You said do you remind me of something or someone. My answer to that would be no. Why am I cold. I wouldn't say I am cold. Just trying to attempt to get you to look at things from a different perspective. Like the way your husband may be feeling and why.
I guess I still don't understand why you think I'm not seeing things from a different perspective. All I see are different perspectives, thus my confusion. I'm assuming you don't appreciate my waffling or questionable commitment to the M. I can't do anything about that. I need to make my own choices and mistakes and learn the hard way, don't we all. I still think you are not being completely honest though. I don't know your whole backstory but I see you also post on the Infidelity board. My assumption was that maybe you are transfering some feelings onto me regarding your own situation. That's pretty common and no harm done. I hope things work out for you.
LFL, I am so sorry to see this thread and read what you are going through. I have been in and out with your history. Though, I get the feeling that your H just detaches in a "close your eyes and it does not exist" type of way. Ironically, his behaviors, from your perspective at least, seem to be rooted in good nature. It is so hard to read about your M failing when there are still roots of sincerity still there. Yes, your H is clearly loosing his grip on the motivation to work as he demonstrated with his comments. After all this work you have put in, he knew that "platonic" would be a dagger butterflying your heart. Of course you are hurt! He understood the meaning of his words. The question is, were those the words of a man giving up or just the words of an insensitive idiot lashing out?
Brian M comes out of the woodwork again! Good to hear from you. Hope things are working out in your won M. And you are so right about my H "closing his eyes so it doesn't exist." That is so him. Even this morning before he left to run errands he was normal as could be. I guess I have been to. Weird considering our last serious discussion. But that's where we are now I guess.
[ Best to stick to the all things chocolate category.
There's the old LFL!
LFL, Your H doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't recognize the depth of your wounds ( I could write a book about this). Making that comment...well, he didn't realize how much he opened everything up again. My personal experience is that my H doesn't realize the hurtful stuff...he just moves on...but it is MY responsibility to let him know...and I do....I bang him over the head with this stuff if I have do ( after Ipull myself from my cozy retreat in the wounded corner).
I know you don't have it in you do initiate the lionness/sexy stuff ( hey, either do I), but how about a sneaky snowball launch??? and then jumping on him. It's friendly aggressive stuff! Go have fun with him and the kids, LFL! ( and give me the chocolates).
Your H doesn't want to lose you, but he doesn't recognize the depth of your wounds
That's it exactly. How could he understand? Maybe that is why I am bringing up separation now, subconsciously I want him to feel how horrid I felt? Maybe. I tell myself I don't want to hurt him but I'm sure a small part of me likes to see him in pain over the possibility of me ending it this time. Not good. But honest I think.
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know you don't have it in you do initiate the lionness/sexy stuff ( hey, either do I), but how about a sneaky snowball launch??? and then jumping on him. It's friendly aggressive stuff! Go have fun with him and the kids, LFL! ( and give me the chocolates).
But I hate snow RJ. No, I am going to sit in front of the fireplace with my chocolates (just got jumbo size bag of peanut butter filled M&Ms for the occasion)and veg out. Actually I'll incorporate your playful advice and I'll try and beem H in the head with as many chocolates as I can. That should work.
I'll never love again, I am an island, I am rock, I am Alpha Male stuff... has its limits.
I have said repeatedly, I am not an alpha male. I have no desire to be. even Mojo told me I need to integrate alpha and top. the rest is a lame attempt. I am a human. I need and have family, friends and R's. I was a placating wuss who lost his W when she lost her attraction. Stop changing the focus.
Yes, you ARE human, but, to me, your writing did not reflect that in your post to LFL.
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So what's he waiting for? LFL doesn't have to go with him. She doesn't have to approve. He can go do what he needs to do to feel he has done everything to save his marriage.
He isnt here. she is. so why are you talking about what he should do?
Because, as LFL reported, that is what HE SAID to her. So, if I were LFL, I'd say to him, "You don't have to wait on me." Again, as you say, talk is cheap. My comment had nothing to do with whether he is posting here or not.
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This is so convoluted and contradictory its ridiculous. The best I can decipher you are mixing me and Mr, you and LFL into one example. Do you want to drown this in the minutia of ass covering and should bes, try to argue with me, and be tough pointy shoe wearing Corri, or do you want to give LFL some real insight into the pain and life upheaval and self destructive behavior, that comes in the wake of a D.
Didn't sound convoluted to me. As an LD, it sounds like he's pushing off responsibility for all M fixing and piss poor sex life onto LFL... because he IS willing to accept the M/SL as platonic. That is a typical LD deflect. So is saying that he'd go to counseling. Let's SEE some ACTION on his part.
