Well I'm kinda in a catch 22, as a lawyer, even though I don't practice this area, she could always go to Court later on and throw this thing open and say she was pushed. The Court would have no problem reopening the settlement at D and rearragning the mattter.
On that note, if I could get her to sign an antinuptial agreement that says the same thing but stay married, should I go for it. It would be submitted to the court if things went bad, and it would be considered, but basically I think I would be the same position as if we D'ed and then worked it out.
I can't legally fully protect myself, because of my career, no matter what I do it can be seen as manipulation. But I think on the pro side, I give her a little and she sees some trust, but I have a back up. Either way I can be screwed.
However, since I just started my career, there isn't that much of a pie to divide up. I'm totally in the red, Dad is going to invest in part of the house to keep me afloat. I have plans to make some more money but it would take longer then realizing if W is serious. So I don't see a point in at least not trying with the antinuptial agreement. I end up in the same place if it goes south. That is an assumption, but I deal with a guy who all day reopens divorce settlements and rearranges the matter, better or worse for some. It's not always final.
I've never heard of that, but it might be true depending on the state, or something. However, I would think that these settlements can only be opened within a certain time period following their signing. An H/W shouldn't be able to have this done 5 yrs down the road when life starts kicking their ass. Makes sense to me, anyway. Do you know anything about this length of time as it relates to you?
She can open it any time. In my state, any one can, but there has to coercision and show some type of manipulation. Being a lawyer on my part, she would have problem with that. I have that repeatedly told to me. She is now unreprestented and is willing to sign anything, good but bad. But either way, there is not a lot of assets to divide up. Even if she took the house, she can't pay for it, we would be at a loss. I can alway start over at this point. So I don't see the con's out weighing the pro's.
It is sorta like this, W can sue me for my yacht, my mansion, my huge retirement, but what I don't have I don't have. So just like her original D petition, she was asking for things I don't have. I would be in the soup kitchen line on welfare out in cold, and no judge will do that to anyone, that is why alimoy isn't a punishment but rather keeps one party from relying on the state.
Well this may be long, up, down and all the way around.
W TX’ed me this afternoon saying she wanted to come by after work and we should go to dinner. So I show and she says we have to go somewhere first but she won’t tell me where or I’ll talk her out of it. You can only imagine what is running through my head, OM’s place, what…So we arrive at a tattoo parlor, she is talking about trying to tattoo over her old tat with a skin color because she can’t stand having it. She asks me to wait with S, we wait and wait. W returns with a nose piercing. Not my style, but she looks good with it, she asks me to look at it closely, next thing I know we are kissing. Closed mouth but more then a peck, then she suddenly pulls away.
Off to dinner, S is throwing a fit, when she says across the table, “How do you expect us to have passion in our relationship when we have a kid?” UH! Oh I’m sorry I gave you the child you want and now you hold it against me. So dinner goes by rather fast so we can get out of there.
I ask if we can stop by the book store I need to buy one. She says sure she needs to go to the grocery next to it. So we meet back up and she asks what I got, wanted something else, but they didn’t have it so I got Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. She starts saying how sweet it is that I’m taking an interest in her point of view and emotions, but not to expect anything. Everything comes with a hitch with her.
Well she spoke with a different attorney and has learned that she can just sit on the temporary order while she figures things out. Says she wants to wait, build a life without me, date and see what happens. So now I feel like the power shift has happened all I can do is push it from my end, which I don’t want. So I can sit and wait again.
We go back to her place, she is using the bathroom without closing the door then walking around in panties and bra. She is getting ready to go to her mothers for the night since she works early and her mom will be watching S. We have a smoke and she is saying that she wants to believe our M could work, but she is and was too lonely and just can’t. She is reading that book Oprah endorsed, Live Love Eat or something. Says she needs to find herself, sexually, emotionally, etc… I’m so sick of hearing it. So you want to tramp around town, keep me on a string and see if you can find greener pastures.
I walk them to the car, pack them up and off they go. Now the vent.
I’m so lost, I think I have learned nothing. She is becoming something I can’t even imagine. The worst part is the alien is really gone, but the depression is set in big. She found out today that her new insurance says it is a pre-existing condition and she has to wait 8 months for coverage. Told her I would help her out, and she won’t accept.
She says she has to rebuild relationships with some of her old friends. Friends she met after we separated, but the OM drove them off. She made fun of OM for a bit, says most people say he looks and acts like the kid on the partridge family. But the people she was hanging were way bad influences at first and she wants to go back to that. She doesn’t want to be a mother or be bothered with motherly things. That is apparent in her actions.
