NikB's latest update (#23)

[Trixi]

Well, I for one am very interested to hear how tonight goes.

Feels good that he wants those things from me.. wants me involved in his life.. and is giving me more in return.

Out of curiousity, if he said that he did want a D, would you still want to be involved in his life? Would you want to give him those things?

[NikB]

Hey Trixi - thanks for stopping by!

Tonight went ok... kind of weird, but ok. It actually seems positive but I am so afraid to even hope for that anymore.

I could be totally crazy.. but I feel like we both want more - and we even want it from each other - but it's just not there right now. (I'm sure you can relate). I seriously feel like we're soo close but we're both just missing something. What? Wish I could answer that.

All in all it was very positive I think, but my brain is kinda dwelling on the confusion/negatives at the moment.. working on quieting that down.

H came home kind of late - had gone out for drinks with some co-workers which wasn't a surprise. What WAS a surprise is he made a really big deal about who went. First he was telling me names (all umprompted by me) - a lot of times it'll be generically "friends from work", or he'll tell me some people who came but kind of obviously "omit" the name(s) that he knows would pi$$ me off. Tonight he listed them all then said "Yeah, that was it - they heard it was my birthday and all the guys came out!" (emphasized "guys").

Some history.. last year he had broken things off with OW(#1) shortly before his BD. She happens to also kinda be the social coordinator for the shop, brings in the cake for everyone's BD, etc. Last year after he told her to back off, she made it very clear throughout the shop that she WAS NOT doing anything for his BD. And didn't.. and he was pretty hurt by it. Not because it was "her" per se but because everyone else got a fun birthday and he didn't (they make a BIG deal about birthdays there so it was a pretty obvious slap in the face I think).

So... this year... according to H, no one even knew or acknowledged it was his BD until mid-afternoon when he told a couple of the guys, and they put together this happy hour thing last minute. I KNOW she still works there and knows his BD and he considers her a friend again.. not to mention the other brief EA he had with another co-worker... so that whole thing surprised me. He said something along the lines of "Aw man no one knew it was my BD AGAIN!" But was excited so many people came to happy hour - and thanked me again for the cake (and said he was glad he DIDN'T take it to work because this way he could have it all to himself.. thought that was cute).

All fairly positive right? But then at dinner there were some really awkward moments that I didn't quite know what to do with. First one was that his Dad invited him (well apparently us) to dinner for H's BD on Sat. night. He kept talking about it and I was just listening and interested.. but he was acting funny. Finally figured out why when he said "Soooo.. did you want to go too? I'd like it. If you want." It's like he wants to invite me to stuff but feels like he shouldn't, or something... it's strange. I already have plans for Sat. which I told him (bellydance teacher does a holiday dinner with her students and a performance at a local restaurant, which I'm going to with my mom and a friend). I told him I'd really love to go but that it was the bellydance thing and he said "Oh that's right! I'm sorry, I forgot."

Then he started talking about going to dinner w/his Mom and sis (my SIL) on Sunday night. I got confused and thought he was inviting me to that as well - asked what time and he looked at me like I was nuts and then backpedaled, telling me I was invited to his Dad's thing, not to Sunday. Soo.. he wants me to hang out with him and his dad, but I'm crazy for thinking I'd be going to something w/his Mom and sis???? I mean it's fine.. I don't really want to be around his mom in particular right now.. but it just makes me wonder what's going on.

Tomorrow night we're invited to a BD party for another friend of his - there are 3 of them who've been friends forever who have birthdays in the same week. One of the friends always likes to go to this Moroccan place for his birthday, so roughly 10-15 people are going to this. H and I had talked about it before and he was fine with me going - and on top of that the guy's W had called to invite me so I already knew about it and I'm excited to see everyone! She knows roughly what's going on and must've invited us both but in separate convos - because H mentioned it tonight then all of a sudden looked VERY freaked out - said "Oh.. oh no, I hope this was ok.. I said we'd be there. I mean both of us. I'm sorry, I hope that was ok. To say we'd both go. You want to go right?" What a WEIRD convo.

In H's defense by that point he'd had two of these crazy strong drinks. I had one sip just to taste it and an hour later was finally sobering up enough to drive home. So I'm pretty sure he was totally buzzed.. but I'm just still really confused. It's like we're "us" or not, depending on who asks.

