Love, PAIN and the whole crazy thing!

[mcol]

Greetings friends. In the interest of bringing you into my sitch with the least amount of difficulty I am including the sitch I started with in the infidelity string and the sitch I ended with once I actually talked to my W (novel concept)about my concerns, oh by the way my SIL, MIL and BIL were all under the same understanding as I was...I believe we were the victims of our own perceptions...there are more issues with W and her family but here is the summation

ORIGINAL SITCH:

Good morning all...this is my first post. Those of you who are Keith Urban fans will recognize my title which pays some service to my current situation. Here is the my sich:
M:34
W:33
S:8
D:3
S:18mos

I am an Army officer currently serving in Afghanistan. Two months prior to deploying my wife lost her father in a tragic truck accident. If I have read Michelle's book right (I owe myself a second read), she meets the following criteria: Depressed, WAW, EA possible PA but unconfirmed.

Things had been going great up until about a month ago. I have submitted my resignation paperwork, after much pleading (problem #1)from W. I have enjoyed my time in the service but the Army I joined is not the Army of today and my family is seriously at risk. The Army used to make fun of families saying, "If the Army wanted you to have a family they would have issued you one", our leaders pay lip service to the family but mission comes first and our missions completely leave families in the cold because we have to leave. My wife sent me a letter of concern (not dear jon because she is still around) basically saying that I needed to make my decision taking into consideration that she may not be in my life. WTF?? No idea things had gotten this way. Turns out that she has been talking to many new friends she met online and they all encouraged her not to say how she was feeling. The only reason why she told me was that I submitted my paperwork partially for her, and she wanted me to be sure of my motives.

Needless to say I was severely irate, blindsided and all the other appropriate emotions you can imagine. I had come home for my midtour about 4 weeks prior to the letter and while I noticed a difference in her actions/attitude I attributed this to the grief over her loss.

Skip forward 4 weeks from the letter and I have returned to the US to attend some conferences. I did not know about the EA/possible PA until now. Ha ha...blindsided yet again. She has told everyone that she does not want us discussing her when she is not around. I tried to respect this until my SIL was able to tell me all about Divorce Remedy and what my W was doing.

My biggest problem is that this OM jackass has moved in to fill the emotional void I could not fill due to my deployment. Sadly, I will not return for good for another 3 months, I am scared that a PA will be solidified in my absence (projecting yes but how can't I) and things will be further toward D for her.

My S,D,S are also suffering immensely. My W anger over her losing her father and me has caused to not want to be "a wife, a mother". Thankfully my MIL, SIL and BIL are all scratching their heads like me.

My W is not out of reach. She and I have had time to be alone while I have been around, however, she has this dead look in her eyes as though she has given up.

I am against a wall due to this damn deployment and am trying not to grasp. I thank God for my SIL who succesfully employed the techniques after her H had a PA. They have come through their situation and I pray for the same resolution.

Reading online helps to know that I am not alone, however, I wake up in the middle of the night almost physically ill because of the sich. This sucks!! I want more than anything to hold her and be there for her because she needs me but I know that I cannot give her that right now. Kids are my #1 priority right now and I am getting lots of support from both families since I am gone. When I get out, I will move to where my kids and wife are to be close to them and be very much involved in my kids lives, just wish I did not have to rekindle my marriage while trying to make up for being gone.

Whew!!! That was the second time I typed this. The first time I felt too immature to post. Now having read Michelle's book I feel more able to express what is going on and able to interact with all advice...please help.



NEW SITCH:

Ok...once again get some snacks and have a seat. As Desi Arnes would say "Lucy, you got some splainin to do". I feel like I just had my own personal Cuban missile crisis.

Spoke to W for three hours last night...amazing what a little much needed communication can do to a relationship

Since receiving her letter with all of the things that most rational people would indicate an affair as per DR and seeing that my W wanted to backdate our separation to the day after I deployed, that she had seen an attorney and I suspected a PA with someone she met online about the same time I got her letter of concern I assumed the worst and took steps to protect my affairs and interests (moved $2500 out of our checking account and cancelled powers of attorney). Reaction was based on fear, anger, suspicion.

W was extremely hurt and angry over what she viewed as a knee jerk reaction to a simple meeting with an attorney and her family's interpretation to this relationship with her friend whom I thought was the OM. In the early part of our conversation she said that my actions had "put her on notice" and that she was likely more apt to pursue legal action faster because I took the money (my money) before talking to her and finding out if she had needs for the money or if my kids had needs.

She did not understand why everyone in her family was reacting to alleged OM. I told her that her meeting a new guy that no one knows in and around the same time she started telling me that she was not content in our R and that she wanted to separate sent red flags up all over the place.

The error I made in this whole situation was to not talk/confront W prior to making assumptions based on perceptions I had from over her in Afghanistan and hearing things from her family about what they were seeing daily.

My M has always been based on honesty and love and I feel sort of like an idiot but honestly feel and still feel that given the same information and timeline I likely would have taken the same course of action. Everyone I have talked to and explained the sitch to said they would have done the same thing that I did.

So the bottom line is that I confronted W about a possible affair and she explained the extent of her R with this OM which I believe.

That does not mean that my R is not in trouble. The last 6-10 months, W has been talking to everyone under the sun about her feelings in our R except for me. We could have avoided most of this situation if she would have not listened to everyone else and talked to me, her H and the one who swore to God to love her more than anyone else on the earth.

Although still very upset by the circumstances, not to mention the position she is in with her family I firmly believe we made a large step forward in our R. However, we are far from safe. I will endeavor not to smother her with my communication but knowing that she is hurting right now I know that this is a prime opportunity for me to be there for her and rekindle our R that was derailed by some really sh$tty communication and total misinterpretation to a series of indicators.

So friends, while I do not feel like I have wasted my time at all in this forum or reading all of your experiences and hearing what you have had to say, I have learned a great deal about what happens when two people who love each other don't talk or explain our feelings.

I told her that I was sorry for the perceptions and assumptions that I made and I will continue to attempt to help her understand how she could have influenced the course of events and insist she take responsibility for lack of communicating with me. She has to understand how her actions oriented around the associated timeline and correspondence affected me and my actions.

Please see my new string in piecing our marriage back together. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you have helped me to understand. The validating and assumption of responsibility with things in this relationship are things that I will take away into my new R with my W. With God's help my R will fulfill the lifelong goal I have had...growing old with my W and enjoying our time together as H and W.