so I came home this morning after being sort of awol for a few days.
w said she was upset that she didn't know where I was or when I was coming back. said the kids were concerned. I told her she could have let the kids know I as working or something and diffused their worry. I think she was laying the kid guilt trip because she was worried. she even called me bf looking for me. she was concerned and I hope it revived some different feelings for her.
you guys are going to scorch me for this but it lead into an r talk.
I told her I needed some time for myself. I said I am upset about how she is rewriting the history or our relationship and using that to come up with this decision. I also said I don't really like hearing the "nevers" and "dones" type of talk. she agreed that she may be distorting us a bit.
I brought up that while I underdtand her feelings and am sorry to hear about them, that I doubt they could be this strong earlier than this march when we went on a trip together. she has said these feelings have existed for years. I also said she is not capable of doing something she doesn't want to. she agreed. thus, we had a nice trip in march and I know we loved each other on this trip. we had probably the best night of lovemaking in our history. I said she couldn't have done this if she was feeling this way.
while she may have had some issues before this, I felt we had a crappy summer as a couple. this is why were having issues.
and..because we had a bad summer and have laid all our issues on the table, that she would look at the big picture and imagine what's possible.
she said this whole thing is stressing her out bigtime. she feels terrible seeing how much this is hurting me. her stomach is bothering her and she has diarea. she is stressed out.
my other point was I was disappointed that she was giving up on me as a person and that I was not capable of being a better spouse. she said she has noticed all these changes I have made and shes happy for me.
I told her I believed she fell out of love with me because I didn't make her feel loved. she agreed.
one good thing came up as she admitted that we have been together for a long time and that of course she loved me. but..she was following her gut (i don't think she should follow her gut if she has diarea) and its telling her were over. she also thinks were opposites and too different, I'm too quiet, etc. the "differences" comment comes up a lot. not sure how to handle that. I replied that every couple has their differences and its a point of view in how serious you look at these. I mentioned she hasn't done one activity in the past couple months that I would have a problem doing with her. this includes going out to dinner, drinks, shows, skiing. she said "now you're interested"..I told her its not that I wasnt interested, but I just didn't take the initiative.
I said I have had a huge wake up call and I really get it that I need to make a bigger effort on us.
so..as she was leaving she brought it up again that our C thinks sometimes a seperation is beneficial. she really wants this and I'm sure is going to get it. she said I need to let go and if you love someone you should let them go, and if its meant to be, then they will come back. its very hard to let go.
how is she going to feel love from me or see what I can do or who I can be if shes not here?
how do I DB (though I'm terrible at it anyway) and show my love for her?
another problem is I'm 95% sure shes having an EA with someone at work. how do I deal with this? would it be completely taboo to take his wife to lunch and see if shes aware of this? I know I'm not going to get anywhere with W until this ends.
