I need support

[HSSweetheart]

I suppose. But sometimes the little things bother me more than other things. I have them for 3 days now. S11 has a school holiday dance tonite. Ahh, the memories...

[HSSweetheart]

I wish I could be optomistic. Every dealing with him is torture. This was all his doing - but then asks to use my pay pal account for an example. After ranting on about wanting independence. I told him to write a check out of his own account. Got mad at me. He started this, not me. I am just following "his" rules. But he only wants his rules when they benefit him. Then says he is going to get his own computer. So he won't have to deal with me, of course. He has less than $1000 to his name-literally. So I know someone offered a hand me down. I keep telling myself not to sweat the small stuff but so far it doesn't work. Everything hurts. S 11 went over there on Sat - my day - for the 3rd week in a row. ANd then wanted to go over Sunday as well. I flipped out. Only time I really get to spend any time with him and he wants to go w/H. Arghhhh. They just left for the night. So here I am alone again. Life sucks so bad. If there is a good side to all of this I would like to hear it.

[HSSweetheart]

Had a long hysterical crying emotional call to H last night that was really hard. I told him again that he ruined my life and the kids lives. He keeps telling me to talk to my brother and my neighbor. I told him I did not want to. And that Xmas is ruined. He says he tried - his favorite statement. But he did not, I assure you. Called someone from my group who says I just need to forget him. How do you do that? I am having the hardest time, time is not healing all wounds. I will never forgive him for what he has done to my family. Family is all I ever wanted in this life, now I don't have a Husband and my kids I only see half of the time. This disposable society has got to end. It is not right.

[cat03]

Remember, I've BTDT, I only want what's best for you and really know how you feel, with that in mind....

Stop the hysterics, when I felt like pulling my hair and howl in pain I'd call a friend, not just anyone, but one who is a sweet christian friends who would listen and support me, or would call my cousing who also had been on my very shoes and at the end got her H back. That person from your group is utterly useless, so dont' call him/her again.
Honestly, honey, have YOU looked at what did you do to the M that made it fall appart? have YOU seen how your attitude/voice etc etc might've push your H away? I would've been an angry wreck had I not looked back and realized how I had put my H in last place, that I didnt' treat him right nor was the wife I shouldve' been. My H was no saint had his share of the falling appart of our M, just like your H.
Leaving is not the best way to fix things either, but maybe he felt that was the only way to let himself be heard.

Think back, way back, at what was the root of your arguments, and even if yours where valid, disect them and ask yourself "did I really have to have things done THAT way?" "could've I been happy if I would've just let somethings go?"
Whenever you are about to say something emotional think first "is this going to make things better or worse?" Challenge your emotions, just because you feel something doesn't make it true, dont' think with your feelings.

I assume you haven't read "the proper care and feeding of Hs" . All your answers are there. I have a 4yr old who insist in accompanying me in the bathroom and a 9yr old who also insists on cracking the door open and still talk to me while I'm there, but I find time, we go to the library, I read, go to the playground, I read, put kids to bed on time and have time before bed to read.
You are still angry, so angry you are tearing down whatever chance you might have of getting back together. Christmas for example, he said he tried, and obviously you dont' think it is enough whatever it is he tried to do. Perhaps, whatever he was going to do was the only thing he is capable of doing, he prob is also hurt, very hurt.

Saying that Christmas is ruined just makes you look neurotic, negative reenforcement never works. The year my H and I were separated we still had christmas meals at both our family's respective homes. At his mom's my H was again like a zombie, arrived late, fell asleep after opening presents and wouldnt' say much. Was my Christmas ruined? hell no, I went there determined to have a good time regardless of H, *I* did not look bad, I was not the one who abandoned the home, so I went there with a smile on my face, was pleasant and tried to be happy with my kids. Not your picture perfect Christmas, but it was what it was and I made the best of what I had.

Yes, it is unfair, but you dont' have to be sucked down the hole of despair. I think you were seeing a C right? or a group? whatever you are learning there make it your mantra, concentrate on the positive, on building YOURself up.
Time won't heal your wounds, you can go on for months angry and hurting. You must decide to move on and be happy regardless. You say you will never forgive him, well, I must be a giant sucker then, I forgave my H leaving our home with all of our savings and then having an A. He hurted me in ways I never thought he'd do, I've hurted like hell, but I decided that the pain wouldnt drag me down, that I had to become a better person BECAUSE of it, that the fire of trials will produce a stronger person.

It is ok to feel bad and cry and vent, I'm not saying you shouldnt', but give grief its place, don't let it rule your mind 24/7. You are a beautiful person whom God loves dearly, who matter to Him, remember that, wake up each day and challenge it, fight it, lift your fist and dare the negative thoughts to push you down.
Make the most of the tiem you dont' have your kids, go running, volunteer, fill fill your time, being alone with your thoughts will drive you mad.
As for your son, if he wants to be with his father, let him, dont' scold him, remember how hurt and confused he must be, he's an older boy now and needs his father nearby, many people who leave dont' give a hoot about their kids, at least your H does have him and want him around, your boy needs that.

