I don't know if it's a fear of the bubble bursting, the fear of maybe taking things to far to where IC's perception of me changes, or dare I say..an underlying fear that possibly him not being here {I hate that I think this way...I'm sorry IC, I can't help it} I don't know...as the soul searching continues....
Miss IC, you can't help but think this way. Most people can get away without having to think about the fragility of life, but in fact, anything can happen to anyone at any time. When you have a serious medical condition in the house, the possibility sits itself down in the middle of the floor where it's impossible to ignore it.
I think this opening up of yourself is particularly scary to you BECAUSE your life with IC right now is medically threatened. For you to find this joy with him at a time when you don't know what the future holds IS terrifying. If you weren't terrified, I'd wonder about you... I'd wonder if you really understood what's going on.
In some ways, it's harder to be the Other Person than it is being the Person Who Is Struggling with Whatever. I know that as my husband's medical problems multiplied, I did withdraw emotionally somewhat. I didn't want to, but it was so exhausting, and wearing, and sad. For you to discover this exciting, fulfilling way of relating and deepening your R, and to keep open to it takes a lot of courage, and my hat is off to you... truly.
If you can possibly stop analyzing your feelings quite so much, second guessing yourself, etc., that would be a good idea. Recognize that you're going to have anxiety, both because of the new feelings and emotions and also because of the medical stuff... and when you notice that you're feeling that way, say to yourself, "Oh, there are those worried feelings again. They'll be gone in a minute." And then they will be gone (and will return and then be gone again), kwim?
To quote Ram Dass: BE HERE NOW! It's a great place...
