Can I ask what happened after the confrontation? Are you still DBing or have you moved on?
My wife came to me one evening, broke down in tears, and begged me to take her back. She told me she loved me, had always loved me, that "you are my home," and that she wanted to try to work it out with her. She apologized for hurting me, knew that she was wrong, and wanted to try to save our marriage and our family. I told her I needed to think about it, and the next day told her I had four conditions:
1. That she write a no-contact letter to the OM, the content to be approved by me;
2. She quit her job (their affair began at work, and was facilitated there);
3. She get a full-panel STD test;
4. She change her cellphone number, and get detailed billing on the new one and have it come to me.
She agreed to ALL of them, without hesitation. She quit her job immediately, but dragged her feet on the others but eventually did them all except for the STD test, which is still pending. We're struggling, and under extreme financial stress and possible foreclosure on our house, but we're trying. She backslid once, and re-contacted the OM with her own no-contact letter, and then met with him once and they exchanged text messages. After two weeks of this, she came to me proactively and confessed to slipping up, and this is when she finally agreed to take the steps outlined above (at that point, she had only quit her job, and done none of the other things).
I honestly don't know if we'll make it or not, but she is healthier and safer by not being in the affair anymore, and at least we have a SHOT at making the marriage work. There's a lot of trust issues, obviously, and then of course the longer-term clashing libidos problems.
But I am stronger, and I have my dignity back. I honestly can't imagine just sitting around, "hoping" she leaves him and comes back to me and our family. I drew a strong boundary, insisted on it, and enforced it, and that -- for me -- was huge. I'd never been good at that, and it's a lesson that will serve me well whether it's with her or with someone else.
