Ok, well there isnt anything new to report as of yesterday because I have not had any contact with her. I am debating whether or not to call her tonight because I know she will be working her ass off at her house cleaning for tommorow because all her family will be over. If I call her I can get her a break from her duties, and it will maybe give me a chance to show I care about her.

Its just that she is talking to a lot of her new friends now and I feel like Im not part of that and I want to be. She confuses me so much. She is not the typical woman in my opinion. She is very stubborn and I feel like if I ignore her, she will be like fine, whatever. I can play this game too. But if I am too open with her, she might feel like Im suffocating her.

I dont understand this though!! How can a woman who was upset because we couldnt see eachother every single minute of the day go to feeling Im suffocating her?! Part of me feels like talking to her again because I feel like we never really discussed things that are going on now.

We talked about how this started, and about things we were doing wrong during the break but never really tried to work up a solution to this. Im so confused and upset. I miss her. I miss just hanging out with her and doing nothing. We did everything together and it was always assumed we would see eachother practically every night. She showed me and still does, a side of her I know she does not show to even her closest friends. We discussed baby names for when we are married and where we would live and just fantasized about it in every way.

Where did she go to? The 2 people who are mostly involved in this situation, my counsler and my good friend Garret who also knows January through his GF, they both seem to think she is going through some issues she needs to work out in her life and that is why she is acting differently and even rebelling and that I need to be supportive for her and be her friend during this time but its so hard because I feel like anything I do to be friendly, she looks at it as an advance.

I dont know anymore. I know I only started DB'ing in early November so maybe I need more patience and faith? One thing I may need to do is show her I have more of a social life.

For instance I asked her to see the new lord of the rings movie with me but she is busy latley and also didnt want to see it when it first opened to avoid the crowds. I mentioned it to her last night and she told me to go see it and not to wait for her. I guess that is a case of me making myself too available for her and not moving on.

Also, we discussed new years eve. I asked if she would be home and she said yes. I said part of me wants to go out sometime but another part wants to stay home. She told me I should go with her sisters because they are going into NYC and I said I dont think I will, and she then replied, I bet if I was going you would go.

Apparently I am still showing neediness towards her in the little contact we do have but I dont know how. Or maybe she just doesnt believe my actions are true yet. My counsler notices that when I back off or especailly the 2 times I went to visit a friend out of state my GF made more solid attempts of reaching out for me.

Part of me feels like she wants to keep me around deep down so when she is sorted things out, I will be there for her, but another part of me has no idea what she wants. Im so lost. I am lost without her. I love her so much and not being close to her is killing me. Sorry to sound so down. I guess the holidays got me in a rut and Im scared for valentines day and out anniversary in February.

Maybe Ill stop by the church tonight. It cant hurt to say another prayer I guess right?

Anything worth having is worth working HARD for! Making a New Move