Need to do some writing to get some thoughts and ideas out. Seems to help to write out the why’s and what’s and gives me something to reflect upon.
So W seems to say that she wants to work on things, but doesn’t take any steps in that direction. Laid out the plan to first deal with her depression, then MC for us with Retro, and then move in, etc. W has made no move towards doing anything. Keeps clubbing, ignoring her problems and leaves our S with me more and more.
Money: W would have never been “looking back” if she got a huge amount of alimony and child support at the temporary hearing. But I do question this as well since she said she wanted to cancel the night prior to the hearing. I used to think women doing those type of things were gold diggers, but I know my paradigm has changed after reading His Needs, Her Needs, and seeing how financial security is important to a women. But like I said if W would have gotten the money without me attached to it, she would have been gone for sure. So this is defiantly an issue I have to think through. Is it gold digging or is it seeking financial security? I think those are different things, one I can understand, one I can not.
Depression?: Next, W is going through something bad. Some type of MLC or depression, maybe something else, but her mind is wrecked right now. Is this something she can fix? If so, how long would that take? If it is a life long thing, do I want to deal with that forever? No, I can’t and won’t. I will not spend my life caring for an emotionally distraught wrecked person that uses others. If it is fixable, it will take time, M or not we can always reconcile, but part of the healing I’m sure would require me to be there. Not sure how that plays out. So I have to decide if I want to go through that.
The Affair: There has been a PA, the physical part has been dealt with for me. I have faced the pain and dealt with the anger, but the emotional side is what hurts. At this point there is no remorse and I wouldn’t expect that until the right time, but it is hard to turn the other cheek when I just think it will be slapped again. I guess I have to set boundaries and not allow them to be crossed. Plus I think it will only happen again, since she keeps encouraging me to date. Gives me “permission” to date, like it is her choice or something. My own thought on this, is I’m not ready right now. I’d like to think I would wait until the D if final, but things are what they are and I need to take each day at a time. I’m sure I’ll enjoy company of a good female when I’m ready.
Legal Proceedings: At this point she has expressed a lot, and is actually been released by the aliens, however, she is dealing with something much worse now, her guilt and depression. From reading success stories it seems I’m close to a corner being turned, which makes me think I should not push her to settle and get the D. She is having a hard time seeing the D and the R as two separate things. If she can’t do that, then it will hurt our R when I push it through. W has also mentioned now that she won’t sign a settlement, so I don’t think I even have the choice to push it if I want. She says if she has to and I push she will take it trial to protect her interests. So she obviously sees an element of trust in our R attached to the legal proceedings.
I know I love W dearly. I know I want things to work but I’m wondering if I just need to realize it is what it is and move on with my life. There would be huge work on our part, with each other, the families, everything. I’m not afraid of hard work, but I’m not going to start the work if it is a half effort on her part. I know so much of this is about her changing and that is not DB, but I’m not trying to DB her I’m trying to decide if I should continue to DB. I think I have hit the point like walkingcliche did, for those of you who recall him. So do I want to continue to DB? I know not DB’ing is DB’ing, but do I have any efforts behind it, real goals, journaling, etc…not sure if I should do it.
I need some time to think, more then 48 hours. I think what I’ll do is focus on the holidays, have a good time, but in my spare time work on this for myself. Come January I should have some clear thoughts and ideas of what to do. Then I’ll make a decision and follow through with it. I won’t break plans with W that are set now, I won’t go dark, but I think I’m going back to the LRT and leave it at that. Just drop the rope and see what happens. That should give me the time to think. It is hard when she is here all the time to get those thoughts worked through.
While I do this, I need to get back to myself. I was working out and doing well. Not so now. I need to get back to that, start working on my career, physical and spiritual side of things. Set some positive goals and reach out to them. I have reconnected with a lot of old friends, and due to this and work, I avoid getting out much, I need to start getting out more and keep the GAL going.
W just called, wanted me to bring her Tylenol PM so she could sleep. Said I couldn’t and she would have to go out and get some. Since she has been sleeping here she has it here. Well you can’t have it all I guess. Good talk probably 30 minutes, we talked about us the whole time. She is worried about getting counseling because her insurance rejected it and she can’t get her antidepressant meds. Says she needs to work on herself and then will consider us. She talked of Retro and MC, but only after she works on her. She moved away from the idea of buying a town house, says she doesn’t want to make things so permanent and is helping her recently D’ed friend finish her business and is probably going to move in there. Pretty much defied everything I just wrote. Feel like I have to be there when she wants to talk. Have to reconcile with that as well. Do I continue being the emotional rock, let her vent on me, or do I say I’m not hearing it and she has made her choice, and cut it off? Not sure how to handle that.
I can not continue with it all being about her, I deserve to feel loved and have that emotional support. Plenty of women out there that would be happy to be with me, and I don’t know if I even want that right now. What I do know is that I just want to be the best father to S that I can. If W doesn’t want a part of that, her choice.
So it comes down to one thing, do I want her back? I have to decide that first. It will take some time to think through. But if I set a timeline and really think, pray and work on me, I’m sure the answer will come.
