still trying...update

[LuvMyHusband]

Ok, part two. Setting goals. I have read so much about this but still not sure really how to do it. Input would be greatly appreciated.

1) Work on myself.
2) To work on controlling my emotions and anger. My C gave me a list of things to practice to help.
3)no more snooping! Actually I really haven't been so this is already being met.
4) Stop being reactionary. I have been working on this one by insteading of contacting him when I am upset, I talk to a friend.
5) The DB coach helped me to think of some ways to avoid fighting or being drawn in. When H says things that are inflammatory, I will say "I understand that you feel that way, I'm sorry that you are hurt".
6) I will stop asking him questions about what he's doing, when or with who. I will give him the privacy that he seems to want.
7) no more R talk. But, if he initiates it, what do I do?
8) No more trying to tell him about his responsibilities, etc.
9) Work on me and only me, GAL, my kids and my work!!!
10) I will not ask him to attend Retrov (I did and he hasn't responded) or C. He did say he wasn't against C, but that he wasn't ready
11) I need to really let go of him

[LL44]

I lost it last Weds when D8 was so ill.

The hard thing (I know from experience) is every time you lose control with begging or anger, you are back to the beginning. They stop seeing anything else but that, once again.


I am so sorry D8 was so sick. I hope she is feeling better.

[LuvMyHusband]

Like I said, I have been reading DR again, and will again and again. lol. Anyway, Michelle says that we should "Act As If". Ok. I thought about this. When he comes home for Christmas (and btw, he will not say what day he will be here) how should I be? How would I want to be greeted? How do I think he would want to be treated? I want him to WANT to come home so being cool towards him isn't going to cut it. I don't want to be distant but yet can't be clingy. It's hard bc he has pretty much not wanted to talk to me the last few weeks. I know I need to be consistent.

So...I need help here folks. I am not trying to make Christmas nice for him but for my kids. But I do want him to see what he's missing. I also would like him to stay for New Year's, He hasn't committed to it yet. I don't want to ask as it seems like the more I ask the more I hear "IDK". I know I need to be loving, pleasant and kind. That's a given. I will not talk about the R and I will make plans to be out a little and GALing. Also, he told D8 that he bought me a Christmas gift. I didn't think we were exchanging so I haven't bought him anything. So now I am where Mark was. What should I get him?

Btw, my H has mentioned that he wants me to be happy, fun. That the person in Vegas was the one who he fell in love with. Lol. It's easy to let go in Vegas when it's just a weekend. Plus I got pretty smashed there, I don't normally drink. So, without being smashed, I need to be happy and fun again. I think that's been missing. Also, he keeps saying how predictable I am, sounds like I need to shake things up a bit. So, I am open to help.

[LL44]

This one:

9) Work on me and only me, GAL, my kids and my work!!!

and this one:

11) I need to really let go of him

Those need to come first.

I would not initiate any R talks, suggest counseling/Retro. I would put the 100% focus on the kids and holiday. Someone on here said "Treat him as if you are already amicably divorced, someone you are friends with and nothing more"

If he initiates, its because he wants to be heard. Let him talk.

[LuvMyHusband]

ok. thanks Lwb. Here is another thing. I feel like my brain is on overload. But that's a good thing. I have wasted a few months bc I just couldn't let go and wasn't dbing. I wasn't ready emotionally, I think I am now.

Some people say that when you are with your WAS that you shouldn't be intimate, some say it's up to you. I read some posts where Michelle said this one is tough as if it will hurt you more, don't do it. But...she also said that making love can be a way to help you to reconnect and bring emotions back into play and that's a good thing. My H has always said that sex was emotional for him. We seem closer after sex but he still leaves so I don't know what to think. Chuch the db coach said that it's natural for WAS to back off, especially if I am not consistent with my behavior. So, I would like input.

[LuvMyHusband]

As far as GALing, I am going to start taking one night a week to do something for me. Whether it's going out with friends or just heading to Barnes & Noble. I love to read. I have lost a lot of weight but fell off track during the holidays. I am working alot and building my business. I had been trying to include him but he may see that as my trying to stay connected even though he has complained feeling left out. Talk about a rock and a hard spot that I am in. He really does send mixed signals! I have to work tonight and then have C in the morning and am getting my hair done. This is for me. I have also bought a program to help me brush up on my spanish.

[LL44]

Oh and "Dad" him up. Praise him, talk him up to the kids. He is a good dad, right? (when his head is on straight...). So, be excited for the kids when he walks in "Look! Yay! Dad is here!"....

I am not trying to make Christmas nice for him but for my kids.

Why don't you want him to have a nice Christmas? My H has been horrible to me, but I am 100% positive I want him to be happy and have a great holiday.

Is he staying at your house?

About Christmas gifts, think really good friend. Gift cards, things like that. Nothing nostalgic or romantic....

I need to be happy and fun again

There is no faking this. Not for long at least. Its the same thing as always, make yourself happy, your kids happy. This is the way to be 'fun' again.

[LL44]

Oh my friend, you don't want to ask me about being intimate with the WAS. I have waaaay too many posts on my own thread about it. I have no idea if its a good idea or not! lol

Yay for your plans to get out and enjoy yourself!

[LuvMyHusband]

Why don't you want him to have a nice Christmas? My H has been horrible to me, but I am 100% positive I want him to be happy and have a great holiday.

Sorry, I don't know how to do the quote thing that you did. It's not that I don't want to make it special for him but I was told that it needs to be more for the kids not us.

Is he staying at your house? Yes, he is staying here. I assume he will sleep with me since he always has in the past.

About Christmas gifts, think really good friend. Gift cards, things like that. Nothing nostalgic or romantic....

Gotcha. A gift card seems too impersonal. I totally get the nothing nostalgic or romantic. Would lingerie be ok? rofl!

Faking my happiness right now is something I have to do. I'm not happy right now but I am trying.

[LuvMyHusband]

about your threads regarding intimacy, I'll have to go back and read them. I have read so much I think I'm becoming cross eyed. Some times I feel like I need to take a break from self help!

I like ml with my H. That is something that has always been great between us. He has even said that "that was never a problem". I feel like it's the only thing that we still have to connect us. I wish I knew if he felt the emotions that I did or if at this point, it's filling a need.