All Hope is lost/Help - Part 2

[25yearsmlc]

Dear Dis,

Here comes what we Yanks call a "2 x 4", and I could be wrong, but get ready...

You are pursuing, again. He said his peace and all you had to do was say "thanks, I've learned a lot too." End of story. Why invite him out to "talk" more R talk when he just poured out more to you than he has in years? NO R TALK FROM YOU....

Why say it's okay/you'll "respect" it if he isn't ready??? Of course it's okay as you have no control over that, and guess what? HE IS NOT READY OR HE"D BE HOME BY NOW...please, please, every time you make some progress you suck the life out of it. Let him be. He'll reach out to you if and when the time comes. Understand this if you understand nothing else, IMHO....rushing and pushing can ONLY hurt or be neutral in terms of changing things between an LBSer and a WAS. Taking your time and backing off just helps, or possibly has no effect. I can't see ANY benefit and ONLY HARM by you grabbing and yanking him back the second he looks your way. OMG, please, there are good things he's realizing but you have to just let him figure this out without nodding and saying you feel the same, etc and then asking him out...LOSING ALL EXPECTATIONS means no invites to him other than the minimum "co-parent" ones. He said he only wants a professional relationship with you, and a parental partner relationship. He also said he wants to be friends someday. For now, take those words at face value. Deal with him ONLY as a co-parent and business partner and maybe someday long from now, as a friend.
Let him see you with NEW behaviors, 180s, etc. Take a class, start a physical activity you've never done, or something different and new for YOU...

That doesn't mean you don't listen to him if he's really digging deep, but otherwise, just be too busy for small talk and end the phone calls before he does. And don't make any calls to him unless it's urgent regarding the kids, because they can call him with everything else. You can email him business matters. There's little reason for you to call him at this time, let alone invite him to the home except when he's picking up the kids AND initiates contact with you, IF you feel like it. Frankly, I'd hold off with the possible exception of Christmas Eve or morning IF that's something you guys can handle. Then, if it happens, focus on the KIDS...Not him or how he's looking at you or what he says or eats, etc.

You could tell him, BRIEFLY, that he's making it harder for you to move on with all the contact. To keep it limited to the scope of what he says he wants with you, which is not marriage. Thank him for helping you with that and end the note. Nothing mean or punitive. Just self respect and protection. And a signal...to him and you.

I know you miss him and this is the holiday time. I have been where you are. Remember that in a way you're waiting for his love to resurface fully, but when you start to see it under the "water", you grab at it and he dives back down...Let him swim to you, let him choose, let him be the man, if you know what I mean. Can you trust that the love he once had is still there? If it is, it'll resurface if you let it. If it isn't, then you're better off knowing now than 5 years from now. You cannot MAKE him love you. But you know this.

I hope this helps you. Can you give yourself a timeline for backing off, such as NO invites for one month? (I know, I know, you believe you "HAVE" to invite him every Sunday, etc....but you don't have to). It just seems you're taking the scraps he's sending you, which is by his own admission, all he has been giving your family for years; leftovers of his energy and love after his "important work" used up his time...
You deserved better. He knows it. Now, act like it. Kind, listening like a lover if he calls, but without ANY expectations or invites or guilting or neediness or clinging and NO telling him you love him or miss him, etc. That is clinging and needy by definition. And be HAPPY and upbeat and a Woman Only A Fool Would Leave...you can do this.
j-