I don’t have any response to any of this, I don’t know what direction to head. It is amazing how clearly you can see it in some else’s sitch but your own. Too emotionally involved Iguess.
She did make sure that we were still on for tomorrow, she is coming over to watch videos. We did have a moment of flirting, when she said after getting the nose piercing, “I’m doing what men have always told me I can’t do, I’m doing things for me. Any man that tells me to do something I’m doing the opposite.” So I said, “Tomorrow when you come over, no matter what you do, don’t get naked and wild sex with me, that would be horrible.” She laughed, and said will see what happens. Ya right!
Oh at one point in the night she asked if I would stay at her house tonight. I’m like sure, who wouldn’t. “Good, because Angela and I want to go out clubbing.” I just looked at her cross and she said that is using huh. I said you just invited me to spend the night, how would you take that, then you say great I need a babysitter to go scope for men. FU! Left that off the end though.
I’m enabling a cake eater, that’s what I’m doing. What am I doing? I’m starting to think what everyone outside DB is telling me is right, I need to pick up and leave her a$$ behind. I love her so much, but can’t keep going round n’ round.
Wow, that's a couple of crazy days. Your W is clearly going through something---sounds like an identity crisis: who is she? what does it mean to be a mom? can she integrate the life she wants with motherhood and M? That's a tough thing.
Maybe it would help if you sit down and ask yourself: Do you want her back? I know you don't like the things she's doing right now, but if you really want her back, then you have to let her walk her path, find her own way.
A couple thoughts that popped out at me: You feel like you're enabling her, staying with your S while she parties. If you decide you really do want her back, you have to drop your expectations that she'll be the mom you'd like her to be and the woman you want her to be right now. Stay with your S, make it about him and your R with him. If you don't have any expectations about your R with W, this should be (relatively) easy.
The other thing: Kissing, being asked to spend the night---these are keeping your expectations up. If you're willing to let her go through whatever it is she's going through and still be there for her, perhaps it would help if you stopped the smooching. I know you love her and that stuff feels great, but I'm thinking it's keeping your hopes up that she's coming around, keeping your expectations up. If you can't kiss her, flirt with her, etc, without feeling like you're enabling her, then stop it. Be her friend, be a great father, and let her go.
With the expectations gone, every little move on her part is something you can observe with some distance but not react to, not start hoping she's turning around. Also, you don't have to feel like she's using you because you'll know why you're doing what you're doing. Does that make sense?
You don't have to feel used if you have clarity about why you're doing things. And if she asks, hey, can you spend the night, you can say you have plans, or ask what she has in mind. You're letting her control how you feel right now, and that place of powerlessness just engenders resentment. Figure out what *you* want, then walk with integrity.
I just logged in to vent big time. I'm getting ready for our movie night tonight, the house is a total mess, and all I can think about is my resentment building because she isn't doing A B or C.
The way she is acting is driving me nuts, it is killing me. I watched a neighbor do this when I was about 17, and she is still doing it some 14 years later. Always looking for a party. She was a gorgeous women, with four kids, and now she looks like the community bicycle, all her kids stay away from her and with their father. All I can think is W will never find herself, something is seriously flawed in her head, so why would I put up with it.
Sorry had to get that out, I'm just getting seriously pissed off. I need to spend some time over the next week answering those questions again.
Your right I don't think the smooches and such are helping anything, she is still undecided so it just hurts me. She gets to have her H and then party and who knows what else and with whom.
It's getting close to the time when I need to take everything I have sell it, move to Mexico and open up my beach bar and buy my fishing boat. Hehe! My little fantasy.
I do need a BT, I don't mix drinks well, I like beer. Plus I'll be taking the people out fishing on the boat. Although one hitch on that, I have never been ses sick in all my fishing trips, the last time with W's family I got sea sick, that was the worst feeling in the world. It felt like the worst hangover ever, I just wanted to die. Haven't been since, hope it's not with me for good. Dramamine and the wrist things I guess next time.
So sure enough, movie night just got cancelled. I thought it would happen. What makes me mad about it, I know expectations, is W says she was sick all day at work. Well I texted her earlier about what to eat tonight, and no response. I had 2 other plans offered for the night, but already had plans with W. She could have called earlier and said it isn't happening I'm sick. No she waits until 7pm to tell me. No consideration, but why would I expect any diffrent. You know all I can think of is the saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."
Oh ugh, sorry, Atlas. Maybe time to make other plans than with W? You at least deserve the consideration of a timely cancellation, and I think it's reasonable to ask for one.
Since Heim's already got the bartender gig lined up, can I be the waitress? Por favor?
