Can't take credit for the idea but I do think it's a good one.
Full and frank admission is the way to go. The no secrets route worked for us BUT my H wanted out of the A; he chose when to tell me. Even so we had a week of hell when I wasn't sure what was happening. H took a week off work. Well the first day I made sure he did - I flattened his car battery by leaving the lights on overnight and hid the keys to my car. By the time a hire car arrived I had told all his staff I knew about OW, (one of H's employees) and senior management told H, (who is the CEO), not to go in for the rest of the week whilst they got his legal team on it to protect the Co. position. (They probably hired security for OW as well - I was spitting feathers and growling......just joking about the security.....not about the feathers and growling!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Hairdog, guess I was just following NOPs advice there...tell the world I know what's goin' on. Actually, I sent the OM an email earlier this afternoon asking for a time this evening when I could skype both him AND his wife. Funny thing, they'e both real busy this evening...
Talked to my mom a couple of hours ago. Good ol' mom. When her and dad were in their early 50's my dad had an affair...really tore my mom up, but they managed to stay together. She said trust was the big thing. Then she laughed...she say's "we're so damn old now we need each other just to get back and forth to the doctor's office!"
Love my mom.
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
Hi. if you are going to talk to OMs W, you might want to print out some of those emails. I know some women that when confronted by their own BF/Hs OWs H, denied it and said that it must be a misunderstanding. DENIAL is a powerful thing. No one wants to believe their S is cheating so having a little proof wouldn't hurt.
If she doesn't want to admit it - sit down with her and read them outloud. I'd like to take credit for that idea, but it was my Hs. He did it to me which is why i recommended it. It was one of the most heartbreaking things i have ever had to sit through. I would have stopped with out that, but obviously your wife doesn't want to admit what's going on, nor is she willing to stop talking to him. (which by the way, should not be an option for you)
when my H was accusing my of having an A before i ever did it, the first thing i always did was ask what i could do to prove i wasn't. What he needed from me. During the EA, he asked and I got mad and defensive. I knew i was in the wrong and took it out on him. If she honestly thought their friendship was innocent, she wouldn't have gotten so defensive.
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
Hairdog, there is not a doubt in my mind we could survive this. I can tell from her face, body language, subtle comments, and tone of voice that SHE KNOWS she stepped over the line. But I think she's at a crossroads where she's trying to decide whether to work it out with us or just say to hell with it all and leave. I just get the sense she's weighing her options...
Me: 51 W: 50 M 24 yrs EA: since Apr 06 S22, S26, S28 ILYBNILWY:Nov 07
"It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything." Tyler Durden
That's what my H did for about a week - it was one hell of a ride - but we haven't looked back since. Hang in there. She will realise just how much she has to lose. Once reality and practicalities set in.
My marriage is surviving well. I do wish it had never happened but there are benefits; we are much closer again now - more like when we were first married and we share everything again. It has made us focus on each other rather than just co existing.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
My M is another that has survived A's -- and that doesn't just include the EA he was having during the whole D sitch, that includes 2 EA's at least and not sure how much PA was going on while he was deployed years ago and one 1 night stand, while deployed also -- so it can happen -- staying together after an A.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, B50, while she's going through her thing, it's a great time to go through your own personal inventory. Beofre I found out about my H's affair, I was already on the road to self improvement, trying to figure out what went wrong where and how to be a better person. Over time, I have dropped a lot of anger/control, have gotten more spiritual and less judjmental. I've even gotten back my girly giggles!
Thesee changes were registering in my H, even though he was entangled in an affair. So, while you're doing the man thing of having her own up to things, you can also re-work you in another way, perhaps a more gentle way, although gentle is not the right word, or maybe it is!
Hang in there and be strong. You are doing the right thing and, while I have thankfully not had to go through what you are going through, I think you are immensely better to have her weigh her options now and make a decision to move forward after full disclosure. If you hadn't found out, she would have continued to weigh her options beneath the concealment of the EA.
You have a lot of people pulling for you.
PF
Me; 42, W; 43 M; 16 yrs S12, D9
3/13 - "I want to move to XYZ City (four hours away) and it might be without you, not sure" 5/13 - "Not sure I meant that"
