Suppose cac and I are lying in bed and we're snuggling and touching/caressing each other. I'll become aware that our physical contact has aroused cac, but my awareness of that even with the touching added still won't typically trigger arousal in me, if I am not feeling sexual. I might really be enjoying the closeness and physical touch and feeling validated by his response, but still not feel aroused. For me, I don't think it has that much to do with whether or not I intentionally caused his arousal or did anything specific to generate it. He could come at me with an arousal and I could be interested in having sex, but if I wasn't feeling sexual, I would have to make a conscious decision to change my mindset. My drive is just so variable.
I have noticed that I tend to feel more sexual in the morning than I do at night, and because of that I can get aroused much more easily in the morning. Not sure why that is. Maybe I'm getting a bit of testosterone in the morning? Or maybe it's just because I'm a morning person.
Mojo, You didn't mention what NG's reaction was when you "bucked" him out of the way to diddle with yourself...to please yourself? As a man, my own personal guess is that it probably turned him on even more...no?
He was vastly amused and said something like "Here let me get you in a better position for that then." and then put me into the position which I named "The Cedar Point" and then it was pretty much like the amusement park blew up during an earthquake because we both came so strong and hard and limbs were flying everywhere.
Corri,
I totally agree with what you were saying above. In terms of getting arousal in sync, it works best by far if both partners enter the elevator on the same floor. A good "trick" every HD person on this BB might acquire would be to go down a few floors if necessary to "pick up" a LD partner before hitting the UP button. Because I am so self-aware about sexuality these days, I keep noting things about "Why" things work with the "normal" men I've been with lately in contrast to why they didn't with my 2bx.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I don't know if it's a fear of the bubble bursting, the fear of maybe taking things to far to where IC's perception of me changes, or dare I say..an underlying fear that possibly him not being here {I hate that I think this way...I'm sorry IC, I can't help it} I don't know...as the soul searching continues....
Miss IC, you can't help but think this way. Most people can get away without having to think about the fragility of life, but in fact, anything can happen to anyone at any time. When you have a serious medical condition in the house, the possibility sits itself down in the middle of the floor where it's impossible to ignore it.
I think this opening up of yourself is particularly scary to you BECAUSE your life with IC right now is medically threatened. For you to find this joy with him at a time when you don't know what the future holds IS terrifying. If you weren't terrified, I'd wonder about you... I'd wonder if you really understood what's going on.
In some ways, it's harder to be the Other Person than it is being the Person Who Is Struggling with Whatever. I know that as my husband's medical problems multiplied, I did withdraw emotionally somewhat. I didn't want to, but it was so exhausting, and wearing, and sad. For you to discover this exciting, fulfilling way of relating and deepening your R, and to keep open to it takes a lot of courage, and my hat is off to you... truly.
If you can possibly stop analyzing your feelings quite so much, second guessing yourself, etc., that would be a good idea. Recognize that you're going to have anxiety, both because of the new feelings and emotions and also because of the medical stuff... and when you notice that you're feeling that way, say to yourself, "Oh, there are those worried feelings again. They'll be gone in a minute." And then they will be gone (and will return and then be gone again), kwim?
To quote Ram Dass: BE HERE NOW! It's a great place...
Still doing a lot of thinking on this. And I've come to the conclusion that I'm running out of excuses to just enjoy It's like we've traveled into unchartered waters with our relationship and while you're at ease, I'm still trying to gather my sea legs. I know you've never given me any reason to be self-conscious about myself but it's there...still...a little. Reading Mojo and Corri's stuff has helped me in getting to a point of where I want to be, just not quite there yet and not quite comfortable with the new surroundings..kwim?
Thank you. It's just so hard to look past those feelings...I mean here we are, getting our marriage to a really good place for us and then to be hit with this. It's devestating to me...IC's back on his "joking, I'm indestructable, cancer's never met a mfer like me" attitude and I guess that is ok for him His way of dealing with this. Only he knows how he feels...I just see the strongest man I've ever been in contact with, and I see what and how this chemo just takes it out of him. 2 months! and we're talking about close to a year of this, along with an intensive leg operation after the 1st of the year..but again, only he knows how he feels and I know he has this inner reserve of strength that he is able to feed off of. I'm just scared Lill.
I hesitate to generally recommend this position because I believe that the relative proportions of the participants might make it more or less successful. But..
1) Rear entry from side spoon position.
2) Roll to back taking female along for the ride.
3) Female ends up lying mostly on top of male with head on shoulder/arm and hips arched up due to angle achieved with original entry. Male hand nearest head is free to land on breast. Other hand can go to clitoris.
