I feel like I pull the wagon while BB drags her feet, or she is content to sit there when no one pulls it because she is petting her cats and dogs.
LOLOL,Lou!
What can I say? I think I fell out of the cart, and when I wanted back in, someone took my place!
Anyway, good analogy, Miss IC. We always seem to gravititate to food ( not a good one with my history of an eating disorder) or animals ( which just plain confuse me) around here.
Thank you for the encouraging story about your sister. It really helps to hear of the success stories given our current situation.
I know I don't seem like it on here, but I am confident that we'll win this battle.
I get the same feeling from IC that you said your sister felt while on the chemo. The chemo knocks him for a loop, but the time in between treatments drives him nuts...like he feels like he's not doing anything to battle the cancer.
We're looking at surgery sometime after the 1st of the year...They're thinking somewhere after the 4th treatment. It's kind of a milestone for IC that he is looking forward to As much as you can look forward to a surgery like that I guess. I can see his POV though...he wants the cancer removed!
Thanks again Lou...keep the positive stories coming
But I find myself NOT wanting to be around IC as much. I love my time with him, but it just acts as a reminder of what could happen. When I'm working, or grocery shopping or whatever...my mind is away from the worries. kwim? This is sooooo sad for me because I know, I know this hurts his feelings....even though he'll never let on like it does
I appreciate your frankness-- these are difficult subjecte.
Are you SURE this hurts his feelings? I get the idea that he wants y'all's (yes, that is a real word) life to be as normal as possible. You don't have to stick together every single minute... if both of you can get away and do the things you would normally be doing if the cancer weren't in the picture, there's nothing wrong with that. Why WOULD you want to think of the cancer every single minute? Your desire to get away from thinking about the disease does not mean you are being disloyal to IC, kwim?
You don't have to stick together every single minute... if both of you can get away and do the things you would normally be doing if the cancer weren't in the picture, there's nothing wrong with that. Why WOULD you want to think of the cancer every single minute? Your desire to get away from thinking about the disease does not mean you are being disloyal to IC, kwim?
Lilly,
That is the problem...when I am around IC, that is the dominant thing on my mind...instead of just enjoying. So yes, I tend to avoid a little more than I normally would.
I have to catch myself when I'm around him. I find myself falling into that protective mode of "how is he feeling? He probably shouldn't be doing this, you need to rest, you're working out too much, you need to eat more etc...." He is constantly reminding me that he is good, feels good. I guess the only time I have to agree is when he's naked and I get to see the results of his working out Does this mean I need to keep his azz naked? or probably just buy him some new clothes for Christmas that actually fit his leaner, buff self
I think back to our Thanksgiving weekend and how special it was and how at ease I felt then...I'm just trying to get back to that place again. I want to be by his side but then the thoughts of the cancer creep in and I have to get away...so yes, I feel like I'm not being loyal to IC in this manner
I have to catch myself when I'm around him. I find myself falling into that protective mode of "how is he feeling? He probably shouldn't be doing this, you need to rest, you're working out too much, you need to eat more etc...."
Well, you're certainly right that you need to bite your tongue when you want to say stuff like this. It may be harder to control your thoughts. It would be different if IC weren't managing his health and taking care of himself. It sounds like he's on top of it pretty well.
I do bite my tongue...most of the time. The thoughts are still there and I've got a pretty good feeling that IC knows this..he's good about reading me, and thus his constant reassurance that he's ok.
I worry too much...just my style Lilly, he's always kept himself really well with the hockey and all, but he seems to have even stepped it up a notch or two since finding out about the cancer. He's mentioned on here about how he feels out of control when it comes to fighting this..like he's pretty much at the mercy of the cancer, the doctors etc.. maybe this is his way of gaining some of that control back. I can't stop him, so I guess I have to trust that IC will do what is best for IC, and he'll have sense enough to know when he needs a break. Trusting you IC, trusting you!
Lilly, Thank you for taking the time to help me. I tend to keep things bottled up inside until it finally the top blows off the bottle and things spill out. It's good to know that people like you are out there waiting with paper towels in hand to help contain the mess.
On a different note - how is your ankle doing? and the pain?
I've been thinking about what you've been telling me and I've been make a serious conscious effort to turn my feelings around. We've openly talked about this and I really have been avoiding IC. Kind of along that line of thinking that if you ignore a problem, eventually it will go away...problem is, this ain't going away at least not anytime soon.
