Dom, this was my question. I agree that monogamy is best while you're with someone (i.e., I'm not in favor of affairs or open marriage). My serious question was why is it better to have one partner over the course of several decades than to have three or four partners over the course of several decades (while being monogamous in each relationship while you're in it)? ...
Why is this categorically better than marrying at age 25, raising three children for 20 years, and then changing partners at age 45-50?
Hmm.. i attempted to give my own personal reasoning for it, but maybe i was too fuzzy about it. I'll give it another shot.
It's a two part answer. [aaand.. very long now, it seems. phew!]
I think that, if a relationship is strong enough after 15 years, to merit being better (in your own, completely selfish judgement, not "for the children") to stick together, than to go find a "fresh new romance" with someone else... then that same relationship should still feel good enough to merit continuing to stick together after 25, 35, 45 years.
I think that having a longstanding positive history, of potentially half your life, with one person, cannot be matched by a relationship with anyone else.
I think that this is actually the unspoken understanding of most people about marriage. which is probably why most people enter into it in the first place.
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second part of the answer:
What makes it positive, is the commitment to a life long marriage. No marriage stays positive, without concious effort, aka "work". The commitment, helps keeps the willingness to work on it going.
In contrast, the "if", in the first part, tempts people who arent committed to life-long marriage, to sit back after X number of years, and say to themselves... "well, this relationship is NOT seeming to be better than going out and finding someone else for me right now.. so it sure wouldnt seem that way after another 10 years. I'm bailing now, and going to look for "someone else".
Trouble is.. that attitude is self-fulfilling. I dont have a specific study to name right now, but I think that enough research has been done to prove that for the vast majority of "life-long marriages"... they only last that long, when both people are committed to the concept of life-long marriages in the first place.
They work out well for each other.. BECAUSE both people already agree, "divorce is not an option" (AND on top of that, "well, if we're going to be together, then we should make our time together as enjoyable as we can)
it's the reason why arranged marriages are, on the whole of it, "more successful", than western "love" based marriages. Because there's none of this "I'm not 'in love' with you, the marriage is over" crap. People get their heads down, and work on the marriage, even when they dont "feel like it".
To put it another way... If someone has already decided, "I'm going to leave this marriage at year 10", then the closer it gets to that date, the less they are going to work at making the marriage a good thing. because they're leaving anyway, so why bother?
If you agree that what I have written above, is a fairly accurate description of most people's attitudes.. then I think you might agree that if people suddenly change attitudes, to "changing partners every 20years is fine"... then the last few years are going to suck. (it's the "lame duck president" effect. the last year in office is mostly wasted). The "20 year marriage", will essentially become the 18 year marriage.
And then once that becomes expected, and "well, everyone's marriage tanks after 18 years..." so with the expectation of the marriage "ending" after 18 years... the new expectation will then effectively become the 16 year marriage... and so on, and so forth.
sadly, I think that for a large chunk of society, this has already happened. it's somehow almost more expected for a marriage to end after 5-8 years or something.
Which lowers peoples expectations for themselves to stick it out. Which means they dont work as hard at their marriage. Which means their marriage will tank. :-(
One followup note coming, which I think deserves its own post.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