When we got home he had some of his cake - had a glass of milk with it and thanked me for getting milk (we don't have it in the house that often so it was kinda a big deal for us to have milk when he wanted it w/his cake). Asked for another back rub.. I gave him a very nice looonnng backrub that he enjoyed a lot. When he went to bed he noticed I'd put on clean sheets (did I mention my cleaning binge today??) and made a huge deal about it. Again nice, but all just a little bit off, a little bit strange. Guess I got my "normal night" expectations up a little bit too high. Not TOO much as I'm fine now, but these off the wall moments still hit me a bit.

Expectation for tomorrow: get more to do's done, and have a lot of fun at friend's BD party! I'm totally in control of those, so I'm happy w/that.

Trixi - good question In response:

Out of curiousity, if he said that he did want a D, would you still want to be involved in his life? Would you want to give him those things?

Nope... MAYBE a loooong time in the future, but not right now. In fact I probably wouldn't have wanted all this except that things have turned more positive in the last month or so. If he was still being secretive, mean off and on, constantly texting, all that... no. When all that was happening I had very little interest in being wanted/involved in his life.

I don't know WHY his behavior has changed but it has.. he has not said he's committed, for all I know this is just a "get through the holidays easier" tactic... but things have gotten better (and not worse, always nice). So, for now, I want to be involved and keep building on those positives. Totally aware it could change tomorrow.. but going with what I know and feel today.

He's STILL never said the "D" word... closest he's come is "separate for awhile." D has been implied, of course.. but he's never said it.

Not sure if all that makes any sense... but hope so somewhat.

[JAK58]

Nik,

It really does sound like he is trying to figure stuff out. You still need to stay detached though and GAL so that you don't expect anything out of this craziness. Baby steps. I think I should have backed off longer too but who knows in hind site and im trying to do it again but right now it is hard givin the circunstances.

JAK

[S.T. _I Made It!]

sounds like you had a pretty good time over all.

I wouldn't read too much into his weirdness. like you said, he was tipsy, so everything he was doing would be overexaggerated.

We already know that he must of had a not-so-good convo about you with his mom, and it's quite possible with your SIL too.. especially since they could relate in some ways. Which is OKAY. you've vented to your own mother about H, and boy did she want you out of his life right? it might not be fair, but they are his family, and it is easier for him to vent to them probably then to go to you...obviously (meaning, all of us do the same thing). So I'm sure his mom and sis are just pressuring him to get it over with and he's just not sure what he wants (especially since it sounds like he's wanting you more and more lately), and he's probably afraid to stand up to them or something.. and afraid of the whole awkwardness if you were there.

But really, who cares about that. if you guys get together again, it really needs to be up to your H to set things right between you and his family. But right now, it's about you guys.

I'm almost sensing that your H is putting you up on a pedestal. well, like he's dating you all over again. you know how guys are kinda scared during that courtship time, cause your just this "wow" kinda girl, and they're afraid your gonna say no, and they wanna make sure they say the right thing, do the right thing. just my impression. I would take it all as good in my O.

I'm kinda glad that you had some concrete plans on the night he wanted you to come. I think sometimes it will be good for you to break off a plan here or there, but right now he needs to feel that "want to have you with me" feeling.

So glad your feeling better too!

[NikB]

Jak and ST - hi! Thanks for visiting.

Jak
You know me too well.. having a kind of melancholy day today, sort of "rebound" from having a good night I think. I need to keep that detachment going, for sure. (both from H and from my dad's sitch.. more on that in a sec).

I saw on your thread about your H's dad - I'm so sorry!! That must have been really hard, I can't even imagine.

ST
Very true.. beyond tipsy actually, I was being generous.. . He wasn't even walking real straight in the parking lot! So yeah, trying not to think about it too much.

That's a very good point about the stuff with MIL and SIL. And yeah, I completely understand that he talked to them, vented, whatever. I need to put it out of my head, it's just hard wondering what they dislike me for.. but it really doesn't matter.

Hmm interesting perspective on the dating/pedastal thing... hadn't thought of it that way. It doesn't necessarily feel good (more like he's afraid of really pissing me off and making things get ugly..), but obviously I really don't know for sure! I need to keep that in mind.