You said that IC is probably trying to make things in our life as "normal" as they can possibly be given the situation....they haven't been normal. Normal to me would mean spending time with my husband, good quality time with him. Maybe or maybe not more time, but definitely not less time...which is what I have been doing and subconsciously making an effort to do so.
Every since IC came out about the cancer, I've showed it, I've said it, I've felt it...I've conveyed that IC is fragile and I've made MYSELF believe that over and over. Maybe down the road there will come a time when he is...now is NOT that time, and I've got to convince myself of that. I mean right now he's....he's...well, he's IC. If the circumstances (unrelated to the cancer) were a little different, he'd still be out on the ice getting pounded and knocked on his azz by 200lb men....cancer and all.
Sunday we received a pretty hefty snowfall and we had the whole day at home, just IC, the girls and I....a big emotional test for me and trying to clear out this way of thinking. I may have taken the proving to myself that IC is not fragile a little TOO extreme Him and the girls were out playing in the snow and I took the opportunity to sneak up on him and with all the might and leverage this little 110lb body could muster, I planted him into the snow, gave him a real good white washing and bolted back to the house. It felt good!!!!
Later that evening, as I held him, I let my emotions pour out for a good 15 or 20 minutes. I didn't get the massage like you suggested, but it was a nice release just the same.
I know you guys are probably all tiring of hearing my sob stories but this has really been hard for me. Compared to many, I've been somewhat fortunate in that I have thus far lived a sheltered life of not having to deal with things like this....please bear with me.
Miss IC, we're not tired of hearing your stories... that's what this place is for.
Quote:
Maybe down the road there will come a time when he is [fragile]...now is NOT that time, and I've got to convince myself of that.
You don't have to convince yourself of this; you just have to ACT as if you believe it. You can't control your feelings-- they just arise from inside you. But you can control how you treat him, what you say, how you act. I think playing in the snow and then crying later with him is a very good way of handling this.
Make IC swear on a stack of hockey pucks that if he does need help or starts feeling "fragile," he will tell you, and until then, don't treat him as fragile. Just hold on to yourself.
I know that one of the things that's bothering you is that he WILL start to slip and HE WON'T TELL YOU, just as he didn't tell you about the cancer. SEE WHAT YOU CREATED, IC, BY NOT LEVELING WITH HER???
But if you can get him to assure you that he will not hold back in the future, then can you give him some room to be normal?
I know that one of the things that's bothering you is that he WILL start to slip and HE WON'T TELL YOU, just as he didn't tell you about the cancer. SEE WHAT YOU CREATED, IC, BY NOT LEVELING WITH HER???
Lill,
This is what I'm afraid of. It was hard enough to get him to go to the hospital for his knee...and look what happened with that. He didn't come out with the cancer until the last moment when he could not really hide it anymore. I'm afraid that if there was a way for him to have hid that and gone through this without having to tell me, he would have. I know I worry too much, and he doesn't worry enough. F*ck, I don't think he really worries at all...except how I'm going to feel and react and that he has to hide and protect me from things.
I know this is going to the extreme, but it would not surprise me in the least that if things did get bad for him...I would never know it and then one day he would be gone. I admire that he does not want to expose me to the hurt and grief, but at the same time, it makes me feel almost as an outsider. kwim? IC, I vowed to share in the good times....and the bad
I absolutely totally get what you're saying, Miss IC. And it seems to me that your apprehension is justified.
Well, IC, what do you have to say for yourself? Can you include Miss IC in your world? Do you realize that by shutting her out you are NOT protecting her... she's your partner and she wants to walk this path with you. Your intentions were honorable and I really understand your wanting to hold back, but do you see what her fear is? That you will withhold too much and leave her out in the snowbank alone?
I know that toward the end of his life my H did know he was slipping, and I only found this out after he died. People told me that he had shared some of his fears with them-- but not with me. I don't know if that was because we had retreated some from each other, or because just a month before he died I had lost a dear friend and was reeling from that. I'll never know until I get to ask him myself one day. It's natural to want to keep some of our fears to ourselves, partly to avoid alarming the other person, partly it's to protect ourselves... once you speak these things out loud they seem so much more real. Y'all have to find a balance between sharing every little anxiety and withholding too much.
As much as you can look forward to a surgery like that I guess. I can see his POV though...he wants the cancer removed!
Does this mean I need to keep his azz naked? or probably just buy him some new clothes for Christmas that actually fit his leaner, buff self 
Him and the girls were out playing in the snow and I took the opportunity to sneak up on him and with all the might and leverage this little 110lb body could muster, I planted him into the snow, gave him a real good white washing and bolted back to the house. It felt good!!!! 