WAW staying, I'm leaving to give her space..(2)

[jab]

My weekend was hard mentally, but not as difficult as I thought it would be. Today was hard because kids were 'stir crazy' & couldn't go outside all weekend. A 1 bedroom apt is not the place for D4 & S6 to release physical energy. Had very brief conversations with W on phone, we called each other mainly so she could say 'hi' to kids. Our conversation was minimal. She worked all weekend but will come by to pick up kids early AM.

Spent most of my weekend on computer and PS3. Kids and I tried out some new games on PS3. I did alot of work setting up PC & printing family photos to mail out & loading photos on digital photo frame for FIL & MIL xmas present. This was emotionally difficult for me. Browsing through the photos, I started thinking of alot of things and started finding myself depressed. Before my eyes, a whole year's worth of memories got me thinking how wonderful year it was even though there was alot of struggle. Loading photos from the past 6 years on the digital photo frame was a flashback for me. There were so many memories in there and we looked so happy. I wish in a way that W was here to go through them with me. There were alot of memories that I had forgotten about in those photos (W probably has too). I started thinking, 'how could W feel the way she did, all these good memories, good times we have had, even recently!"

I started thinking about the next couple of weeks and the holidays and how screwed up it has turned out for all of us (W, kids, me). I really hope things don't deteriorate with R/M due to the way this S works out. I've been so busy the past couple weeks moving in/out and IHD that it's hard to GAL. Still trying the PMA but getting harder closer to xmas. W's birthday is 01/06 as well. I see all the xmas commercials and think how I wanted to get her something wonderful for xmas and her birthday this year, something she deserves. W said not to get her a present but I want to get her something, nothing romantic, just something nice. I don't care if I get anything from her, just getting my life back is what I want.

I'll see W briefly in AM and then on Thurs night when she goes out with her friends and I babysit again here alone (hopefully W decides to come back here and 'crash' not someplace else, I'm a little concerned about that night, I'm not trusting her friends very much right now). I'll see her after that 1 more time (prob next SAT) before she & kids go to visit IL's out of state for the week of xmas. The next few weeks are going to be extremely difficult for me. We'll see how W acts tomorrow AM towards me, she acted a little crabby on phone today. I couldn't fix my son's lunch for school because I'm almost out of food here. W got angry but I can't go anywhere to get anything so I'm SOL. I'm praying hard again that this all works out.

P.S. - Oh, Friday night was 2 months without a single drop of alcohol for me. Yeah....