Yeah, I'm glad I had plans too - and that I stuck with them.

-----------------------------------------------------------
I am sooo overwhelmed today. I drove past a sign saying 11 days til Christmas and practically burst into tears. I've gotten almost no Chrismtasy stuff done yet!! I planned to do a lot today but wasn't much in the mood. I did just finish my online shopping - and figured out what to get H so that was good as it was stressing me out (got him a DVD player... he hates the one we have that I bought awhile ago, and this one's got all the features he wants - I figure best case scenario we have a nice DVD player, worst case we'll have two, so one less thing to buy if we don't work this out!).

I had promised myself not to get all last-minute-stressed-out this year so I'm mad at myself for letting it happen anyway. On the positive side though - usually I do all of H's family shopping and wrapping too. Without having all that my list is MUCH shorter, so that's good. My bro and SIL decided they don't want to exchange "stuff" this year but instead treat each other to dinners throughout the year - awesome idea!! (and helps alleviate some stress too)

Going out shortly to finish shopping and then will start either decorating or wrapping - I'm sure I will feel MUCH better when that's done!

I think some of my funk is from calling to check in on my dad. He heard the stress/overwhelmed tone in my voice and kept pushing and pushing about "how bad are things with H?" - I honestly think most of my stress was the holiday thing but he got me going on so much about my M that it got me really down. And then of course he's upset about his sitch too.. so that's hard.

Ok.. shaking off the negatives!! Time to get out shopping, play some good music, have fun, and make some progress on my to do list. Then dinner tonight w/friends so I'm really looking forward to that.

[S.T. _I Made It!]

hope you have a great time with your friends. you'll bounce back too. (((NIKKI)))

[NikB]

Awww thanks ST. A well timed hug, for sure.

(((ST)))

[Dr LOve]

Ok Nikki,

Let's make a deal.......

NO NEGATIVE THINKING TODAY...If they pop up think about that checkered table in Sonoma......


Husband....

[NikB]

Had a smiling day! Thanks all.

I got most of my Xmas decorations up.. not the tree yet because I couldn't move the furniture around to put it up. Frustrated me actually.. I kept thinking "Well if this was MY house I'd have it set up in a way that worked for me without needing help." It makes me wonder.. do I work on getting this house the way I "need" it to live here by myself? Or just realized if we D I wouldn't stay here (and if we don't.. it's OK to need help with some stuff??). So that was kind of an odd moment... but very brief.

Was SO happy to get all the decor up, it's very Christmasy in here now!! Finished most of my shopping and have a solid list for the rest, so I'm almost there.. whew.

Tonight was crazy - was supposed to be the end of year bellydance get together with my instructor and she was performing. I went with my mom and a friend. We got there and the place had NO idea who my instructor (also their featured dancer for the night!) was, no reservation, nothing.. grr!! I hate feeling like I was "wrong" (and realized tonight HOW much it bothers me, proabably too much). Turns out it was the place that messed up... instructor got there maybe 10 minutes later and was really upset w/them, got our tables set up, etc. Hooray.. not crazy!! Probably something I need to work on though, I think it upset me way more than my mom or friend.

The food wasn't so good but the dancing was soo much fun. Our instructor (of course) made all her students come up and dance w/her. I was the only beginner student who came so I was really embarassed BUT I did it. I realized just HOW good she is, too - incredible muscle control and some really unique moves. It was fun to watch her perform. http://www.adrianedance.com if you want to check out some video.

After we sat down I was talking to one of her other advanced students and said "OMG that was embarassing, I can't believe I did that and people were watching us!" She said "Oh I know, I just look straight at her the whole time, like it's a lesson!" Realized I had done the same and it's the ONLY way I was doing that in a public place.. . Had a lot of fun though. Can't wait to get back to regular weekly classes in January.

Hoping to finish catching up on Christmas stuff tomorrow so I can stop freaking out and start enjoying...

[Dr LOve]

Hey NiKB,

Maybe at our January meet ya can dance for us.....

Glad you are doing beter. Just remember SMILE. it is so hard to be sad when ya smile.
I had a busy day cleaning gutters, working, on car raking leaves ya know the fun stuff. D has not called yet about the movie. I am kind of tired anyway and was thinking if we could get a rain check and go nest week end instead....

talk to ya
later
H