I pray you decide to be strong, to realize that with or without your H you can have a happy family, that a man doesn't define who you are and what kind of life you can live.

[HSSweetheart]

Yes, I have owned up to the things that I did that did not help the marriage. 2 yrs ago. Then I did a 180 and changed. I did not fight, I discussed. Etc, etc etc. Nothing however made a difference. In his mind the damage was done and nothing would erase the past I was told many times. So no matter if I became a saint it would not help. His statement "I tried" is not about xmas. He says that about the marriage in general. But in my mind he made no effort. Still refused to communicate. Wouldn't go to counselling, group, anything. Says he was doing it his way.

Sorry, I am a negative person and I just can't get over it. Perhaps if I had a choice in the matter I would look at it differently, but in my mind I did not and it is not fair to myself or my kids. Yesterday D8 said she wished he still lived at home. She said people have kids and then break up when the kids get bigger. I told her to discuss it with him, I was not the one who moved out.
Just when I think I seeing a light at the end of the tunnel I have another bad night like the other night. He took the kids on my night which started it, without arranging it with me first. I told him about it. He said at the beginning of the call he didn't have to listen to my crap anymore. So frustrating.

[HSSweetheart]

Today is a new day. I am starting over.

[HSSweetheart]

I had a good night. H came out ranting about D8's behavior. I just listened to him. That traveled into a few other things that I just listened to. He commented that he "had" to listen to me the other night. When he went in the house I prayed for strength. I had a good night with the kids, didn't think about things. I even sent out xmas e-cards. Now I have to survive seeing SIL on Saturday. Taking D8 to a concert for her xmas present. I will be cordial.

[cat03]

hmmm, sort of my sitch this year, I became a new person but still my H had a 2nd A because he wasn't really happy, perhaps it is something of the sort in your case, that no matter what we did THEY where unhappy still. I venture to think that perhaps your H, much like mine,has many issues and is unable to create a healthy connection with you or with anyone for that matter.
Someone on the piecing forum mentioned how, to heal a M you need two healthy individuals, perhaps 2yrs ago your H was just not fully ready nor able to give it his all. In a way I sort of understand, after years of neglect my H now is still unable to fully trust me (even though he was the one with the As) for so long I was not what I should've been in our M, and now he just doesn't believe. Still is sad though, that your H/my H hold grudges and not able to let go.

Yes, it is highly unfair, but for your own good, you must let go of that negativity that's eating you. We can't do anything to make them change their minds, to "make" them understand that all we want is a happy family and that we want to do our best, we can only change ourselves.
Sure it'd be nice if we could have a cooperating husband, but that's not the case, and it is what it is and we must make the best of it. You can be happy with just you and the kids, with the time you have with them, avoid bitter thoughts and comments, concentrate on you.

[HSSweetheart]

I am taking your advice to heart. I was kind to him yesterday. He came just before school was over to pick up S11. I gave him some salsa and chips I bought at Sam's club, as I got them mainly for him. He tried to pay for them and I gave it back. S11 and he had a hobby meet and afterwards called and asked if he could stay over there. I agreed. Today he was over all day and is staying again. I spent the last 24 hrs fighting a migraine and was incapacitated. In desperation I called H crying and asked if he could pick up my prescription, I knew I could not and it was the only thing that might stop the pain. He agreed. Took D8 to his sister's for a concert tonite so she didn't have to pick her up here. So now I am finally up and about and all alone. Just as well S11 isn't here, I couldn't enjoy his company so H said we will switch nights. Works out OK. But hopefully my kindness to him yesterday instilled the kindness he showed me today. That's the way I would like to keep it, you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. We'll see. I'm trying hard. No bad thoughts. Thanks for your support CAT!!!!!!!!

[cat03]

You are welcome, sounds like he is trying to be reasonable and being nice. There are bound to be bumps, times in the future when you'll feel like screaming, don't hold your breath hoping that there wont' b any more altercations, the key is HOW you deal with them when they come (because they will). We prove what kind of people we are during conflict, anyone is at their best when things are alright, but it takes a lot of character to keep your cool when things go bad, when people are ugly to you.

Now, think way way back, before kids, even before H, what were your interests? what did you like to do that you can begin doing again to fill the time when kids are away, find that balance within yourself.

If anyone asks me how am i doing, I say I'm doing fine, I'm just great--my sitch might not be going well, my M might not be the way it should be, but I have *peace* , the kind no one can take away, the kind that carries me through the worst things. Find your faith again, that's what gets me going everyday.