Pregnant and abandoned #3

[NikB]

Stop answering his calls. Period. Then you don't NEED any strength to stop these conversations.

Make whatever financial arrangements you need to make, figure out any other "business" things that need to be resolved, and then stop contact completely until you get yourself together.

Picture that analogy of him running as you pursue. How far away do you want to chase him? How fast do you want him to run? If you keep this up he'll be running so fast he won't even stop to look over his shoulder at you.

And if you continue to let him crush you, when/if he DOES look back over his shoulder, he's going to see a desparate, crying, sad, totally unattractive person. Is that who you really want to be??? I don't think so - you are stronger and you are better than that.

STOP ANSWERING HIS CALLS!!

He can email you, can he not??? That gives you time to calm down before you reply and even possibly post here for help with editing.

If you are too weak to just let it go to voicemail, consider going as far as getting a new phone number. Don't get a "forward" put on the old one. Then make a goal to NOT CALL HIM for a set period of time. That puts you back in control. I'd also get it blocked from showing your # on caller ID - so that when you do talk to him via phone it will still be 100% on your terms.

I would probably tell him that you've done this so he doesn't totally freak out given the baby - but tell him that you're changing your phone number, and that all contact is to be via email. Don't make it about him or a big "in your face" thing.. if he pushes you for an answer just say that you need to take care of yourself and need the space for now.

Then I'd make a goal for yourself on when you do contact him again - maybe time based, but even better would probably be emotion based. I.e. when you have had a certain number of good weeks in a row.

I sincerely hope you did NOT give in and have sex w/him.

[Startingover2]

Wow...Nik I thought you were talking to me. Its what I need to do as well. Very good post.

I have been saying all along that making whatever contact there is on your terms gives you back something that was taken....your self esteem and some control of your life. I doubt it will make or break him coming back.

He is a cake eater blindsided. He hasn't had to deal with any consequences of his actions yet. He has 2 women at his disposal. What a perfect world for a loser, dysfunctional guy! Back off and let him see you took yourself out.

[NikB]

Startingover2 - glad it was helpful for you, too.

This is SO true:

I have been saying all along that making whatever contact there is on your terms gives you back something that was taken....your self esteem and some control of your life. I doubt it will make or break him coming back.

And wanted to add.. you can do a LOT of damage in a day or a week, but the healing / reconciliation is not going to be impacted anywhere near that quickly... a few weeks of terrible contact could break everything (not to mention dig your own emotional hole deeper), but no contact will not make or break anything that quickly.

[blindsided1]

Ok, weekend is here. I will try again to do the business contact only thing. It is so damn hard. I know you know that. I read JennyF thread and it makes me sad that you've been pulling away and doing really well and still feel so blue. And, even though, more times than not, I feel not so great after talking to him or seeing him. It somehow seems better than the alternative of not seeing him. Right now he is a totally different person, but every once in a while I get a glimps of who he was with me and I miss it. I know it's in there.

[JennyF]

Blindsided,
We ALL have bad days. I try to ensure that the good days outnumber the sad days. This will come for you in time as well.

The sadness I feel is for my old H...for our old M. For my family to be back together. None of this is possible with the person he is now. He has to go through this if we a chance and ufortunately for me that it going to mean having sad days

It can be discouraging to be working so hard at all the things I need to like detaching and DB'ing and to not see results. But that is where I have to keep reminding myself that the key ingredient in all of this is TIME. So what I need is patience. On my sad days...I post here. I let it out and get support from the friends I've made.

Don't be sad by reading my post. Did you also read the encouraging responses that were posted to me? Those words help me so much.
I find it really helpful for my own PMA to post to other people with encouraging things. It's usually easier to say it to someone to else than to say it to myself. When you read a post where you feel sad for someone...respond to them in their thread. Offer some encouraging words or maybe something that you've read from another thread. Say the things that you know you should be telling yourself. It helps...trust me.
J~

[lizzy]

Blindsided,
A lot of people had wise words for you yesterday. I know how hard it is to not answer the phone. Yesterday my H called me to tell me my brother was try to get in touch w/ me. I was talking to my bro at the time and didn't answer H's call. When I listened to his voicemail I found out he just called to tell me bro was calling. I could have called H to say thanks, I talked to him, he wanted to tell me xyz. Instead I didn't call at all. I actually felt a sense of power over not calling.

Yes you are going to feel blue. We all do but we work to have positive days. You can read about some really bad days in my thread but I try to use those as a reason to move on and get stronger. When I am feeling really down I know it is time to give myself a kick in the pants and do something.

[blindsided1]

Yesterday wasn't so horrible. But, then there is today. I didn't wake up sad. But, it didn't take long to get there. My niece was with me and she was telling me what she was going to make my H (her Uncle) for Christmas. My niece and nephew don't know that we're separated, yet. They have had a lot of loss in the last year and I just can't bring myself to tell them that someone they really love is gone, again. She had gone Christmas shopping with my Mom later in the morning and when she got back showed me something she bought for my H and that she paid for it with her own money. It took all I had not to cry in front of her. He has hurt a lot of people with this decision. A lot more than just me and the baby. I went out to do Christmas shopping and realized that I wasn't shopping for him this year. Then the thought of him not being there Christmas morning and not having his stocking to fill overcame me. Then it moved to the fact that he has OW to share Christmas with and has a stocking there I bet and he will be with her. Then of course, I run down the fact that he isn't with me, I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and it's hard for me to see that he would ever come home. I hate him, I miss him, I love him, I can't believe he did this. I can't believe he could be so insensitive to tell me how "they" are going out of town for the 1st of the year. I try to figure out how we got here. I just feel so incredibly sad that he didn't give us a chance at a family. I'm so sad that he isn't here and won't be here at the holidays with me. I hate that it hurts all the time. I beg God to make it stop hurting and bring him home. Soon.