I thought you'd like to know that I went to Al-anon yesterday. So you're nagging paid off! And thanks for the link, I've not had time to read throught it yet but I will.
I told H and the kids that I was going to an advent service at church. When I got back the kids were tucked up and asleep so I told H where I'd really been. He took it as a blow to himself of course. I explained it was for me, that the people there don't sit around moaning about their wives or husbands or mothers or fathers drinking and making it into a big pity party. They just support each other in helping themselves. He then proceeded to list all of the stuff he'd been up to that day, turning it into stuff he'd been doing "to support me". Finishing off with "so I've been doing all this stuff for you and you've been doing stuff for you".
We were sitting on the sofa and facing each other, I was holding his hand. So the tone of the conversation was very gentle, no confrontation. I asked him what he'd been doing for him. This is something I told him last week, that he has to make sure he does something for him every day. He said "I've been having lunch". (Woah!) I just nodded. Then I said we each have the responsibility to make sure our own tanks don't get depleted then we can focus on all the other things we have to do. He said "is that what you were doing today?" and I said yes.
Later on after we'd finished cleaning the kitchen together I gave him a hug. The temptation was very strong for me to say "I'm doing this as a last attempt to do something for us and not get divorced" but I stopped myself. I actually recognised that to say something like that would be to attempt to rescue him from his pain (pats self on back). It is what it is and he has to learn to deal with that by himself.
Tonight I will be out at the office Xmas party. I had several more rescuing thoughts before 9.00 am today regarding him picking the kids up and taking care of them, but I stopped them in their tracks.
(((Lil))) Thanks
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
