I don't have to win. I do agree it isn't important to score points or to argue with someone who isn't interested in getting to the truth.
I am in a bad place in how I feel about him right now. I know I am supposed to love unconditionally. Some things have happened recently with his drinking and behavior in front of the kids that have completely disgusted us and I can't even post. I don't respect him. He knows how disgusting he has behaved and he can't even keep a promise to himself not to get drunk again or to drink in our home again.
AH, I wasn't aware that they could pass through stages and get to a point where a little bit could make them seem drunk. This could explain what is up with the behavior the last few days. Is there somewhere I could read about this?
Brue, I do so need to grow up. I'm at a point where I don't want to be around him, see him, talk to him, or even look at him. He is a weak, sick, disgusting man in my eyes. The idea that our former R is gone forever is sad only because I do not want a R with this man. I do believe God is telling me to hold on, but I'm terrified my heart is becoming hard toward my H. I can't find one single redeeming thing about him to want right now.
Bre, I know where you are coming from, but I'm not in a place to love him back right now. I know somewhere deep inside me there is still a flicker of love for who he was, I hope, but I've had enough. I'm sick to death of it all. I'm tired of acting "as if." He can't give me a single crumb if I do anything good, but he is over the top when he can find anything to critique. I don't know how to get past this.
I was wondering earlier today if how I feel about him is how he feels about me. Just dead inside.
I think somehow I've gone from the extreme of being desperate enough to do anything to save my marriage to not caring for him in the least. There has to be some middle ground I need to get to in order to stand for what I know is right. I just have to let that anger go and find my way there. I really do work on the anger, but it rears it's ugly head when he goes off on me, and knowing it will only make it worse if I respond makes me angry because then I feel like a doormat for not defending myself. AH is right, there is a part of me that wants to be right, but the better part of me knows to keep the peace.
Ughhhhh!!!!
"Tell me what you plan to do with your one wild and precious life." Mary Oliver
