Sun Facing Reality 5

[forward]

Sun,
Oh goody. Someone else who is all about ME. Oh, I mean, YOU.

Here was my DB C's advice: she said I had to find ways to get rid of anger. If you are angry, you can't be friends, if you are not friend syou cannot become romantic and hope to restore things.

So if you can try to get away from things he does that make you angry, try to ignore them, try not to boil with resentment, that will be healthy for you.

It has helped me, even if I do not restore M. I do not have a lot of hope, to be honest with you. But I found that draining off the anger helps YOU.

[almosthopeful]

(((Sun))),

I really just want to say hi and Merry Christmas to you.

About your sitch...who would guess that once we finally get to the point that we want them gone, they won't leave!

Hugs to you and the kids. Do you have a special interesting Christmas outing planned for when they are both around???

Hugs again,
AH

[brueniap]

I hear some new strength coming out of your voice, dear Sun. Doesn't mean you've quit standing.........it means you're beginning to stand for YOU. You have to. We all get to a point where there's only so much we can take and then we stand up for it.

Even if he doesn't leave I see that you'll be taking stronger action in your own home. If you have to live with the insanity you must learn to make it tolerable for you. Your H is beyond your help. You can not save him.

Concentrate on you............not new words......I know...but I feel like you are beginning to say "screw you" in your own special way. It gives you a bit of strength to stand up to the abuse.

You need peace, Sun. Don't be ashamed to grab for it. It doesn't mean you've failed at all...it means you are growing.

it's time for peace.

you are loved,

brue

[Sunflower23]

Hi friends,

I do hope this is a big growth spurt for me.

Tonight D18 and I met H for dinner. He had some beer but not as much as usual. He may have stopped somewhere on the way home. I don't know. He was driving us all home. There were 3 turns to get back to the apartment. When he was about to pass the first one I said "you need to turn here." He said NO I DON't! D18 said yes you do. He turned. We got to the next turn and I mentioned this was our turn. He turned. We got to the next one and I said you missed the turn. He said no I didn't. Then he proceeded to rant at me in front of D18 that "why does it matter anyway. You only care because it's not YOUR way! this way is better." and he went the long way around to our apartment.

He had been in a good mood and turned on me instantly. Now, I've always had to give him directions when we are going places because he never knows his way around. It's always been a joke between us. I don't do it to be a know-it-all. I usually will just gesture with my hand when we come up on a turn and he'll turn. He has actually, many times, turned the wrong way leaving our subdivision. It's just the way he is.

I guess now it's become another "control" issue. I assume in the future the best route will be to let him pass our turns and let him drive on for a while and figure out he's messed up. Then I'll probably hear that I should have said something.

Anyway, it was humiliating. I was furious, but bit my tongue rather than get into it because it is a total waste of time. He NEVER apologises. Then he comes in and gets a beer out of the fridge that S23 has had in there for weeks. Hides it beside his chair at the computer and drinks it. You see, he had told me several days ago that he would NEVER drink at home again. It was a commitment he had made to himself.

He's even lying to himself now.

D18 whispered to me after we got out of the car "He talks to you like you're a kid."

I'm going to end up hating him, I'm afraid. I really am. It goes against everything I believe. I can't stand the sight of him and I "act as if" all the time when he's around and I don't want to anymore.

I'm sick of him. (What I really want to say is "I hate him.")

Pray for me Brue. . .

[short1]

My H always gets lost. When he was younger I used to help out, but after he got older he hated it. Same scenes as you. Finally I decided it was because he felt bad about himself. It embarrassed and frustrated him that he got lost. My "helping" just made him more aware of his own (perceived) failure.

I started to say nothing. I told him, if you need my help, just ask. Then I sat back and enjoyed the ride, even if it was a bit long.

