I have to catch up on your thread but I have to wonder how you even know the ow has a profile up; are you searching to find out?
I hear you saying you are with the New Guy and moved on, but when I read your posts, it seems that you are very invested in your xh and his ow...to the point that it still makes you livid. You don't need to let this be your focus anymore; from what you've posted you have a very nice, caring man in your life and you don't need to worry about what your xh is doing...and certainly not the ow.
You have got to detach more, and let it go. I do understand being upset that a photo of your son is on the profile, but then again you never would have known that if you hadn't been looking, so I wonder, why were you looking?
Most of us really marry only once. First love endures, even unto our dying day. And we never really divorce.
I want to fill you in on a few things so you can understand my sitch.
First things first, I am very happy with New Guy and my new life. I have a solid career, kids are good, I am very blessed.
In the past two weeks I have suffered a loss of a family member which has been hard, so I am sure it is reflected in my posts. I feel as though I am letting you all down by not being the "jovial" myturnnow. However, it is reality. I am dealing with a very narcissistic XH. That being the case, the more I pull away, the happier I get, the more curve balls I am thrown. The past month, I have stopped talking to him. The few texts and emails I have responded to were in response to his. I have tried so hard to maintain a cordial relationship but it doesn't work. I can honestly tell you I am facing the most difficult part of my D right now.
This is why:
XH is not happy with OW. So, he sees me moving on. He fluctuates between being borderline flirty with me to f.u. texts. It makes my head spin. I don't call, I don't get involved with his life. I am cordial. He is out of his mind trying to get my attention, good or bad.
The kids are begging me to have him here for x-mas. I don't want their x-mas to be ruined. I know if I said no, it still would be okay, but they have sadi over and over how much they don't want to choose between parents xmas morning. But I don't want XH here. If I am nice, he misinterprets it, if I am aloof, the kids misinterepet it.
I can honestly tell you I have no idea how to interact with this guy. The more I pull away, the more b.s. I get. All this stuff with OW and him has been shoved in the kids face. I COULD CARE LESS what the two of them do, but when my D10 comes home and asks me about match and her dad's dates and my S is on the web on OW's website, well, what would you guys do?
I said to my guy last night in tears, "I don't know anyone who keeps getting this stuff thrown in their kids faces as much as mine..I know on the boards I read about it, but in town, I feel like I am so alone at times."
In the past year, I have dealt with more stuff from OW and XH than I had in previous, possible identity threft (working on this, been reported, btw)inappropriate sexual behavior in front of my 13 year old son, now her putting my kid on her profile.
I think I reacted because this woman got what she wanted. She got my XH, my car, our business, part-time with my kids..I accepted it. But when I saw her on that pic with my son AFTER I had spoken with her last week, I lost it. The pic had a sexual nature to it that made me sick to my stomach. I cannot explain it. Her head was resting on my son's shoulder and he looked frightened. My T told me that her entire identity is all about sexuality. He said was worried about her involvement with a teenager in the upcoming years. I lost it. Just one more thing for me to worry about..
I understand how my posts can see how I am possibly too diverted to XH and her. All the bullying is getting to me since I have been dealing with finals, xmas and just other family stuff. It's like my tolerance is down and I am done ignoring all the crap.
I have ignored it for so long. I lived with this man and he was abusive for years.I don't I have moved on.
I dread going to my email everyday because now XH is sending me nasty emails(along with texts) about my D10 out of the blue. How she is "math illiterate" and he blames it on me. That is what triggered my mood yesterday.
He picks sh** out of the air to blame me for. And I think, here I am ..working my a** off to establish a career, play taxi service to the kids after work each day and do their homework. My D has been sick for a week and he tried to do math problems with her WEd night and she was tired. So, he shot off a nasty "blame MTN" email.
Then, I go out to lunch with my D (after we went to the doctor) and she tells me that S13 is on the profile with OW. She said it was weird and S13 was upset about it. She said Daddy showed her the OW's profile. WTF?
I have not asked nor cared about XH dating. EAch and every time these kids come home XH is talking about match to the kids. I diffuse it..I said good for dad..The kids are so confused..It's hard to be rock solid all the time for the kids when sh** is going on in my brain about XH, too.
NPD is a very dangerous personality disorder. BAsically, these people are not satisfied until they destroy those that have "figured them out" and do not give them their narcissistic supply anymore.