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Please point out one instance of my disrespect. If you truly think I disrespect women, you should implement a boundary and not call me friend.
Now look who is dropping 'shoulds.' I can take care of my own actions, friend, thanks.
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I do not disrespect women. That doenst mean I respect toddlers who run with scissors. I do what needs to be done before they fall down and jab their eye out, even if the necessary steps causes them to stop laughing and cry. Personally I think your projecting.
How you posted to LFL, to me, was incredibly disrespectful. That's IMHO. If she doesn't have issue with it... okay. But when you say, as an example of how you DON'T disrespect women "That doens't mean I respect toddlers who run with scissors. I do what needs to be done before they fall down and jab their eye out, even if the necessary steps causes them to stop laughing and cry."
Sounds to me like you are comparing women to toddlers who must be taken to task. Not as adults who are capable of claiming accountability for their own actions. LFL, to me, is doing a lot of venting here... but I think she is also owning her behavior, and I don't hear her 'blaming' her H for any decision she may or may not make. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me like she struggling with her thoughts/opinions/actions on the matter, and she is being HONEST about it. That's how we women typically work through things.
And no, I'm not projecting onto you. At least that was not my intent. If that is how you heard it, how I came across... sorry.
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In traditional marriage vows, the man doesn't say respect and honor. He says cherish and protect. What that implies, is that it may take work and effort to accomplish what is said by the vow giver. Lord knows Ive made it clear I dont FEEL why I have to protect a woman from OM and maintain fences.
So what? I personally think that statement you made up there is a load of crap. But your statement and my opinion of it has nothing to do with LFL. Your vows may not have said that. Great. And just because YOU see it that way, doesn't mean that LFL does, or even that her H does. So I'm thinking that maybe YOU are the one who is doing the projecting here.
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I would hazard a guess women dont FEEL why they have to show respect and honor. If your next post contains ill aimed jabs at me, or what Mr. should be doing, its going to be a onesided convo.
Yes, it is a guess on your part. And thanks for the warning.
LFL, Brian wrote: "He understood the meaning of his words. The question is, were those the words of a man giving up or just the words of an insensitive idiot lashing out?"
I don't mean to belabor this, but I truly don't believe your "inability to forgive" is just coming from you. I think he deliberately wanted to hurt you with these words, and that means there is unfinished business re The Departure. Yeah, he has apologized, etc., but have those apologies really reached your heart?
I have a bouquet full of ideas on boundaries and tending fences and forgiveness which I may or may not get to on Monday. But first, threadjack alert: ...shoutout to blackfoot ...the "traditional wedding vows" of which denomination say "cherish and protect" for the groom and "respect and honor" for the bride? The scholar in me (or the cat, take your pick) must know, and I am simply clueless. With link, if possible. Thank you.
Edit to add: nothing to do with LFL or her sitch, just my personal quest to know everything.
Survived the snow storm and now the kids and I have a snow day! Yippee, no work. Boo hoo, stuck inside with kids again for another 24 hours. Love the kids and all but I was really hoping they had school today. It's been a long weekend as it is. At least the power didn't do off, could be worse.
Going back a few posts:
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How you posted to LFL, to me, was incredibly disrespectful. That's IMHO. If she doesn't have issue with it... okay. But when you say, as an example of how you DON'T disrespect women "That doens't mean I respect toddlers who run with scissors. I do what needs to be done before they fall down and jab their eye out, even if the necessary steps causes them to stop laughing and cry."
Sounds to me like you are comparing women to toddlers who must be taken to task. Not as adults who are capable of claiming accountability for their own actions. LFL, to me, is doing a lot of venting here... but I think she is also owning her behavior, and I don't hear her 'blaming' her H for any decision she may or may not make. As a matter of fact, it sounds to me like she struggling with her thoughts/opinions/actions on the matter, and she is being HONEST about it. That's how we women typically work through things.
I think that is a valid point Corri. I'm trying to be honest and if that comes off as someone who is making stupid decisions or appears to be "running with scissors" than so be it. I need to work through those mistakes on my own. I used to question why H doesn't seem to be "rescuing me" from my behavior but I don't think that a man really can. I've been questioning a lot this weekend and I think you may be right, it actually can come off disrespectful or paternalistic to the woman. The strange thing is (if I'm honest) it can be sort of a turn-on to have a man act like that but I don't think that is a long-term solution. It is kind of infantalizing and I'd probably rebel anyways down the road. I don't know.
No, I am going to sit in front of the fireplace with my chocolates (just got jumbo size bag of peanut butter filled M&Ms for the occasion)and veg out. Actually I'll incorporate your playful advice and I'll try and beem H in the head with as many chocolates as I can. That should work. 
I don't know.