Love, PAIN and the Whole Crazy Thing

[mcol]

A current positive for you is that these words are being sent rather than said, so you have time to take stock and gauge your reaction. Make a habit of not responding immediately. Give yourself a couple of hours to figure out what message you actually want to send.

You are right here. We have not spoken on the phone in any serious detail for weeks, possibly months

Feel free to explain that you can really see how difficult that's been and you've already decided to take steps so she won't be in that position in the future.

I really must sharpen this part of my approach. Up until now I have been playing the stunned mullet and hurt puppy. I must realize (and I will) that bickering with her on the finer points of rationality will not work and I must try to seriously empathize and listen to her position. I have tried to massage her a little bit...here is a quote from one of my emails yesterday...

I am so thankful that you have handled my affairs up until this point and have done so with great proficiency ensuring that we have stayed up to date but I feel that at this point it is going to be more viable if my dad takes over the execution of these affairs except for areas dealing with the kids.

Try to isolate vindictiveness and venting (well justified as it is) to this board.

Yes, I will and I must because the lead edge of the tidal wave is just approaching.

Start thinking about your frame, i.e. how you see the world. For example, you used to have one frame about your retirement planning. That frame is now OBE (Army guys still use "OBE", right?) and you adjusted to a new frame.

This is good and yes you are very right about the OBE.

As of now, my perspective is that you have three good reasons to give this your best shot (four, really...you're gonna learn a lot about yourself, stuff you never wanted to have to learn ).

Dead on brother. All four of them are very precious to me and I absolutely do not want to lose them.

Oh, and am I correct in assuming that she doesn't yet know that you suspect/know about the OM?

I am not sure what she has inferred from one of my last email. This is what I wrote to her...

My understanding of the current situation you are in and those you are associating with has put you in a position where you are pushing me, your children and your entire family away from you and your "single" independent life. While this new lifestyle may be giving you the confidence and outlet you seek to "escape" your pain and misery the relationships you are in and the affairs your have engaged may seem rational to you, I can tell you that there are no less than 11 members of your family who do not share your sentiments.


I think I have been saying some of the right things and I have tried to represent my feelings well by not getting overly emotional. I am trying to be rational and I know rational will not be her cup of tea for a while but still trying to stay ahead of any major moves she could make.

If I know her and her current state she will power through these events with vigor, anger and a redneck flare that would make Gretchen Wilson blush. However, there will come a time (not sure when) where she will go cold and careless and resolve that she will not be able to fight or change what is going on. I am concerned for this stage as this is where she turns inward and will be non-responsive to anything that is said or done to her. I also see this part of the upcoming battle as when the kids will become pawns in the game which I will fight like he!! to try and prevent.

More later...my nerves prevailed last night and I only got about an hour of sleep. Nap will be the order of the day today. Someone give me the magic anti-jet lag pill (ironically, i heard yesterday that they are looking at viagra to combat this). How would I roll over in bed while sleeping if I took viagra to combat my jet lag?? Ok...sorry, trying to stay upbeat and comical (my normal self)

I will post again later, I had really expected her to have fired back a response when I opened my email this morning but something tells me she is circling her wagon of online friends and plotting the next move.

I am also worried about MIL, this whole situation is signficantly overwhelming her and she is not far away from a nervous breakdown. Only bad thing is that she is the primary provider for S,D,S after they finish daycare. Without her, W will be up a creek, may have to leave job and then financial burden on us will become most extreme.