This morning before she left for work, she asked if I had talked to the OM. I said yes. You could tell that she was furious. She stormed out the door and went to work.
What a mess...
How did you think she was going to react? Thanks for spoiling my litte fun? Not bloody likely. Of course she's going to be mad. She wants to have her cake and eat it, because coasting along in fantasy world is so much easier than making some hard choices. My guess is that OM knows this, and, deep down, so does she.
Stick to your guns. You're doing great, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. (((bombardier)))
Bomb, this is NOT necessarily a mess... really. Think of a remodeling job: the first thing you do is tear down a few walls, use sledgehammers, haul stuff away-- then you clear the space and see what you can rebuild. Now is not the time to panic-- at least not in front of her. Hang tough.
Originally Posted By: Bonb
The OM was actually very good...he cut the conversation off after a few minutes.
This speaks VOLUMES to me! The cosy, secret world they had built is coming down.
You said you think she's about to walk. Well, honey, that has been the case all along. You can't change that or count on her to stick around EVER. No one on this board can, and no one in life can. She is responsible for herself and her own actions. You can't nail her feet to the floor.
I can GUARANTEE that no matter what she says on the outside, inside she is nodding her head to your integrity, your willingness to risk ALL to save the marriage, and the stand you are taking.
Fasten your seatbelt... it's going to be a bumpy ride... but I don't see this plane crashing.
Also, IM, I'm giving her lots of space and keeping a very positive attitude. I think that pisses her off more than anything.
Another story: she told me yesterday that she found a marriage counselor. Oh great, I thought. Now that do I say? I told her, "Fine, but I really think we have some individual issues we need to work on, and I would prefer to address those first." The look she gave me...if she'd had a knife available, I think it would have been sticking out of my chest...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
OK, maybe I'm the only idiot here, but what does "skype" mean?
Bomb, I know it's frightening, but this is all "script," I can assure you. Of COURSE she is going to get furious, you've spoiled all of her FUN!!! My wife was livid when her boyfriend's parents got a letter from me, and again when I talked to HER parents to expose her affair. They scream like a devil with holy water poured on them. Good. It means you've hit a nerve, and absolutely means that they are NOT "just friends" (even tho, as you now know, EAs are still As, and still constitute "infidelity.")
I would not have confronted OM (never did in my sitch, altho I REALLLLLLY wanted to), but what's done is done. What you DO need to do is expose to OM's wife, and I mean today. She has a right to know, and you might as well do it while you're wife is livid anyway.
Simultanous detonations, man -- it's easier on you that way, and harder for the infidels to do damage control and "get their story straight" before they figure you're going to the next target in line.
If your wife gives you the "I can't help you with your insecurities again," I would say "I'm sorry that you feel like it's 'insecure' for a man to fight for his wife and family. You need to end your affair, immediately, and I will gladly work on ALL of what you feel are my 'issues' with you."
I had to do this -- keep bringing her back to the affair -- with my wife probably no less than 50 times. And she went NUTS whenever I used the "a-word." Call a spade a spade, and pray to God for strength to deal with the fallout. As NOP likes to say, "Never shelter an infidel from the consequences of their actions." You need to -- every time -- point out to her how such unpleasantries are the direct result of her decision to have an affair.
This doesn't have to always sound "mean" by the way (altho most times, I was very firm with it). Once, when my wife was horrified and ashamed that a friend of ours had heard of her affair, and my wife had to hear it from her, I said softly "Honey, I'm sorry you had to hear that -- that must've been hard. Unfortunately it's to be expected as a result of the poor choice you made."
But this was ONLY after she had ended it. Until your wife does, do not coddle her. Be firm, but loving. Fight for her in a way that does tolerate her continued infidelity and disrespect.
Also, IM, I'm giving her lots of space and keeping a very positive attitude. I think that pisses her off more than anything.
Good!!!! Keep doing it. There's nothing that says you have to be mopey, just because you don't agree with what she's doing.
Quote:
Another story: she told me yesterday that she found a marriage counselor. Oh great, I thought. Now that do I say? I told her, "Fine, but I really think we have some individual issues we need to work on, and I would prefer to address those first." The look she gave me...if she'd had a knife available, I think it would have been sticking out of my chest...
I think you say "I would love to go to a pro-marriage counselor with you, but you need to end your affair, first. We can't accomplish anything so long as you've decided to open up our marriage to another man."
Choc, Damn! I like that line about the "insecurities." Good one!
I've been reading this book "Break Free From the Affair" and it talks about "charging neutral". In short, when I talk to her, I raise questions and make statements but I do it in a very calm, cool, non-threatening way. Again...I think that pisses her off more than anything.
You guys are giving me priceless support and advice. Deeply appreciated...deeply...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Choc, Skype is internet videoconferencing software. It's a free download. If you have a webcam and microphone, you can talk to people, long-distance, for free. It's very cool...and it's the primary method by which the spouse has carried on her little EA...
I'll bet that Skype has probably smoothed the way for more affairs than any technology in history. Maybe we need to come up with an acronym for Skype and Affair.
Skair?
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Does OM's W know? Personally I would think she would be a very useful allie, (not friend but allie).
Also have you thought about what Choc said about the simultaneous bombs?
Btw - think looking at apartments is dangerous - might be one of those self fulfilling prophecies........personally I think it's way too early to go there - if anyone does it should be the W.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
That ought to let you know what you're dealing with, if you think you can handle it. The book "Not Just Friends" would also be excellent for your wife -- and you -- to read.
