Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

Ok...once again get some snacks and have a seat. As Desi Arnes would say "Lucy, you got some splainin to do". I feel like I just had my own personal Cuban missile crisis.

Spoke to W for three hours last night...amazing what a little much needed communication can do to a relationship

Since receiving her letter with all of the things that most rational people would indicate an affair as per DR and seeing that my W wanted to backdate our separation to the day after I deployed, that she had seen an attorney and I suspected a PA with someone she met online about the same time I got her letter of concern I assumed the worst and took steps to protect my affairs and interests (moved $2500 out of our checking account and cancelled powers of attorney). Reaction was based on fear, anger, suspicion.

W was extremely hurt and angry over what she viewed as a knee jerk reaction to a simple meeting with an attorney and her family's interpretation to this relationship with her friend whom I thought was the OM. In the early part of our conversation she said that my actions had "put her on notice" and that she was likely more apt to pursue legal action faster because I took the money (my money) before talking to her and finding out if she had needs for the money or if my kids had needs.

She did not understand why everyone in her family was reacting to alleged OM. I told her that her meeting a new guy that no one knows in and around the same time she started telling me that she was not content in our R and that she wanted to separate sent red flags up all over the place.

The error I made in this whole situation was to not talk/confront W prior to making assumptions based on perceptions I had from over her in Afghanistan and hearing things from her family about what they were seeing daily.

My M has always been based on honesty and love and I feel sort of like an idiot but honestly feel and still feel that given the same information and timeline I likely would have taken the same course of action. Everyone I have talked to and explained the sitch to said they would have done the same thing that I did.

So the bottom line is that I confronted W about a possible affair and she explained the extent of her R with this OM which I believe.

That does not mean that my R is not in trouble. The last 6-10 months, W has been talking to everyone under the sun about her feelings in our R except for me. We could have avoided most of this situation if she would have not listened to everyone else and talked to me, her H and the one who swore to God to love her more than anyone else on the earth.

Although still very upset by the circumstances, not to mention the position she is in with her family I firmly believe we made a large step forward in our R. However, we are far from safe. I will endeavor not to smother her with my communication but knowing that she is hurting right now I know that this is a prime opportunity for me to be there for her and rekindle our R that was derailed by some really sh$tty communication and total misinterpretation to a series of indicators.

So friends, while I do not feel like I have wasted my time at all in this forum or reading all of your experiences and hearing what you have had to say, I have learned a great deal about what happens when two people who love each other don't talk or explain our feelings.

I told her that I was sorry for the perceptions and assumptions that I made and I will continue to attempt to help her understand how she could have influenced the course of events and insist she take responsibility for lack of communicating with me. She has to understand how her actions oriented around the associated timeline and correspondence affected me and my actions.

Please see my new string in piecing our marriage back together. Thank you, thank you, thank you for everything you have helped me to understand. The validating and assumption of responsibility with things in this relationship are things that I will take away into my new R with my W. With God's help my R will fulfill the lifelong goal I have had...growing old with my W and enjoying our time together as H and W.

Mike