4)So then you are strapped in and ready for take off-lol. It's kind of cool because it's like you are pinned down on top of a guy instead of below a guy.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I hesitate to generally recommend this position because I believe that the relative proportions of the participants might make it more or less successful. But..
1) Rear entry from side spoon position.
2) Roll to back taking female along for the ride.
3) Female ends up lying mostly on top of male with head on shoulder/arm and hips arched up due to angle achieved with original entry. Male hand nearest head is free to land on breast. Other hand can go to clitoris.
4)So then you are strapped in and ready for take off-lol. It's kind of cool because it's like you are pinned down on top of a guy instead of below a guy.
Ok, been there...recently Not sure I can go there again and keep a straight face now that it's been named by Mojo ! It does have some very nice advantages with his hands being free to roam
I know you're scared, sweetheart. You're in a very scary situation. You might try something like picking a five minute period every day when you're alone... in the shower, or walking the dogs, or driving somewhere, where you really indulge the scary feelings, and then put them on the shelf as best you can until the next day. Maybe a weekly massage where you sob your guts out during the session, and then go back to life as normal.
Do y'all have any religious faith to fall back on? I'm not talking about a fatalistic "God's will is for me to suffer" kind of thing, but more of a "I'm always in God's loving hands even when it doesn't feel like it."
You're right that the cocky attitude is IC's way of dealing with it. It works for him. That sort of thing does not work for me either... each of you has to face this in his/her own way. Find something that works for you.
You can't totally ignore the fear, but you can keep it from occupying center stage in your life. (At least I think that's possible.)
I feel like I pull the wagon while BB drags her feet, or she is content to sit there when no one pulls it because she is petting her cats and dogs.
Anyway, good way to describe your feelings.
Sorry your lives is messed up with the cancer and other medicals.
My sister had lung cancer and was up beat when she was going to treatment. When the chemo was over, she got a little scared because she wasn't actively combating the cancer. While getting treatment, she was doing something, which helped her stay up-beat. Two years later, she still is in remission.
The difference was, doing something felt like she was making progress. Maybe that is where IC gets some of his strength.
Most guys are fixers, so working on it leads to thinking success. FWIW.
I know you're scared, sweetheart. You're in a very scary situation. You might try something like picking a five minute period every day when you're alone... in the shower, or walking the dogs, or driving somewhere, where you really indulge the scary feelings, and then put them on the shelf as best you can until the next day. Maybe a weekly massage where you sob your guts out during the session, and then go back to life as normal.
Lilly, I know this is wrong..maybe I shouldn't say wrong because I don't know if there is a right & a wrong way to deal But I find myself NOT wanting to be around IC as much. I love my time with him, but it just acts as a reminder of what could happen. When I'm working, or grocery shopping or whatever...my mind is away from the worries. kwim? This is sooooo sad for me because I know, I know this hurts his feelings....even though he'll never let on like it does
Maybe I'll try what you're saying to see if that will change things around for me...right now, I'm using things like that to take my mind away from the feelings instead of using them to indulge my feelings. Worth a try
Originally Posted By: Lillieperl
Do y'all have any religious faith to fall back on? I'm not talking about a fatalistic "God's will is for me to suffer" kind of thing, but more of a "I'm always in God's loving hands even when it doesn't feel like it."
Funny you should ask...a little background on the IC's. I grew up in a very unstructured, un-religious home. My brother, sister and I were never exposed to religion of any sort. It wasn't until I met IC that my beliefs changed. IC was raised with lots of Christian faith. His 2 main childhood influences..his dad & his grandpa, while not following their religion to a "T", were very set in their ways of what was "morally right & wrong." I had the honor to meet his grandpa before he passed and I wish I could have met IC's dad...someday IC turned me on to this faith...he may not come across on here as being moral, but he really is a great guy. He sticks to what he thinks is the right thing to do and does not waver. He would give the last shirt off his back to anyone of you on here...no questions asked. I appreciate him turning me on to Christianity because I don't know where I would be with this situation without my faith in God. {as Miss IC doubles her prayers because her boy does stir up some sh!t on here }
It's like we've traveled into unchartered waters with our relationship and while you're at ease, I'm still trying to gather my sea legs. I know you've never given me any reason to be self-conscious about myself but it's there...still...a little. Reading Mojo and Corri's stuff has helped me in getting to a point of where I want to be, just not quite there yet and not quite comfortable with the new surroundings..kwim? 
