Pregnant and abandoned #3

[blindsided1]

Yesterday wasn't so horrible. But, then there is today. I didn't wake up sad. But, it didn't take long to get there. My niece was with me and she was telling me what she was going to make my H (her Uncle) for Christmas. My niece and nephew don't know that we're separated, yet. They have had a lot of loss in the last year and I just can't bring myself to tell them that someone they really love is gone, again. She had gone Christmas shopping with my Mom later in the morning and when she got back showed me something she bought for my H and that she paid for it with her own money. It took all I had not to cry in front of her. He has hurt a lot of people with this decision. A lot more than just me and the baby. I went out to do Christmas shopping and realized that I wasn't shopping for him this year. Then the thought of him not being there Christmas morning and not having his stocking to fill overcame me. Then it moved to the fact that he has OW to share Christmas with and has a stocking there I bet and he will be with her. Then of course, I run down the fact that he isn't with me, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's hard for me to see that he would ever come home. I hate him, I miss him, I love him, I can't believe he did this. I can't believe he could be so insensitive to tell me how "they" are going out of town for the 1st of the year. I try to figure out how we got here. I just feel so incredibly sad that he didn't give us a chance at a family. I'm so sad that he isn't here and won't be here at the holidays with me. I hate that it hurts all the time. I beg God to make it stop hurting and bring him home. Soon.