And, clearly, if both people want to make a marriage better and both are willing to work, a marriage can last a long time. THAT'S not my question or my issue.
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I'm asking why we automatically assume one long marriage (happy or unhappy) is better than several shorter ones when people now live into their 70's and 80's?
That REALLY is my question, but I'm looking forward to how you will distort it.
I'm confused, then. Why are you even asking the question? The last time you asked, you brought up the specific example of your parents' marriage, as a counter example to "why a lifelong marraige is bad". Seemed like an understandable reason to have doubts about it.
This time, though, you say that wasnt the core reason. Instead, you bring up a comparison to "the job market", and how people switch through different jobs.
You seem to say that even if a marriage is "good", it somehow may be beneficial to jump around every 10-20 years.
ok, lets compare jobs vs marriage:
what are the reasons people voluntarily leave one job for another? I would say they are basically,
To make more money
For a "better position" (ie: more power)
because they are "bored".
the first two, dont translate to marriage very well. Unless someone "marries for money". Which is more like a business transaction rather than a marriage. If that is a person's goal, then I guess it makes perfect sense to change every few years Similarly, for "more power".
Being "bored", shouldnt really be a factor in a good marriage. a good marriage, should support both person's goals, and allow both people to "grow", while still staying together. If a person doesnt "grow" in a marriage.. it is most likely due to themselves, not the marriage. At least in a good one.
I think it most of all depends on the reasons a person has to get married in the first place.
If you wanted to first state a reason for it, and then pose the question of "one long marriage vs multiple" in that context, I think it would be possible to have a more useful discussion on that.
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I think if the reason a person gets married, is "for companionship, and to give and receive love", then the "change every few decades" idea, isnt the best... either from a comparison to job hopping... or even in the semi-extreme case of your parents' marriage.
I missed commenting on my prior post, so really wanted to mention it, for that line of reasoning as well.
You expressed your childhood wishes, that you "used to wish they would get divorced and find other people so perhaps I would have a chance at a normal family life." By that, I guess you mean, "loving happy mother, and loving happy father" type living.
The thing is though.. your parents getting divorced, would probably NOT have lead to that final result. For two reasons:
Just looking at "the odds"... most second marriages, have a WORSE divorce rate than first marriages. 60% vs 50%. If you make the assumption that some amount of those, have extremely unhappy people, but not QUITE unhappy to go through divorce again.. I think it is reasonable to guess that there is a 70% "unhappiness" factor, in second marriages. So, your mom would have probably had a mere 30% chance of giving you that "happy family". Not very good odds?
But its not just about odds. The reason that the second marriage fails, according to various research, is because the person leaving the marriage, doesnt fix the problems that they brought to their first marriage.
If your mother didnt realize how badly she treated your father.. she probably would have continued her poor marital behaviour, with any second marriage... which would make her second husband just as miserable, and not give you that happy home you, or she, wished for.
Contrariwise.. if she realized earlier how her own behaviour was detrimental to her marriage... she could have fixed it, with her first husband. Having a second marriage to have happiness, wouldnt have been neccesary.
To put it back in job search terminology, and bring in a POSITIVE example:
If you spend a decade of blood, sweat, and tears, working your way up the "corporate chain" of a job, and finally make it to some kind of senior executive position... one you wanted.. one where you could ensure the company actually ran the way that you wanted it to run... and you got the salary you wanted becuase of it, and the hours you wanted, and because of that, the house you wanted, and the location you wanted....
Why would you ever want to change jobs, at that point?!
I think that people change jobs, basically, because they cant make their current job, into what they want for their life. In contrast, a good marriage, in my opinion, always tries to enhance what each person wants for their life.
So, if you have built a good marriage, kinda like the "good job" example I just gave... seems straightforward to me, at least, that sticking with it, would be way more enjoyable than switching.
PS: one more (short!) point The big difference between climbing the corporate ladder, and a marriage.. is that in the corporate climb, your progression may depend on a whole bunch of arbitrary things, and people, that could stand in your way. it may not be possible to succeed at a particular company.
In a marriage, however... if both people give it their full effort.. any marriage can be a great marriage.
That can be a big IF, though.
Last edited by Dom R; 12/15/0703:58 AM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
