Hey, mcol! I don't have a bunch of time at the moment so I'll hit what I see as the highlights for now.
...she sent me some pretty shocking and hurtful words...
A current positive for you is that these words are being sent rather than said, so you have time to take stock and gauge your reaction. Make a habit of not responding immediately. Give yourself a couple of hours to figure out what message you actually want to send. Believe me, the witty responses and lock-solid logic that pops into your head at first will fall on completely unappreciative and unimpressed ears.
You want to be solid. You're handling a difficult situation with as much grace as you can. You're not going to get dragged into craziness.
She went on to say that the months since I went on my "fairytale" deployment have been hellacious for her to deal with and me not being there showed her that she could not count of me when she needed me most.
Feel free to explain that you can really see how difficult that's been and you've already decided to take steps so she won't be in that position in the future. (If you say that, she'll try to use it as some type of leverage in a future conversation...just agree with her again and let it go; she can be right about that but it in no way justifies any type of A and you don't have to pretend like it does.)
I've really gotta run; I'll respond more tomorrow. You seem to be on the right track. Try to isolate vindictiveness and venting (well justified as it is) to this board. To your W, you're a strong, loving man who's handling some serious adversity as best you see fit. Start thinking about your frame, i.e. how you see the world. For example, you used to have one frame about your retirement planning. That frame is now OBE (Army guys still use "OBE", right?) and you adjusted to a new frame. You're going to have some very fundamental frame adjustments to do. Also, start thinking about "detachment from outcome." It's tough but the closer you get to that, the easier it will be for you to act in the manner most likely to achieve positive results.
The constant declaration of I should not have to be doing this is playing ping pong in my head.
No doubt, brother, and that's a key point. You *don't* actually have to be doing this. You're choosing to because of the result you want. That gives you strength. If you change your mind later and decide that isn't the result you want, you can change your actions. As of now, my perspective is that you have three good reasons to give this your best shot (four, really...you're gonna learn a lot about yourself, stuff you never wanted to have to learn ).
Oh, and am I correct in assuming that she doesn't yet know that you suspect/know about the OM?
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
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