[Sunflower23]

Short1,

I was leaving him alone and letting him get lost quite often. Just sitting there keeping my mouth shut. I don't know what made me decide to "help" this evening, but it won't happen again. He'll see it as putting me in my place. That's the only part I hate. He loves the power it gives him, in his own mind.

Hugs,
Sun

[short1]

I know. I have gotten to the place that I just let go of everything he is doing and focus on what I want. I don't just mean I want my marriage, I mean what kind of person do I want to be. I don't want to be in a power struggle.

Power struggles are like voodoo, it only works if you believe it. I other words don't take the bait. If you feel "put in your place" even a little bit the struggle goes on. The fact that you hate it says you are still in the struggle. Just let him win. Nothing is more unrewarding then winning when some one lets you. Thats all it takes. To do it, remind yourself, its not a competition, no one is really winning or getting power.

[almosthopeful]

Power struggles are like voodoo, it only works if you believe it. I other words don't take the bait. If you feel "put in your place" even a little bit the struggle goes on. The fact that you hate it says you are still in the struggle. Just let him win.

short--I really like the way you put that, and it is lesson I too need to be reminded of.

Sun,
what a weird ride home...do you think he was really lost, or maybe in a blackout. The sudden nastiness, combined with the getting lost, could mean a blackout. He has been such a heavy drinker for so long, he may have passed through his high tolerance stage and has slid down the hill to where he has very low tolerance for the alcohol. That would mean that very little alcohol changes his personality and even puts him into a blackout. Just a thought.

OTOH, I find that my XH has started to get defensively argumentative over odd and small things...a new thing for him...so maybe it is just another stage of MLC.

At any rate, I'm sure you know better than I that the only recourse you have for your resentment is to pray for him to have happiness. I start my prayer for the SOW with "Dear God, you know I don't mean this, but I'm going to pray it anyway..."

I still say that sometimes, taking the high road is not all it is cracked up to be.

Hugs,
AH

[hopefloats7]

Sun,

My advice: Say NOTHING. If he makes a wrong turn, let him. He'll figure it out. Let him get lost; he's the one driving.
He doesn't want you to "mother" him that way; that is why he got upset. I am not defending his meanness, but I can look at this from a distance and see he doesn't want to be told when he's making a mistake. Let him make the wrong turns and correct them himself.
SAY NOTHING.
love,
Hope

[brueniap]

Sun -
I will pray for you today. I know where you are...it is, indeed, a growth spurt. You won't hate him forever......but you need to be separate from this man somehow.

I do agree to let him make the wrong turns. I can tell you, without a doubt, and as firm as my life is about things - that it is truly all about control. Your H is worse than many. Nasty and mean. But control.........what an issue. It's huge, especially with the male ego. Sorry....don't mean to be "bashing" the males........but ego is HUGE. Even down to a simple turn in the "right" direction.

it's not worth it.........but one of these days you will get to the point where you will no longer say anything about anything to him any more. I see you growing.

I remember a huge arguement with my first H. It was so huge and big and stupid and mean and from that day forth I set my mind that it would never happen again and he would never get my heart again to beat down like that. He never did. And we divorced...but not for that reason.

I determined, also, that I would learn to not shut myself off like that again because walls are tough to break back down. There is a middle road. You don't want to become bitter and angry like your H is now. But you do want to just move out of the way cuz the steam-roller's a-comin'. Save yourself the frustration by cutting off the stream of bullsh!t that happens when you "correct". You know an argument will come now. It's not like the old days. The old days no longer exist Sun. That husband is gone. It will be a long time, if ever, before he returns.

I think we LBS keep hanging on that the R we had is somehow going to return if we stand. No, it doesn't. It's different, but what you had is lost. It has been destroyed.

That doesn't have to be depressing tho. You can grow and bloom just like the cactus in the desert. That's what God does for us. You keep going in the direction you're going. I see you getting fed up. Your "fed-upness" will help you grow into the strong woman you need to be to handle this situation.

I love you, and you will be in my prayers today.


brue