What is in the best interest of the children? What do they want?
I have tried to ask the boys as well; with two older kids - 13 & 17 - I feel they have the maturity to make most of these decisions - or at least be included. The problem - if it's that - comes when they really don't want to make the decision. They stall, and I know then that this - whatever it is - isn't a choice they feel ready for. One Christmas thing we always did together was go cut down a tree; I decided that I really wasn't in the mood for that, so I asked H if he wanted to take the boys to get a tree. He did and so, since the boys had been avoiding coming up with a plan, I presented this and they agreed - especially since I said I wanted this as well.
In the end, all of you are right that it is the kids who should be considered first with many of these situations. Not always - something my friends have reminded me as the year goes along is that kids are much more resiliant than we give them credit for - but as much as makes sense. And judging how much and when to ask and when to just tell by the kids' ages or responses is what makes us the parents - we are helping them cope.
Another Christmas tradition we have had is that I have given each of the boys an ornament that represents something from that year. Boy, talk about not sure what to do this year! Then I found a lovely one by Hallmark this year that says "Forever Family." I am giving one to each of them. I figure that has been a primary part of what we've tried to do - keep being a family in the midst of the insanity.
