I dont even know if I am on the right thread here but i do not seem to be getting any responses elsewhere, so here goes. My H left me over 9 months ago. No explanation and bascially no contact other than financial for the kids. He called lawyer and started divorce proceedings. It was hard but the kids and I moved on, (H didnt contact kids much either), I bought a house and we prepared for our lives without him. 3 weeks ago, while H was moving out his things from old home so we could move he decided to tell me he left me for a co-worker and had been living down the street from us for the last 7 months with her and her son, happy little family. All very secret and hush hush since she didnt want the reputation of a home wrecker with her son, family or their co-workers. He said he wanted to come clean and try and salvage our family. Well I moved and have let him back in. Now 3 weeks later he is indecisive again. He tells me he misses her and all the great things they did together. How easy it was to tell her he loved her and how he loved to hold her, ....you get the idea. This is killing me. Our kids are so happy he is back and he had started to salvage what was a very strained relationship with younger son (17) When he returned he would kiss me goodnight and hello in the morning and hold me. No sex yet, we were not ready. Now nothing. If I ask what is wrong, he says he is unhappy, what if he did the wrong thing in leaving her. I have had enough of her and her feelings. I need help. My heart is breaking all over again. Any advice from any of you on either side of this would be greatly appreciated. Please respond.
It sounds like you were well on your way to a new beginning and on your way to acceptance and healing.
It also sounds like maybe he couldn't hack that so decided to come back. Now that you've taken him back, all of a sudden he's telling you all this stuff about OW. Does he not wonder if YOU have feelings too?
I think if I were you, I would have to tell him to just move on.......or to get into counseling and deal with these "feelings" with a counselor, not you. You can't help him decide between you and OW!!!! He needed to have been firm about his decision before ever dragging you and your kids through the mud AGAIN!!!!!
I think taking him back once showed real courage on your part. But, to have to put up with all this wishy washiness on his part is just purely mean on his part, in my opinion.
Either he knows or doesn't know. If he doesn't know, then he needs to find out......and you aren't the one to help him with that.
I hope everything gets better.....one way or another. A heart can only take so much!!!!
This may or may not be a help to you. Just a few days ago I was reading about infidelity on marriagebuilders.com. In the article, the author stated these men are addicted to the OW, just as someone can be addicted to a drug. Once the affair is over, the addicted spouse goes into withdrawal. This can last from approx. 3 weeks to 6 months to a year. Encourage him to get help. It is too much to expect you to help him out of a situation he gladly went into on his own. Good luck.
My H is also having an A with a co-worker. He moved out a week ago to "sort things out". I have known about A since Oct. 2001 and my H has tried at least 6 times to end it with her. Unfortunately, he was unable to make it last and was drawn back to her each time. Now that he is out on his own, I am sure he is seeing her. Butterfly is right, they do become addicted to OW. Even though my H has seen his OW has lied to him, was contacting another guy while telling my H he was the only one, etc, he just couldn't stay away from her. She always manages to tell him some story that he believes. My H said he moved out because he doesn't want to hurt me any longer while he figures out what he wants. As much as I miss him, it has helped. I now don't ask him about her at all. I pretend she doesn't exist. It helps me a lot to do that. You should really insist that your H not talk to you about how he feels about the OW. He should speak to a therapist or someone else about it. It is not fair to you to hear these things. I have heard all these things from my H and they are the most painful things to hear. I cannot imagine what you must be going through after placing your trust in him enough to take him back. Let him know how you feel and tell him you don't need to hear any more about her. You and your children have been through enough.
I can somewhat relate, my W had an A and is now home, it's been three weeks and still nothing here either in the intimacy area from her direction. Although she doesn't even mention OM. I wonder if she's just thinking it and not saying it. We are getting along o.k. but, It hurts to not have any intimacy from her at all, no hug's, no kisses, no hand holding, not an I love you, NOTHING ! I am trying to ba patient as well, for the sake of our kids and wonderful past. My help to you, be patient, but do not let yourself be hurt, stand up for what you feel. Good Luck !
should I tell him how I feel? or should I just continue to give him space. He was supposed to start counseling yesterday but has a bad sinus infection and rescheduled. He didnt tell me for when and I didnt ask. When he first came back he was open to all my questions and now seems to want to not answer any more. If I do tell him how should I do it. I do not want to put pressure on him. I have no idea if he is in contact with her or not and I am afraid to ask. Sometimes it seems as if he wants me to tell him to go so he can go back to her. this is so hard.
My H an affair for five months with a former employee. I had no idea he was seeing someone else, because he would come home on the weekends from his apartment and we would be a family and H and I would have sex. I thought H was just taking some time off to get his life in order, work on his business and work on our marriage.
Although I hate the fact that he was with another woman, the truth is she helped us both focus on what was important and what we wanted. I could either be angry and divorced (which I did not want) or I could forgive H and work on my marriage. OW was not the cause of our problems, she was a symptom of what was wrong in our relationship. H learned some valuable lessons too. He learned that relationships take work and they need to be a priority. He realized that he had to be honest, trust worthy and committed to our marriage if he was going to be happily married.
I know you are hurting right now, but this is not about you. This is his choice. Don't let your self esteem go down hill because of H's A. Take care of yourself and become the best you possible.
H moved home the night I found out about the affair. He went over to OW home and told her it was over. I could see that H was having a hard time and as a friend I told him that I understood that he was hurting and that he was missing OW and that that was normal. It would take some time to get over the A, as well as deal with the guilt and shame he felt.
Know you are not alone, and that you can make it through this. DBing really works. My thread is in Newcomers and it is entitled Help Need Expert Advice to Deal with H.
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