I have been married for 12 yrs to a man who has a teenage daughter. He got custody of her when she was 11, and it has been a nightmare with her disrespect, running away, etc.
My h moved out about three weeks ago while I was visiting friends for a weekend. I came home to a note saying I was the problem and that he had taken an apartment. He said he "loves" me, but can't abide my anger over his teenage daughter. and he would give me financial and medical support for a period of time and that he would file for divorce.
He texts me about the bank deposits he makes for me, and other business type things, but I have only responded twice, in a very neutral manner. I have been very good about not calling him, his friends, or family. I just haven't talked to any of them at all since he left.
I want to call him to tell him I plan to attend church tomorrow, and how should we handle that to avoid any awkwardness if he's there too, but I am afraid I'll crack if I hear his voice.
Should I call, of just text?
The above is my sitch.
Since H left on 11/9/2007, I have gone almost totally dark and he seems to prefer that. Now what? Since we have no children together, we have no reason to see each other face to face. H simply texts me about household business, and that's not all that often, maybe once a week.
How do you get your H to notice anything if you have no contact except texts? We go to the same church, but I don't want to go when he's there. it would be too awkward and sad for me and I would break down. _________________________________________________________________
I came home to a note saying I was the problem and that he had taken an apartment. He said he "loves" me, but can't abide my anger over his teenage daughter.
Seems to me, this is the key. Whether you agree or not, his perception is that his issues with his D were worsened, or his life made more difficult, by your anger over her.
Now, I don't doubt that step-parenting under those conditions is difficult. She may have been the teenager from hell for all I know. But she is the child and you are the adults. She didn't ask for the disruption caused in her life by the adults in it. Your H probably feels guilt over his role in her dysfunction.
The bottom line is, he did what he felt was right by choosing to protect his daughter. And he may simply have been overwhelmed, trying to deal with her AND deal with your anger. Parenting unruly teens is hard enough when your spouse has your back.
So, where am I going with all this? I think, if you want him back, you need to VALIDATE what he experienced. Admit that your approach was not helpful to him in that stressful situation. Tell him you don't want to be an obstacle between him and his D. Tell him you miss him terribly and would hope that the two of you could perhaps still see each other, just not live in the same house? I would try a little humility, and understanding. He's been placed in a terrible position between the two of you.
KML, I agree with that, but how do I come back out of the dark? I went dark immediately after finding him gone and literally have not had any communication with him other than texting, and I'm sick of that. It's been "polite", but also seems so cold and impersonal. Should I actually call him and invite him to dinner?
The chasm seems so great, and he seems bent on getting a divorce. He obviously planned this move well in advance because he took everything that he needed to set up his new apt. Plus, he texted me the whole time I was out of town like everything was normal, he "loved me", "missed me", etc. And then I get home to find the note. How could he be so cruel and deceitful?
Maybe you should start with a carefully worded apology note?
And how could he leave that way? He's chicken, that's all - he couldn't face your pain (OR he's passive-aggressive and wanted to make a big statement by leaving that way). Which do you think fits his personality?
Both, actually. Plus, he suffers from clinical depression and has been on meds for it for years. This will be tricky.
If I send him a note, it would have to be in email since I don't know his address. He told me which apt complex in the note, and it's very close by, but I haven't bothered to drive over there or anything like that.
Can you copy and paste it here? let us know his response.
Me 36 Husband 35 D5 S2 separated: 10/29/07-present Served divorce papers 1/22/09 "When the world gives out beneath your feet, it is time to learn how to fly."
Well, I just pretty much wrote exactly what kml suggested and here it is along with his reply this morning:
Dear Jimmy,
Hope this finds you well.
I don't want to be an obstacle between you and Andrea. I realize that you had been placed in a terrible position and I admit that my approach was not helpful to you in that stressful situation.
Jimmy, I miss my friend, I miss talking to you, and I confess that I also needed some time to myself.
Take Care, Kimmie
P.S. I forwarded some emails that appear to be yours. _________________________________________________________________
Dear Kimmie,
thank you for your admission. We can talk on weekend mornings if want. Thanks for forwarding the emails.
Make him feel good. Tell him that you love him and that you are sorry that you came between he and his daughter. Ask him how you can help him with Andrea.
