anything they don't want to do. If she wants to have the A she will. If she wants to work on the M, she will. All you can do is be as loving and attractive to her as possible. The irony is that you "laying down the law" can be very attractive to her in the beginning but she will probably rebel down the road and resent the very thing that got you back together. I wish I had some magical advice but there is no one right way to do this. You know your W better than anyone. Will she resent you down the line if you expose her? Just something to think about.
Sorry for the pain you are going through.

LFL

[bombardier50]

Thanks Realjourney.

Saffie, the OM's wife knows I am uncomfortable with this. I haven't heard anything from her. I'm not surprised by this. She's a real ice princess.

[saffie]

I just wondered if OM was trying to hide it.

How are you feeling? You seem to be doing all the right things. It's not going to be easy for your W to face what she has done and at the same time she is going to feel rejected by OM. You will be the kicking post as she knows you best. Just hang in there. You are doing well.

[bombardier50]

Thanks Saffie, hanging in there I guess. Actually, I'm feeling pretty low, doubting if I did the right thing, wondering if I would have been better off just riding this out. I don't know. What's done is done, I guess.

[saffie]

If the only people who know are OM, his w and your W then it is still contained. It will take a while to ride out.

I am sorry you are low. This time of year is especially hard. Have you got many family things arranged over Christmas? Will your W just put a front on for those things?

Did you speak to OM? If so what was he like? Did he indicate what he was going to do?

[sat567]

I think you're doing fine, bomber. Nice that you had a chance to use the "insecurity" line on her. Likely that she didn't really "hear" it, so be prepared to have to repeat it.

I think the computer monitoring software is a good idea.

Also...why are YOU looking for apartments? She's the one who needs to be moving, if anyone has to move.

Keep up the good work.

Hairdog

[Dom R]

Me: "I'm eager to go to counseling to find out how we went of the tracks, but first, I need you to acknowledge that this has become more than just friends."

I think this is a huge mistake on your part.
I think that if she is truely willing to go to counselling, and truely WORK ON your marriage... that you should go.

Some people will fight tooth and nail to avoid admitting that what they are doing/have done is wrong.
If your wife is like that... you would be passing up on an opportunity to save your marriage, all for the sake of "scoring a point against her".

I completely understand where your feelings are, about wanting her to admit what she is doing is wrong, believe me.
Trouble is, your fight over that point, may degrade positive feelings between you, to where she becomes no longer willing to try counselling, and actually work at it.

Making that point isnt worth it in the larger picture, IMO.