I don't know if this makes any sense. But I would love to know how many people still have their kids deal with crazy OW even when their XH's are done with them. She works for XH and they still say they are friends..So, it confuses the kids, they come home, ask me questions, I try to validate, and move on.
Oh sweetie I am so sorry...fear for your children's welfare has got to rate up there as the one of the truly scariest things in life.
I have no professional expertise in either psychology or law, but this all sounds terribly sick and certainly unhealthy for the children. And maybe actionable, if there is any evidence of the sexual content. I'm going to just throw out some random thoughts:
Have you talked to your L about action? Would your therapist support you in an affadavit stating that OW's behavior borders on sexual abuse (if it does, I don't mean to suggest that the T make something up). Could you get a restraining order in regard to the abusive emails--is it stalking?
I don't want to overreact but if it were me I would take action to keep my children physically aware from her unless supervised by an independent third party.
I'm sorry MTN. I am beginning to understand how awful it is when the OWs start to become "permanent fixtures" in the kids' lives. I agree with you, and I understand what you meant when you said this is the worst part of the D yet.
I wish I could be more helpful. You are not alone, even though it feels that way.
First, we want you as you are, each day. Not just jovial. You are an amazingly strong woman.
This is what we are saying (well, at least me).....because you are amazing, and wanting to get to normal, and pulling to the good in life, it just irritates me that he baites you back in.
I really don't think there is a way to interact with him cordially. He's not normal. You must accept that. Rat isn't either.
What I am saying is that you don't have meltdowns and rack your heart and brains wondering how to deal with him. You just do it silently through the law, if needed, or through extremely business-like emails. If he write you things like that, you note it and ask your L what you can do to stop this abuse.
It is NOT your job anymore to interpret, handle, run interference for, smooth over, or manage this maniac. He is an abusive lunatic. I mean every word of that. You are not his W anymore, you are another person in his world. What would someone else do, even if they did have to share something with him (like kids). How would they handle it. That's how you go.
Feel what you're feeling. Let it be about YOU. But, all the while, remove yourself from this man.
You are strong, talented, capable, and full of life. Keep repeating that to yourself. You are better than this.
How are things? Keep doing the things that youa re doing. The rat is crazy and the X is even crazier. Take deep breaths and focus on all the accomplishments that you have done over the last couple years. The rat and the X are jealous that you are now happy and they are still riding the roller coaster of hell!! You know how it works.
For those who don't know me, I live 2 blocks from MTN and we have been through it "all" together! .... She is one classy lady and a hell of a friend. I used to post often, and we would sit on these boards for hours reading, writing and wondering "why". Life has moved on, she's in a great place, has met a wonderful man, and has been raising 2 great kids!! Keep doing what youa re doing....
Hello to all the old-timers.....Where is MEA, AKA MEAny?? Anyone know.
Sorry for highjacking MTN, just wanted to say hello.
Ahh..the good ole' days..dancin in the kitchen listening to crazy songs with the kids..It was the worst of times AND the best of times all in one fell swoop..
All is quiet on the home front.
Thanks for the kudos, my friend..We all have our moments and I am fine..so much better than this time three years ago, that's for sure!
Hi MTN, Sorry you are going through yet another drama with your crazy EX and the Rat. She is scary! Who is she trying to irritate by using the picture of your son? You or your EX? Either way, she's looney tunes.
So, EX has officially moved on from the Rat? For how long? Does it look like your children won't have to have any contact with her? If so, count your blessings.
As far as Christmas morning goes, here are my thoughts: You and NKK are divorced. It is a reality. Divorced people can be friends and work together to make the lives of their children easier...sometimes. But it takes tremendous self-control and effort on the part of TWO SANE, REASONABLE, THINKING ADULTS. Seems to me like you are missing the needed ingredients to pull that off.( I'm talking about NKK, here) Will it be sad or difficult for your kids to not have both parents on XMAS morning? Probably. It is however, the reality of their lives. Maybe it's time to embrace that and begin a new tradition with just you and your children. You can't have it both ways. You can't be detached and business-like one minute and then sit down next to the Xmas tree the next. No wonder NKK is confused. No wonder you feel like your kids are getting the wrong signals. You have to stop trying to please everyone else and define your own life. Your children love you. They will adjust and eventually understand. Maybe not right away, but eventually.
Merry Christmas, Patti. I wish you a wonderful new year!
Hugs, Spitty
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest. Mark Twain
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